Ask A Very Smart Brotha: We’ve Been Living Together For A Year, Why Won’t He Commit?

Shazzle: Hey Damon, when infidelity plays a part in a relationship between two, what are some of the best ways to mend the relationship if both parties choose not to leave each other?

DY: Interesting question. If you’ve already made the choice to stick it out, the first thing you need to do is figure out exactly why the infidelity occurred in the first place. Was it a one time thing, a correctable issue, or something that exposed a fundamental flaw that may never be repaired? Also, finding a way to forgive and reestablish trust is necessary as well. Those two need to come from within though. But, there’s really no point in continuing if they’re not present.

Lisa: What does it mean when a man says”it’s complicated” referring to his current dating situation? (I’m his ex girl friend of FOUR years but we remained friends.)

DY: “It’s complicated” usually means “I’m seeing someone who’s committed to me, even though I’m not all that committed to her.”

Deva: As an older dater (newly divorced) what negative qualities of a man should I “tolerate” or accept in order to start dating regularly again?

DY: None, lol. Seriously, though, it depends on what you consider “negative qualities.”

Million Dollar: Why do more men want to be single than in a committed relationship?

DY: I don’t think that’s true. There are tons of men who want to be in relationships. More even than those who want to stay single. What’s happening here to cause that perception are two things

1. By “men” I think you mean “men with a ton of options.”

2. Even with many of the men who are always single, it’s not so much that they want to be single. It’s just that no one has been able to convince them that being in a committed relationship is better than being single.

Deena: I’ve been talking to a guy thy I like on the phone …he’s had two different situations with female roommates….I think he’s a waste of time…do u agree? First of all he’s 43 and should have his own place

DY: Yes. And by “Yes” I mean “YES!!!!!”

Chelley: Hi. What would you recommend as a dating option for someone who has a full load(i.e. work, school, kids) and little time to go out and be sociable and meet someone. I feel like working towards goals doesn’t have to mean “single life”. Help please!

DY: Have you tried online dating? Places like Match and EHarmony were practically built for people like you.

Also, although you mentioned that you don’t have much time to socialize, I think you need to somehow find time in your schedule for that. At the very least to give yourself an opportunity to let your hair down and relax for a little while

Nia: What would you suggest to a woman who wants all the perks of a “boyfriend” but without feeling so owned? Men tend to be very sweet and giving in the first couple months, then they become jealous, controlling, and have unreasonable expectations. I’m more of a free spirit that just likes to have fun, chill, and I’m not sure why I don’t attract men who enjoy the same type of relationship. Any good advice for me? ,) thanks

DY: It doesn’t sound like you want a boyfriend. With a boyfriend (or girlfriend) comes a commitment, and with a commitment comes an investment, and with an investment comes expectations. Not saying what you want isn’t possible—and also not suggesting that every man out there is automatically possessive and jealous—but it sounds like you want all the “good” parts of a relationship without any of the “bad.”

I’m sure there are tons of free spirited men out there willing to give you what you say you want. To that end, I’ll leave you with my favorite piece of advice: “Be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it.”

Janelle: Why do guys think that being the man means all their needs come first and a woman who wants to be appreciated and adored is needy and insecure?

DY: If you’re dating guys who think like that, I think it’s time for you to start dating different guys.

Janelle: Also, is it worth trying to communicate your feelings and realizations about a relationship after it’s over?

Also, why do men think that we don’t notice when they’re checking out other women in our presence? What is the line between appreciation, lust, and disrespect? Why are they so defensive if we bring it up and demand that we tolerate it?

DY: As far as your next questions, no and it sounds like you’re talking about one particular man and not men in general.

Cornise: I am a single mother of two young boys and I never have time to go out. How do I find a suitable mate or even get back into the dating game because it has been very hard for me to attract someone I am interested in. I keep attracting worthless scumbags and I don’t give them the time of day. What do I do??

DY: People who read this chat are probably going to think eHarmony is paying me to keep saying this, but I think online dating is a great option that, for whatever reason, people are loath to consider. Also, as far as offline dating goes, try switching some things up and go places that may be out of your comfort zone. If you start doing different types of things—and start going different types of places—you might start meeting different types of men.

DeAngela: Any good ways to get past trust issues?

DY: Aside from therapy, there really isn’t any external way to get past that. It’s something you just have to figure out how to do yourself. And, while I’m not a professional, I do think it would be helpful to find out exactly why you have the trust issues in the first place, and work from there.

Natasha: If a man has been living with you for a year and he won’t commit why might this be?

DY: It can be multiple reasons, but the most likely (and most common) is that he’s just not that into you. I’m sure he likes you, but not enough to lock you down.

Jennifer: When dating should you let a guy know from the door you’re in the middle of a divorce or should you wait for him to ask you? Also is there a such thing as a man that doesn’t cheat?? And where the hell do you find these jokers???

DY: LOL, perhaps you should just wait until that little divorce-y thing is done before you start dating again.

Deneen: Any tips on how I can be more approachable and attract the right kind of men all races. I’m 6′ tall. I wonder if it’s intimidating.

DY: I’m not a fan of telling women they need to smile more. But, since you asked, women who generally look like they’re having a good time tend to seem more approachable. Basically, have more fun, and don’t hide the fact that you’re having fun

Toy: What’s a guys true intentions if he says that he’s serious about you but then a month later says he needs space( like a week, two wks, etc.)?

DY: That literally could be anything. Wanting a little space isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s necessary when trying to determine exactly where you want the relationship to go