“Free your mind and the rest will follow.” -En Vogue
Welcome to Love School. Class is in session! Abiola’s Love School is a weekly empowered Love Lesson, inspirational class and juicy conversation about love, relationships, dating, sex, commitment and self worth. Each assignment will include homework, resources and actionable steps. Let’s move beyond the surface to experience the true love and intimacy we deserve. Are you in?
Love Lesson: Step Up Your Game in Your Relationship.
Last week in Love Class we gave you the Official Mommy Noire Guide to Booty Calls and One Night Stands. This week, we’re all about steamy, hot monogamy. One of the most common advice questions that I receive from women of all ages is how can they spice up their intimate lives in long term relationships. They typically say, “Dear Abiola, I’ve tried bubble baths, candles and lingerie already. What now?”
It makes sense. Many of us are tired, burned out, frozen, frigid, repressed and rejecting ourselves before anyone else can do it. Faking the funk in the bedroom and the boardroom is exhausting. Your ticket out of that malaise is embracing your desires and taking action only that makes you feel good.
Here’s how to take romantic playtime in your relationship to another level:
1. Erotic Spirituality.
There are many routes to take for those seeking to explore spiritual eroticism. Luckily for us new tantric teachers and books come to the forefront every day. In her book “Meta Modern Era” the late Nirmala Srivastava, founder of Sahaja Yoga, describes kundalini as “a residual power of pure desire.” Kundalini is said to be dormant energy coiled like a serpent at the base of your spine in the root chakra. When awakened, it activates your chakras and your life force. In ancient traditions, you breathe and surrender to this power for enlightenment.
Tantric intimacy mandates that we focus on the experience and release the idea of goal-oriented sex. In other words, orgasm is not the finish line. Begin by breathing in sync with each other, making an energy connection before you make a physical connection.
Similarly, Ugandan love coach Yangki Christine Akiteng writes, “the African understanding of sexual awareness is more than about sexual pleasure, it is also a self-reflective process rooted in the concept of surrender -surrender to the facets of ourselves that are more unruly, highly energized, spontaneous, unpredictable, uncertain, and closer to the primal forces of nature.”
Barbara Carrellas, author of “Urban Tantra” and “Ecstasy is Necessary,” explained in our interview that sexual spirituality has taught her to see life as a series of “gasms.” She also said that true explorers don’t have to take drugs to feel ecstasy. She says that “breath and energy orgasms are incredibly simple to learn” and she’s been teaching them for twenty years.
2. Slow Sex Movement.
Mindfulness is a meditative practice that involves being more conscious. For example, the practice of mindful eating, slowing down and focusing on what I ingest, has been instrumental for me in transforming my mind, body and spirit. I’ve spoken in the past about how most of us have a Pleasure Deficit Disorder that leaves us malnourished although we live in a culture of excess.
Nicole Daedone, Creator of the Slow Sex Movement, also speaks about a pleasure deficit among women. She teaches a technique of life-transforming orgasm meditations at her school One Taste and claims that orgasm is the healing for our hunger. Historically, genital massage was thought to be the cure for “female hysteria.” Those doctors were in the right place with a misguided intention. Nicole recognizes that women want sexual pleasure as much as men do. Her studies reveal that the upper left hand quadrant of the clitoris, or “1 pm” is the “sweet spot.”
Nicole trained with Welcomed Consensus before creating her own personal power group. When I interviewed Sheri Testerman, a founding instructor, she explained that they can teach women how to have what she calls a Deliberate Orgasm or one-hour orgasm. She also explained, “We believe friendship is the highest form of relationship that two people can have with each other. Sensuality is a subset of communication. In order to have or produce a superior orgasm, a lot of communicating has to happen.” Sheri also says that this practice taught her to revel in her womanhood.
3. Role Play.
Bestselling novelist and diva mentor Jackie Collins was the first one to talk to me about the possibilities of intimate role play. I have to admit that it sounded a little hokey at first. When Jackie asked whether I’d tried it, I confess that I lied (to her face) and said yes. Sorry, Jackie! However, my research has revealed that role play is not just the simplistic ‘meet your hubbie at a bar’ scenario that has been portrayed in pop culture — although it can be. Many women have told me that role playing has stoked dying fires in their monogamous relationships.
If you don’t know how to begin try “The Fantasy Sex Deck: 50 Erotic Role-Plays for Adventurous Couples.” This illustrated, color coded deck of cards written by the husband and wife team of Debra and Don Macleod will bring fun back into your bedroom. Role playing is a vibrant way for couples to explore and use imagination to create worlds all their own.
Make believe was a vibrant form of play when we were kids. Why should we give it up now that we’re adults? Costumes, fake names, fantasy situations, creative characters? Go for it.
4. Sex Toys.
One persistent historical rumor puts Egyptian queen and renowned sex goddess Cleopatra as the owner of one of the first vibrators in history. This is entirely plausible as ancient Egyptian artifacts include all sorts of phalluses. According to legend Cleopatra took the term “Queen Bee” to another level when she had a gourd or calabash sealed with angry bees to create her very own adult toy.
Luckily, you don’t have to resort to troubling bees for your pleasure. Kandi Burruss’ line of toys called Bedroom Kandi has vibrators that are waterproof, recharge with your computer, look like lipstick and even move to the beat of your favorite music. When I interviewed the “Real Housewives of Atlanta” star she confessed that she never thought she’d be doing this work but is proud that she has given women of color permission to explore.
You can visit a woman-friendly sex shop with your partner such as Good Vibrations or Babeland. Both stores also have well-stocked online stores; detailed guides coming to this column soon.
