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“Who puts anything on their nipples?” says the woman who has never been to Halloween in Las Vegas. Um…hello?! Anybody who has ever dressed as Poison Ivy from Batman, or turned their boobs into little Santa Clauses for Christmas, or introduced food into their sex life has put something on their nipples that doesn’t belong there. I mean, putting something odd on your nipples is like a rite of passage for women who like to party — or those with unusual beauty rituals. And that’s fine. But, between personal experience and what the experts say, here are things you should never put on your headlights.
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Regular tape
When you can’t find your double-sided tape to hold up that backless top, you might be tempted to use regular tape. Don’t. That is for construction paper, and it will itch.
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Dry ice
If you’re into rubbing ice cubes over your or your partner’s body, that’s fine, just make sure the ice isn’t dry. Because we all know what happens when dry ice gets stuck to something warm, and you don’t want to rip skin off your nips.
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Warming lubricants
Warming lubricants can be okay in areas that are already naturally warm (like your vagina), but they can make your nipples feel like they are on fire.
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Spiced lubricants
If your partner has cinnamon-flavored edible lube on his lips (from doing, you know, something generous for you) don’t let him put those lips on your nips. See above.
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Hair removal creams
How bad are the hairs on your nipples, really? Don’t answer that. They couldn’t possibly be as bad as the inflamed, irritated, puffy nipples you will get by putting hair removal cream on them.
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Wax
Don’t ever wax the hair off your nipples, either! You’ve seen that scene from “Forty Year Old Virgin” where he puts his t-shirt back on after a full body wax and his bleeding through it…that could be you.
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A cold, wet bikini
Simply because your nipples will get all pruney, and that’s not a pretty site.
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Anything with alcohol
Soaps and other products with alcohol dry out your skin, which is good for acne, but bad for nipples. Your nipples are meant to secrete a little bit of fluid. Alcohol strips them of that fluid and can make them crack from dryness.
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Cheap clamps
If nipple clamps are your thing, nobody’s judging. But you know how cheap earrings can turn your ears green? Yeah…you get the idea.
Stickers
Think it’s a cute idea to wear nothing but four-leaf clover stickers on your nipples and leprechaun panties (we don’t know what those are either) for St. Patrick’s Day? Well, shell out the money for stickers made for skin. Stickers made for art projects contain chemicals that can seriously irritate your nipples.
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Window pasties
Not all pasties are created equally. While your local arts and crafts store may have lovely, thick, soft and extra sticky pasties for every holiday and occasion, those don’t belong on your ta-tas. We know. It’s tempting. But that adhesive will stay on your nipples for months.
Wikimedia.org/fake nipples
Fake nipples
Remember those fake nipples Samantha wore around in “Sex and the City” to prove that men are into the no-bra look? Just…no.
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A wired but broken bra
It’s devastating when a really great push up bra gets a tear in the fabric that covers up the wire. And, in theory, the bra still works. But don’t wear it. The wire will create little cuts in your breasts all day, opening them up to bacteria.
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Piercings
Piercings can go south so quickly, between an infection from a poor quality piece of jewelry, to tragedy when something snags the hoop ring you had in your nipple.
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Whipped cream
It’s fun in the moment, but you’ll swear you can never shower off the feeling that your boobs are covered in oil and butter and sugar.
