Last week one of my favorite writers, Demetria Lucas, wrote a blog post An Enthusiastic “Yes!”, about women feeling inclined to have sex with their partner when they really want to say no. Her post sparked a great discussion about the societal problem of sexual double standards and gender norms. Before and after reading the post I thought about all the messages women are sent about our duty to sexually please men. Contrarily, men aren’t expected to please women in the bedroom since sex is supposed to be for their enjoyment alone.
But sex isn’t only about men. I understand it’s hard for some to wrap their heads around the idea that women actually enjoy sex. Well we do. Our libido can be just as strong, if not stronger. We want the euphoric feeling of climax too.
A woman’s longing for an orgasm is only half the battle. Bad sex for women is more common than we’d like to admit. Perhaps the tradition of telling women we must please our man has left little room for men to understand they aren’t always giving stellar performances between the sheets. In the same regard, because of societal standards men have been able to escape the pressures of sexually pleasing women.
Women on the other hand are constantly met with messages from various media selling us on the idea that sex is the gift we give to men. In return, this reinforces the idea that sex is all about the man. Women have been conditioned to believe we are to sexually go above and beyond to make him happy. Rarely do we hear of comparable expectations of men. When women start dictating what we will or won’t do, our ear is whispered into with this ridiculous piece of advice: “What you won’t do another woman will.”
Due to all of these factors, the number of women sexually unfulfilled does not surprise me. According to Dr. Louanne Cole Weston, nearly 10 percent of women have never had an orgasm. In addition to the problem of the number of women having sex without reaching the ultimate pinnacle, there are other areas in which women aren’t satisfied.
There is constant chatter among women who don’t feel anything during sex. Doing a size check prior to sex might be fair game if this keeps happening. Another reoccurring frustration is the number of women dealing with men who are the antithesis of the energizer bunny. Stamina issues are the buzz killer of all buzz killers when it comes to sex. Getting into the groove to have it abruptly ended because a man ejaculates after only three minutes is such a waste. One time gets a pass, as everyone has an oopsy. But there are women dealing with this as a reoccurring issue. Men with terrible foreplay skills you would think would be rare due to the number of sex scenes shown on TV. One would expect men to at least pick up a few tips from Adult Videos or television. And what about bad oral sex? Women aren’t the only ones giving bad blowjobs. I could go on and on about the shortcomings men are having behind closed doors that we women are left to discuss when out with our girlfriends. Yet there are few articles or books targeting men on making sure they give us an amazing sexual experience.
Maybe too many of us are remaining silent about our needs because we have been conditioned to believe our needs are unimportant. Something also tells me that we are inclined to think great sex is an area we can compromise on if he is a “good man” and possesses several other honorable qualities.
But having great sex with your partner is a crucial component of any relationship. It isn’t as simple as compromising, which we know really means conceding to whatever pleases him. Whether it’s monogamous, an open relationship, marriage or friends with benefits situation, women have every right to desire sexual satisfaction.
More and more I anticipate women will begin challenging the so-called societal norms of sex. Hopefully women will start having the courage to speak up about their sexual needs and dislikes. If nothing else I want men to understand their possible shortcomings as it relates to sex. Our pleasure doesn’t solely lie in pleasing you. We want our toes curled too.
