You all are about to be recipients of a rant, so brace yourselves.
I am sick, irked, annoyed, vexed, riled, bugged and maddened about all the excuses made for the disgraceful reality that nearly 70% of black children are born out of wedlock. But before I continue, let me make it clear that I too, am a ‘baby mamma,’ so put your claws back in.
My oldest daughter is the product of wishful thinking. I WISHED, upon learning that I was pregnant, her father would have made me an honest woman, after a year-and-a half of him dangling that marriage carrot over me. I WISHED that said father hadn’t been a man-child. And finally, I WISHED I hadn’t been so über dumb-assed.
Now, at 12-years-old, my daughter cries about the unfairness of not being able to see her biological father everyday like her other friends, misses out on fun stuff like parties on the weekends her father takes her, and feels conflicting loyalties between the love she naturally feels for her bio dad and the love that has grown between her step-dad, my husband. And you know what? I did that to her. Her father did that to her. Together we created a cluster-crock of past, present and future unpleasant and uncomfortable situations for an innocent child who didn’t ask for her parents to be idiots.
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See how I owned that? Can someone please tell me why the cuss so many other black women and men try and excuse and dismiss, call for a study, blame a white man, slavery, a government conspiracy, faulty birth control, moon spots, ANYTHING to put the blame on our shameful statistics of out-of-wedlock offspring somewhere else other than with ourselves?
Frankly, all these excuses seem like a) we think Trojans are just some army who liked to build wooden horses b) we are incapable of controlling our sexual impulses without first taking the proper precautions, or c) Sade, Brian McNight and Marvin Gaye are tools for Satan.
I read a comment one day from a single mom named Stephanie* about this, and what she said made me throw up a bit in my mouth: “To be quite honest—babies don’t need much else except food, sleep & old fashioned L-O-V-E. Giving your baby a good life won’t really matter to them until they are old enough to notice that they’re dirt poor (lol) and that doesn’t happen until they are well into adolescence.”
Oh Em Gee, with a dash of WTF. I’m the mother of four–yes, cuatro–children, and I can tell you that babies need a lot more than that. But hey, who cares? According to Stephanie*, a child won’t realize you positioned them in a terrible disadvantage until they become teenagers, AND THEN…wait for it…wait…then we can all watch the train wreck:
63% of teen suicides come from fatherless homes
90% of all runaways come from fatherless homes
71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father
80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes
85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes
85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes.
Way to go, Stephanie*, way to go. Soon your child will cease to be only your problem, but our collective pain in the gluteus maximus.
Here’s an idea: why don’t all of us make an effort to at least TRY to create stable and functional homes for children. I’m no Polyanna; I know that marriage doesn’t always work out, but damn, can’t we at least try? It’s time for women and men to stand together with a new mantra, “No Wedding, No Womb!”
*name changed to protect the stupid.
Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of the upcoming book, Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed and runs a blog, beyondblackwhite.com, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships.
