Racing to the Altar: Why Are People Marrying So Shortly After Meeting?
According to an AOL poll of divorce attorneys, one of the top ten reasons for why marriages failure is disillusionment. Disillusionment occurs when a whirlwind romance or brief courtship gives a couple an unrealistic view of the relationship. When unattractive aspects of a relationship like bitter in-laws, poor financial management or conflicting schedules rise to the surface, the bond can prove difficult for two people who don’t have the true love, trust and dedication to work through problems. The result: People fall out of love with being in love. Marriage involves a serious commitment to your partner as a whole, not just the things you like about the person. Relationships aren’t all work, but they do require some maintenance.
The same lawyers also agreed that many of their divorce cases include couples who marry too young and that most marriages that survive the test of time are between couples who married after the age of 30. I can speak for myself and admit that I didn’t know what real love and commitment was until my twenties. During their twenties, most women are navigating their educational and career paths and having their first experiences of independence like living away from home and learning how to manage finances without parental support. It can be hard enough to become settled into your own routine without the added stress of trying to build a common routine with someone else. My mother always advised me to learn how to live by yourself and with yourself before you try with a partner.
While we’re on the subject of age, after 30 some women may find themselves making the “Desperate Dash” down the aisle. Many women buckle under the pressure that family, friends and society place on women to have it all by the age of 30: the perfect career, the perfect house along with the perfect husband and kids to live inside of it. If a woman doesn’t have all this by the age of 30, she can fly into panic mode gauging every potential suitor to see if he’s good enough to marry. I’ve seen some women put more time and consideration into a car purchase than they do the man they will have to sleep next to every night. Who made up this golden rule that if you aren’t married by the age of 30 you become an honorary member of the Old Cat Lady Club? No one is promised tomorrow, and no matter if you’re 30 or 93, slow and right is always better than fast and wrong.
Something else that often happens with many women (and some men too) is the “Captain Save Em’ Syndrome”. A woman who has been in several bad relationships over her lifetime will commit to the first man who’s the least bit nice to her without taking the time to see if they are truly compatible. While the “nice” factor is a good reason to date a man, it’s not enough of a reason to marry him. And guess what? Many men are nice during the first few months of dating; women and men are both usually nice during those first few months until we become comfortable with the relationship and grow more aware of each other’s boundaries and limits because we are trying to put forth our best impression. But often that best impression is not an accurate account of who we are. You have to save yourself and deal with your issues and insecurities without burdening a man to build up your confidence. You should be spending your days with someone who truly makes you happy, not settling for someone who simply doesn’t make you feel bad.
Besides a fast-paced lifestyle, celebrities also have to deal with the pressure from the media and fans to put forth the perfect lifestyle. Do the same rules that apply to celebrity relationships apply to us regular folks as well? Not necessarily, because one thing we don’t have in common with Keyshia, Khloe or Monica is that our livelihoods don’t depend on how many gossip blogs report the breaking news of our engagements, marriages or pregnancies. That’s not to say that these life changing events in the lives of celebs aren’t genuine, but the publicity surely isn’t hurting their pockets either. Enjoy the luxury you have of little pressure because honestly most of that is pressure you’re placing on yourself. My advice? Take your time to fully understand the importance of the commitment you’re entering. Make sure you are with someone who isn’t only right for you in the present, but has the potential to be right for you in the future. If he’s the one on day three, there’s a good chance he’ll be the one in three years.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee.
