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Lately, I have been feeling really guilty about having to discipline our two-year old. At this age, where the ability to mobilize curiosity is coupled with a lack of understanding about how the world works, it has become a painful challenge. There’s a delicate balancing act to support our child’s maturation process juxtaposed with the tasks of keeping her safe and us sane.

For me parenting is about love, but more importantly about love that services the coming-of-age journey of children into responsible adults whom positively co-exist with other human beings. This requires nurture, and it requires teaching, and it requires discipline.

When is comes to discipline I have been in a state of daze and confusion. No loving parent wants to hit their child, but you also want to course correct your child and help them develop the ability to make decisions that produce outcomes in service of their well-being.

Today’s question is, to spank or not to spank?

Reuben Hill, a 20th century social scientist, conducted a study on thousands of parents in Minnesota that produced the following outline in regards to parenting styles and discipline. In his study, Reuben outlines four types of parenting styles:

1. The Permissive Parent: a parent who loves and coddles their child but is afraid to discipline. This parent creates a friendship with a child who becomes very insecure and lacking confidence in life while relying on the parent for everything.

2. The Neglectful Parent:  a parent who fails to give their child attention, affection, and discipline. These children mature into deeply wounded adults unable to cope with life.

3. The Authoritarian Parent: a parent who disciplines a lot, but lacks empathy, vulnerability, and emotional intelligence in regards to comforting care. These children grow up obedient, resentful, and rebellious.

4. The Authoritative Parent: One who loves just a much as they discipline. A parent who compassionately course corrects their child. The balancing act of love and discipline produces a self-assured child who is confident and able to aptly tackle life’s challenges.

Growing up, I did not get many “butt whippings” that I remember. Maybe two, I recall. I do recall being popped every now and then, but not an abundance of beatings. Overall, I was a very good child, with good grades, who “talked back” a lot. I can honestly say that my obedience was impacted more by communication of disappointment than it was by physical punishment.

My caretakers reared me as authoritative. They loved me a lot, but they were also very strict! I know that this works, because I am a product of it. However, it is still emotionally taxing for me to discipline my daughter. I just really want to enjoy her presence and be her friend.

This friendship gets really hard when trying to explain to my two-year old why she cannot unplug and re-plug the bedroom lamp. Or why putting q-tips from the wastebasket in you ear is dangerous. She is only imitating what she sees us do, and she has no sensibility as to why it is dangerous for her until she hurts herself. Pain is the greatest teacher second to wisdom.

Wisdom, however, is hard to pass down without full brevity of language. Who is to say that I was not popped or beat more often than I remember while I was a growing toddler? I don’t recall. For little children and/or big children with parents who lack capacity to implement alternative measures of understanding, spanking comes in handy.

I have been there. I have spanked my child before. It was hard on me, as it was for her, but her safety and the safety of her infant younger sister demanded it. It was not really a spanking rather a pat on the butt, but to her it was the end of her world.

At the time, she could not understand why her behavior, playfully biting her sister without knowing her strength, was unacceptable and/or dangerous. Instilling fear from such behavior via a spanking seemed to be the only option of prevention. This was after numerous failed attempts to communicate the inappropriate nature of biting.

She eventually bit her in a way that made an impression and the talking stopped. Her pat on the butt worked, but I cannot and will not physically reprimand her for every little thing. What she does not understand far outweighs what she does and this type of continuous response would become abusive and traumatic.

So we have implemented alternatives such as time out, repetitive coaching until she understands, and occupation via focused activity. When she is occupied via an activity or engagement, she is less likely to get into trouble. But we cannot abandon adulthood 24/7 to keep her from endangering herself. She too must learn how to explore her independence without requiring helicopter parenting or spankings to make wise choices. This is an on-going matter. For now, as an authoritative parent, I will say to spank as a last resort I guess.

Clarissa Joan is a spiritual life coach and editor-in-chief of The Clarissa Joan Experience. She resides in Philadelphia, Pa with her Husband, their two girls, and a yorkie named Ace. Clarissa is also an expert in impact investing. She is the Communications Associate at Impact America Fund.

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