About a week or so after retired Pittsburgh Steelers player Kordell Stewart filed for divorce against his reality TV star wife, Porsha Stewart, rumors began to surface that the estranged couple were looking to work things out and attempting to mend the broken fences of their marriage. Initially, I began to think that it was a good thing that they were trying to make it work and from the outside looking in, Porsha appeared to be very dedicated to her marriage. On the other hand, I began to think of the manner in which Porsha says she learned of Kordell’s divorce filing, which was through the media just like the rest of the general public. He called it quits. He threw in the towel, but he never informed her. A representative on behalf of Porsha even came forward saying that Kordell misled Porsha, allowing her to believe that he was committed to working it out, then turning around and filing divorce papers. His method in ending their marriage was pretty harsh.
We hear every day that marriage is something to be worked at. We hear that relationships aren’t easy and that it is ultimately a team effort. But what happens when one teammate just up and quits seemingly “out of the blue?” Does that negate the union? Does it cancel out the promises and responsibilities that the team has to one another? How do you give your heart back to a person who made it clear that they’ve given up on you and the relationship? What assurance do you have that they won’t quit on you again?
In an interesting Psychology Today article titled, “Contemplating Divorce: Would You Take Your Spouse Back?” licensed therapist Susan Pease Gadoua explores this very subject. Gadoua surveyed a group of people who were three months into their divorce proceedings about whether or not they would take their spouses back. A surprising 90 percent responded, “No.” Gadoua goes on to note that there is often an eye-opening epiphany experienced by the abandoned party in the relationships. At first, they desire for their former partner to return. Then, they begin to see faults and flaws about their ex that they hadn’t seen prior to their heart-wrenching splits.
“In my experience, when a person is the leavee, they often tell me initially they would take their spouse back if he or she wanted to come back to the marriage. This is true particularly when the spouse being left didn’t see it coming and didn’t think the problems in the marriage were ‘that bad.’ But then something interesting happens. As the divorce proceedings take place, the leavee witnesses all kinds of behavior that they’d either never seen before or they had denial around,” notes Gadoua.
She went on to imply that the trauma that comes with being abandoned often stirs up disdain and even sometimes disgust within the “leavee” for the “leaver.”
“One woman had a classic response when asked if she would let her husband back in if he were to ask her to reconcile. In a word, “EW!” Another client told me that after his wife had him served with divorce papers on Valentine’s Day, he wasn’t sure if he could even look her in the eye again, never mind let her back in his bed!”
Break-ups are rough, but being totally abandoned by the person you love and having your teammate switch sides, becoming your opponent, seems unfathomable. While a successful reunion in a situation such as this one seems like it would be ridiculously challenging, I suppose the outcome is really contingent upon the parties involved and their love left for one another.
Would you take your man back if he ever walked out on you or have you ever taken back your ex after left you? How did things turn out?
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise.
