Misunderstandings Men Have About The Female Body

Men’s misunderstandings about the female body extend far past our va-jay-jays. Here are just some of the hilarious things I’ve heard men say about the ever-mysterious female body, from questioning whether our bloat is real to wonder if periods physically hurt us — the bleeding part not the cramps. Oh boys, sit back and learn. Women, sit back and be amused at the ignorance.

Bloat isn’t real

This is more of a maddening idea than a funny one, but I’ve heard several men say, “Bloat is something women make up to cover up for weight gain, right?” Uh, no. And we’ve got news for you, guys: You bloat up too. We’ve seen it. It’s a shame they don’t pay attention to that gassy sensation after a night of pigging out on junk food and how those slacks don’t hang quite as nice as they used to a couple days before. Bloat is real boys.

Can’t you control your PMS?

“You know the mood swings are coming so can’t you just identify them and stop them?” No, we can’t, just like you can’t tell the demon in a possessed person to just, “Chill out.”

Why don’t women always wear thongs?

“They seem the most practical.” Maybe to men they do, but to us, they can be rash-causing, UTI-inducing traps. There is very much a need for bikini, boy short and brief underwear.

Does it hurt when you bleed on your period?

The cramping hurts…but it’s not that type of bleeding.

A larger woman needs a larger tampon, right?

If that were the case, there would be way more than three sizes. It’s all about the flow.

Do you pee blood? 

Yikes! Not unless we’re having a serious medical emergency. Menstrual blood comes from an entirely different place.

Erect nipples mean you’re turned on, right?

It could also mean that we’re just cold. Or that our nipples are always like that. Or really, any number of things other than arousal (get over yourselves.)

Can things can get lost in the vagina?

Not completely. You can always go to the doctor if things float a little far. But condoms and other items cannot just float up our vaginas and into our bodies. There is a closing at the top of the vagina that stops that.

When a woman nurses, are her boobs are full of milk?

Not, like, the whole boob. No.

All women secretly enjoy anal play.

That is not true at all so always, ALWAYS ask permission. Some women are more sensitive back there than others–in a bad way.

If you don’t shave your legs…

“Will the hair just grow and grow?” No. It has a stopping point just like the hair on your legs does.

Do women all want big boobs?

Not necessarily. Plenty of us are happy with smaller boobs. And plenty of large-breasted women long for smaller ones. Do you have any idea how expensive a good bra is?

A woman’s labia minora tells you a lot

“Like how many partners she’s had.”

Not at all! Some women just have naturally larger labias than others.

Women don’t really need bras

Unless you want those things to touch the floor when you’re 60, a bra is the way to go.