5. Adult Movies.
Gone are the days when adult movies were strictly the domain of men. The range of erotic viewing materials range from instructional films to steamy stories. Keep your love life hot by taking turns picking out movies and sharing your favorite parts with each other. This could be a great way to communicate an unexpressed desire if you’re feeling a little shy.
Look for movies where women reflect beauty like yours rather than plastic-looking blowup dolls, unless that’s what you’re into of course. You can still find the classic feature “Afrodite Superstar.” Of course it has to be watched in its artistic entirety to be properly enjoyed.
6. Polyamory.
Most of us are still trying to master the art of one partner in the bedroom, much less multiples. However, monogamy isn’t for everyone. Couples are experimenting will one-time threesomes, orgies and even polyamory as a lifestyle. This is a judgment-free zone, whatever works for you as consenting adults is your business alone.
Be sure that you really want this and are not just going along with it to make your partner happy. You can’t get the genie back into the fantasy bottle if you open your marriage, for example, without careful consideration. You have to really know yourself and your love.
Juju Mama Kenya K. Stevens and her husband Rakhem Seku are outspoken supporters and promoters of open marriage. When I interviewed the tantric goddess and two (!!) of her handsome men in New York City, she recommended that committed couples master monogamy before introducing other partners. She was married for ten years before going this route. Kenya’s courageous book is called, “Change Your Man: How to Become the Woman He Wants.”
7. Kama Sutra.
The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian tome on an enlightened lifestyle, sexual advice and pleasure. Written almost 2,000 years ago by Vatsyayana, the text is best known for its detailed descriptions and (later) illustrations on intimate positions. Make the Kama Sutra a romantic game with your partner. If you find the original Sanskrit a bit daunting there are numerous modern depictions, books and even apps. Why not pick up a copy of “The Complete Illustrated Kama Sutra” edited by Lance Dane and make it a mission to work your way through all 250 historical pictures.
If you need something a bit more graphic without the art history, try “The Modern Kama Sutra: The Ultimate Guide to the Secrets of Erotic Pleasure” by Kamini Thomas and Kirk Thomas. Also, if you can still find it, Eric V. Copage’s “SoulMates: An Illustrated Guide to Black Love, Sex, and Romance” is a sexy African American Kama Sutra published in 2001. (FYI, there are plenty of used copies on sale on Amazon.)
8. Power Exchange.
Political correctness has no place in your bedroom. Whoever you decide is in charge is in charge. Power exchange is where a dominant partner exhibits control over a submissive partner. Yes, we are talking about the taboo personal games made famous by E. L. James’ literary phenomenon known as “50 Shades of Grey.” Do your research before putting yourself into any situation.
Of course, erotica empress Zane took on this controversial topic years ago. The New York Times bestseller and media producer is the publisher of books such as “The Punany Experience: The War Between Tops and Bottoms” by Jessica Holter. She even advised a curious reader on her Erotica Noire blog to look for online dating BDSM clubs. To reiterate safe sex is intimacy that is mentally, physically, spiritually and sexually secure. Safe, sane, consensual is a good way to go when exchanging yin power, which is receptive and yielding, with yang power, which is active and aggressive.
9. Sexual Transmutation.
Napoleon Hill is known for being the author of “Think and Grow Rich,” a prosperity advice guide that still stands the test of time. One little discussed chapter in the iconic motivational book is “The Transformation of Mediocrity into Genius through Sex Transmutation.”
Napoleon Hill taught that personal alchemy could transform creative sexual energy into career success. This may sound strange at first but think of any charismatic leader or great salesperson. What do they exude? Sex appeal. They have that “it factor.”
Desire is a powerful and sometimes uncontrollable force. For that reason, the inspirational teacher emphasized combining sex with love for maximum potency. We agree! Imagine the heights of a couple using this energy together.
10. Honor Your Sexuality.
The only way that you will be your true fully activated goddess self with your partner is if you first feel turned on about yourself. Be turned on by life! Embrace all of your feelings. Lean into your desires. This is the domain of the feminine energy woman. If you don’t have a life that gets you juiced up, get one.
Have a sense of honor and reverence for your own body and spirit. If you don’t treat yourself like a queen why should anyone else? Choose only partners who adore you and reflect your worthiness. This should be the new rite of passage, whether you are 30 or 50, women coming into our own power.
This empowerment is not the construction of female sexuality in the media but your own. Yes, it is controversial because our bodies have been owned, raped, sold and mutilated but taking back the night starts with taking back your self and your right to joy and pleasure.
You are a sexual being. You have a right to desire and pleasure. You deserve to live a full happy healthy life with your chosen partner. This begins with high sexual self-esteem. Instead of seeing yourself as a sexually disposable co-star in other people’s dramas realizing that you’re the star of your own love life.You have the right to say yes and to say no.
Get out of your head and into your body. Let go of performance mode. It’s your body. Love it and own it. Names women call their yoni include: coochie, down there, p*ssy, vag, vagina, honey pot, vulva, pepa, flower, kitty, pocketbook, pat-a-cake, c*nt, fanny, lady bits and the safe for TV term vajayvay. Each of these terms has an emotional charge and an energy. No more shame about how you look and smell. Release any shame you have related to being a woman.
Being an empowered woman has nothing to do with thoughts that men are beneath you. Men are our co-creators, our co-conspirators, our equally yoked warriors. Declaring your superiority is just “reverse patriarchy” in a goddess gown.
Can you imagine how our men might rise to the challenge if we treated them like the weary warriors that they are?
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Today’s Homework: Love Classes.
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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University” or tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.
