Two common misconceptions about relationships:
1) It’s hard for “strong” or “independent” women to deal with having a man around, unless he’s some sort of pushover.
2) Women have to let a man lead in order to have a successful partnership.
It doesn’t matter how accomplished, self-reliant or strong-willed you are, you can have a happy, healthy romance with a man without trying to ‘wear the pants’ or trading in your stilettos for ‘barefoot and pregnant’ chic. Romance is not all about a woman giving up who she is, but instead, two partners bringing all their stuff to the table and working to create happiness through balance. That said, it isn’t that the ‘strong, independent’ sister doesn’t have sacrifices and adjustments to make in order to become a good partner…both parties will have to alter their order of operations in service of a relationship.
Women may find this new way of operating to be a bit more difficult to navigate when dealing with an ‘alpha male’: a brother who has traditional values and behaviors. He is interested in the protector-provider role and expects that his partner will be the nurturing sort. If this isn’t what you are used to, this can catch you off-guard. So, how do you deal? Well, if this is the sort of dynamic you’ve been looking for, then congrats! There are plenty of self-sufficient women who enjoy the trappings of a ‘traditional’ relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your career, your outside interests or your personality; you bring all that to the table and you make sure that your type-A man respects the fact that you are still a woman of your own mind.
However, if you want something a bit more non-traditional, you may have to work a little harder to make your gent understand what it is that you are looking for from your relationship. If the word “partnership” is more your thing than “courtship”, let it be known! Talk about what your ideal romance looks like: perhaps you two go dutch on dates and split the domestic duties. Or, maybe you’d rather enjoy his kitchen expertise than to make him suffer through your burnt toast and soggy egg brunches. You may be okay with a somewhat traditional arrangement, but don’t feel that his gender gives him the right to be the ‘boss’ of the relationship. Whatever your feelings are, be sure that you present them without being confrontational. If he is truly vested in having a relationship with you, he’ll hear you out. If he isn’t willing to consider any compromise, then this probably isn’t the man for you.
I always thought the term ‘independent’ for an adult woman to be silly; if you are single and living without the support of your parents, then you are independent. It’s simply a function of being an adult, not cause for a merit badge. However, the transition from “independence” to part of a couple can be somewhat challenging, especially if you are big on control. When you enter a relationship, you now have to take the thoughts and needs of two people into consideration when making both small and large decisions. Be sure that you remain true to yourself and your desires, while being willing to sacrifice when times call for it.
In a true partnership, you will soon realize the beauty of having someone who is there to help you when you need it and who cares about keeping you happy. You don’t need to take the bus out to Ikea and drag heavy bags across town on your own, nor should you feel like you gotta deal with your boss’s insulting tirades all by yourself. As a single woman, you proved that you can take care of yourself; as part of a couple, you should have a built-in support system to help you with the heavy lifting. Never feel too proud or too capable to share your burdens. You will take on some of his, so feel free to share your own.
Now, don’t get it twisted: there are men out there who don’t want an independent-minded woman and fully expect their lovers to submit. And you are more likely to encounter that with an alpha male. It is important that you know who you are and what will make you happy. If you aren’t that kind of woman, then don’t even fake the funk; you may be able to keep up the charade for a while, but when your true colors emerge, neither party will be pleased. While relationships require sacrifice, it should be reciprocal and between two parties who are equipped to do so.
If you find yourself singing Jill Scott songs as you fix your man’s breakfast and fuss over his work clothes, don’t feel like you’ve given something up. You may find that you enjoy doing these things for him. And there’s plenty of power in choosing to do something that makes YOU happy and fulfilled! A strong man and strong woman can come together and make one hell of a team! Manage your expectations, remain authentic and be prepared to do the work that love requires.
