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A few years before I met my husband, I decided to give celibacy a try. I had just gotten out of a crazy, hyper-sexualized relationship and I felt like I needed to go on hiatus so I could start making judgments without an overload of endorphins pumping through my brain. We’ve all been there at some point, right? Looking back on it, the time off was transformative and helped me tremendously in my future relationships. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner you may be even more tempted to bail on your promise to self, but we’re hoping these tips keep you going strong. Celibacy is no easy feat, but there are valuable lessons that can be learned from such an experience. Based on my experience, here are three things you don’t want to do when you’re giving celibacy a try.
Avoid Setting a Time Frame
Try not to think of this as a “how long can I go without sex” game. It’s really not about how long you go without it, but what kind of improvements and realizations you come to while your abstaining. Initially, I said I was going to do this for three months, but when the time was up, I realized I still had some work to do, so I extended until I could really sense a change in my feelings and beliefs about intimacy. It took about a year before I finally felt good about getting back out there. Believe me, the urge to write tally marks on the wall during the first three months was very real, but surprisingly, it subsided when I got very serious about what I hoped to gain from the experience. Try to think about some areas you’d like to make changes and use those as goal marks to help you decide when you’re ready to end your hiatus. Celibacy is about the knowledge we gain about ourselves during that time period – regardless of how short or how long. Make it count.
Don’t Advertise It
When I first decided to be celibate, I really wanted to talk about it, if for nothing more than explain where I was at in my life. But I quickly learned that men can sometimes see a declaration of celibacy as a challenge and I found it was best to just keep that to myself. If I had already made the choice that I wasn’t going there, it didn’t need an announcement. I just needed to stick with it. It’s okay to disclose if you feel you need to, but try not to use it as bait to see how hard he’s willing to work to get the cookie out of the jar. The real goal is to see how well you function and how things flow without the complicated nature of sex on the table. Sure, there will be tension (which can be a good thing), but there’s really no need to brag about the journey while you’re going through it. The real emphasis should be on pacing yourself and evaluating your connection with a person. Plus, you’ll find there are much more interesting things to talk about than the love below.
Don’t Waste Your Time
If you make the decision to be celibate, make sure you use your time wisely. Don’t waste it obsessing about not getting any, or cyber-stalking exes (tempting, I know). I had to shift my focus and be intentional about what I hoped to gain, and not spend too much time worrying about what I may have been missing. This is a good time to develop a hobby and work on team you. We all have needs, but the truth is, our needs expand beyond what happens horizontally in our lives. If we fine tune things vertically, the horizontal stuff will eventually fall into place and be that much better. I found that pursuing different interests such as painting, kayaking, bikram yoga – if you get my drift – made me a more interesting person to be around. It felt good to get an endorphin rush from things that left me feeling accomplished and complete instead of empty and confused, however pleasurable the fleeting moment had been. I had time to explore the things I really liked and was more open to what life had to offer. I was developing a stronger sense of self and it felt good. When I did decide to get back out there, I wasn’t the same person I was before. I was drawn to different people, places and things and my dating life was a lot more fulfilling than when sex ruled the day.
Have you ever taken a walk on the celibate side? What did you learn from your experience?
