On a scale of 1 to 10, one being “not pressed” and 10 being “can’t stand it,” how much do you think it would bother you (or does it bother you) if your significant other watched adult films and perused porn websites? And not just once in a blue moon, but consistently?
For one woman who sent a message seeking advice, she is at a 10. Her boyfriend of two years is a great partner to have, but she can’t help but be a little peeved about the fact that she catches him watching pornography a lot more than she would like.
“He tapes some of the stuff that comes on the paid premium channels late at night,” she said. “So when I go to watch some of my taped shows, I see some of the titles and my eyes want to roll out the back of my head. And I also don’t like that sometimes when I use his computer and open a new tab, I find some inappropriate pages for porn that were previously opened. And he also searches for certain things, which I see when I type stuff in Google. I know this is what men do but I feel really uncomfortable and and [sic] a little betrayed by it at times. Am I overthinking it?”
She’s certainly not the first woman to ever feel like their boyfriend or husband’s affinity for adult films was, in some way, a knock against her. Some are left wondering if a man’s preoccupation with such images means he’s not happy sexually in the relationship.
Like this woman who said, “I keep thinking that he might start comparing me to the pornstars and wishing that I was more like them which makes me feel even worse.”
Or left wondering if he’ll develop an addiction, like this woman, who said, “I recognize that a lot of men watch porn, but I’ve also read a lot of studies that show that porn stimulates the exact same addictive pathways as certain drugs.”
Or left feeling like they’re just physically not good enough, like another young lady who said about her boyfriend, “He says he’s committed to me and I believe him. But it disgusts me and lowers my self-esteem so much, and I’m so much more insecure about my body now.”
To all this, I say that every woman is different. What one woman can shrug off and say is just “a little porn,” another woman, as you can see, can view as a detriment to not only her relationship but to her self-esteem. So while I do get the idea of many men looking at the women in these films or websites as sexual objects and a “release” while looking at their significant other as so much more, it’s important for women in relationships to speak out about the things that make them uncomfortable. Demanding that your partner refrains from watching adult films is probably not the way to go. He’s grown. But in the case of the woman who asked for advice, telling him how it makes her feel and the negative impact it could have on their relationship is probably the best bet. Even if he doesn’t go cold turkey from it, maybe her boyfriend may decide to decrease his consumption of adult films and images drastically (or at least do a better job at hiding it…), and that would be better than nothing.
But at the end of the day, just because you ask a guy to cut adult films out of his life doesn’t mean that he will stop finding other women attractive and start fantasizing solely about you. Because we sure the hell wouldn’t let a relationship keep us from almost breaking our necks if Idris Elba or Michael B. Jordan passed us on the street, or keep us from the thoughts we have about them that we don’t tell folks about. However, if what he watches seems to be a consistent means to get what he’s not receiving in the bedroom, or worse, he’s watching some really f–ked up stuff, then Houston, we may have a real problem…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you say? Is it petty to get bent out of shape about your significant other’s porn-watching habits?