“Ride or die.”
The first time I remember paying attention to that phrase was circa 1999/2000 when Ja Rule ruled the airwaves and he and Charli Baltimore were rapping about “down a** chicks” and doing time for a significant other. My life was the furthest thing from what they rapped about, but I rapped along with them because it was a catchy song, the music video was exciting to watch and the concept seemed noble enough at 14 years old: You love someone enough that you’ll sacrifice whatever you have to – maybe your freedom, or perhaps, your life – for them to be happy.
As I got older though, that romanticized and very skewed perception of loyalty began to control and massacre a lot of friendships and romantic relationships around me. The basic foundation of relationships seemed to vanish. There was rarely mutual respect. There was only blind trust, having someone’s back without question. To question or to challenge one another to do/be better had no place in this “ride or die” mentality. That wasn’t being loyal. That was wack.
I knew that I wasn’t a “ride or die” chick. I knew that there was nothing noble in that. I knew that I would have questions and concerns about the people I cared about most. I knew that I didn’t want to blindly agree with anyone just because we were in a relationship/best friends/family.
I find it extremely difficult to respect anyone who tells me “Yes” without question and blindly agrees with whatever I say. Being self-aware will help us to realize that we are not right all of the time. So if we know this about ourselves, how can we trust anyone who behaves as if they believe the exact opposite?
True loyalty does not expect silence in order to entertain or promote foolishness. It does not expect friends to agree with all behavior. It does not expect one to sacrifice their integrity or themselves to encourage another’s willfully immoral and immature behavior.
I have found, during these many years of gaining, losing, developing, dissolving, regretting, exploring and enjoying friendships, family, and romantic relationships, that loyalty in this particular dynamic is far from what pop culture teaches us. Loyalty is acknowledging the worst and celebrating the best in the each other. Loyalty is is raising each other up to be our best individual self. Loyalty is lending ourselves to the cause of protecting each other’s spirit. Loyalty is committing ourselves to cover and strengthen the places of fragility of our loved ones. Loyalty is knowing our friends’ fears, triggers, inhibitions and weaknesses, and actively choosing not to exploit them.
I have lost a few friendships and romances because I refused to blindly “ride or die,” but in hindsight, I wouldn’t trade what I have gained in perspective, motivation and upwardly mobile relationships.
Thanks for the entertainment, Ja and Charli, but I don’t need to “ride or die.” I’ll live and lift my relationships higher.
La Truly is a writer, college professor and young women’s empowerment enthusiast. She mixes her interest in social and cultural issues with her life experiences to encourage thought, discussion and positive change among young Women of Color. Follow her on Twitter: @ashleylatruly and check out her site: http://www.hersoulinc.com.
