Why Her and Not Me?! 9 Reasons He Chose Her Over You - Page 9

It’s a frustrating conundrum I’ve heard from countless women: “Why her and not me?” You stick it out and give him some of your best years, only for the relationship to fizzle and for him to wife up the very next chick he meets. One thing is clear, you wanted the relationship to work but he obviously wasn’t on that same page. You just weren’t “the one” for him. Love is a gamble, and we all take a leap of faith when it come to relationships. Most times, the end of a relationship just means you two weren’t meant for each other, and it took you going through the process of a relationship to discover that. But if you find that you’re in this situation over and over again where all of your exes send you a wedding invitation six months after you break up (if an ex would do that then you may have dodged a bullet because he’s a fool), then it’s time to re-examine the way you are in a relationship. He probably won’t tell you why he settled down with her and not you, so here are some things to consider.

1. Timing

Sometimes, it really just comes down to timing. It may seem like “bad” timing to you, but if a man isn’t ready to settle down, he simply won’t. Point, blank, period. You can be the best girlfriend in the world, cater to his every need, sex him up crazy, cook his favorite food – the whole nine yards. I mean, you could do none of those things but still be a great catch. But if he’s not ready to commit or marry you within the span of your relationship, there’s nothing you can do about it. He may even concede that you’re the best girlfriend he’s ever had but it won’t matter if his head isn’t there yet. It may not have been his intention to “string you along” either – he may not have realized it.  But if for some reason he becomes ready six months after you break up and he commits to someone else, all that means is he wasn’t yours to begin with and is not the one who was designed for you.

2. She Doesn’t Pressure Him

Now, if timing isn’t truly the issue and he’s actually the committed type, then it’s possible that the two of you don’t share the same time frame when it comes to relationships and marriage. A lot of men are skittish about marriage in general, so if he feels pressure or that you have an agenda, that could scare him off. There’s nothing wrong with letting a person know that you’d like to get married and have children one day, but it’s another thing to constantly remind him that your clock is ticking and you already have your wedding dress picked out. He will think that you just want a man to call a husband and make babies with rather than wanting him for HIM. If he thinks you’re just trying to snag a man – any man – he won’t feel special. Take your time to get to know the next man and figure out if he’s really someone you enjoy spending time with rather than trying to size him up on the first date as your future husband. Otherwise, the pressure could be too much for him, and he’ll seek a woman who just enjoys the relationship itself without pressuring him to marry her.

3. She’s More Secure

Unless he’s the type of man who preys on insecure women to control or manipulate, most men don’t find insecure women to make great life-long partners. Why? Because confidence is hot and insecurity is annoying. Who wants to be around that forever? Are you the type of woman who points out her flaws every chance she gets, just to get her man to say, “no baby, you’re not fat/ugly/crazy?” He tells you that you’re beautiful, only for you to say, “No I’m not, you’re just saying that.” After a while, he’s going to look at you and think, “You’re right, you’re not beautiful,”  because insecurity is ugly. True beauty comes from within and if you lack self esteem, you won’t be very attractive to him after a while. Instead, the more self deprecating you are, the more he’ll start to look elsewhere. By not saying, “thanks babe” every time he gives you a compliment, you are all but pushing him into the arms of another more confident woman who will appreciate his compliments rather than question them.

4. She Checks Him

Most secure women don’t let men get away with disrespecting them, and women who demand respect usually get it. No one respects a person they can walk all over and if you’re the type to let a man get away with murder just to say you have a man, then he’ll quickly be looking elsewhere. Some women make their man their whole lives allowing behavior that they shouldn’t just to hold on to him. But a woman who shows a man that she can and WILL walk away from him at the slightest indiscretion because she has standards and expects him to rise to the meet them will usually get the guy who is willing to step up. While most cowardly men would shy away from a woman like that, some men find that appealing and seek women who will bring out the best in them. If you don’t have any standards, will accept any behavior thrown at you and allow people to treat you any way they please, then you’ll either end up with a jerk who will stay with you because he can get away with anything, or he’ll leave you for a woman who knows her worth and won’t tolerate nonsense. If you want to be more in control of what happens to you in your next relationship, then nurture your spirit and teach people how to treat you, and you’ll be able to weed out the boys from the men and not waste your precious time.

5. She Brings More to the Table

This isn’t to say all woman don’t have any valuable attributes to offer to the right guy but a lot of women expect a man to meet everything on her checklist while not being able to say they bring the same things to the table. I’ve met women who say, “He’s smart, successful, talented, owns a home, a car and is a God-fearing man”, but never hear how they compliment each other. Men want a woman who are their equal as well and if he can’t say the same things about you that you say about him, then he may still date you – but he may not marry you. Chances are, he’s just sticking around until the woman he feels is his match comes along. If you want to avoid that, make sure you review your checklist and then see if you meet your own criteria. If you can honestly say that you do not, then avoiding dating until can you say that you are everything that YOU want in a mate. Then you’ll have a better chance of meeting your match, because you will attract what you are.

6. She Communicates Better

Men are not mind readers yet many women I’ve encountered expect a man to just know what she’s thinking, when she’s upset or what would make her happy. If you are one of those women, don’t expect a man to stick around for the foolishness. If you don’t tell him what makes you angry, what makes you smile, why you’re in a pissy mood or that you hate when he leaves the toilet seat up, then expect resentment and misunderstandings to crop up into your relationship. Your man will walk around wondering he did wrong to set you off this time, and after a while, it’ll become exhausting.

Want to avoid that in your next relationship? Here’s a novel idea: Communicate. You know, with actual words.  If you keep thinking that a man should just KNOW what you’re thinking rather than telling him, you’ll always be single.

7. She’s Not Clingy

Even if you don’t pressure him about marriage on a daily basis, men feel pressured if you’re up under them every second of the day. Men (and women) need space in healthy relationships. So let him have his guy’s night, go to Home Depot on his own or watch tv in peace. If you feel that a man doesn’t love you because he went to the store without you, then you have some issues to work out. A man can love you and still want their alone time, just as a woman should want her “me time” as well. Healthy unions are ones where you both nurture your own personal interests and relationships. If you don’t have any friends, find some before you get into your next relationship and get you some business.

9. She’s Not Crazy

I’m not saying all women are crazy, but that’s what a lot of men think. Emotionally unstable creatures – that’s what they think we are, but sometimes we prove their theory as true when we act a fool on a regular basis. Let me give you a few examples: You spazz out when he doesn’t return your call or text – that you just sent 5 minutes ago. Or wait: you go off on him because you saw him talking to a woman without even asking who it was. Things like that. A man will only tolerate your crazy but for so long, and the only reason he’s put up with it this long is because you’re fine and the sex is good. That won’t last forever. Sure, his next girlfriend may not be as pretty as you are, but sanity goes a long way when it comes to being wifey material. Think about it.