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Shot of a young couple having an argument in the kitchen at home

Dean Mitchell


Dear Ashley,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and I love her very much. In the past, we have had discussions about our kinks and desires and things we both need sexually. However, when 


I’ve tried directing her (use more tongue, slower, faster, etc.), but she seems to just ignore my instructions. Then she complains her mouth is tired and that’s the end of that. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by raising the issue which may make her feel as, though, I don’t enjoy sex with her at all and that’s not the case. So, any suggestions?


Mr. Wants Good Head


Dear Mr. Wants Good Head,

A male friend once told me that most women aren’t as good at giving blow jobs as they think they are. He said a lot of us give very lackluster jobs just as you described and act as if the man should be grateful that we put our mouth on it at all. And I must admit when he said this, I immediately began doing some self-evaluation on my head game. Partnered sex is about pleasing your partner just as much as yourself and MOST people don’t want to be bad performers and actually want to please their partners.


Have you ever heard the saying you get more bees with honey? I think you should try a more positive approach when bringing this up to your girlfriend. No one likes hearing how bad they are at doing something in the middle of doing something. If the head isn’t giving what it’s supposed to give try positive reinforcement. Saying things like, “that feels amazing…more of that please” or  “yes, just like that babe” would help you get more of what you enjoy and less of what you don’t.  Also, do you moan? I always pay attention to my partners moans and body language as a litmus test of my performance. If you don’t want to verbalize in the moment use nonverbal cues such as moans and body language as a way for her to gauge her performance. 


If none of these gentle approaches work, then I would sit her down on a random ass Tuesday, and let here know that you need more from her during oral sex. As a way to soften the blow, I would buy her a ticket to attend a “Blowjob Workshop.” There are plenty sex educators out there, like Reba The Diva and Goody Howard, who provide both virtual and in person blow job classes. These classes are fun, informative and will provide her with new tips and techniques that will improve her oral game. 

RELATED CONTENT: DEAR ASHLEY: I Love Pleasing My Man But His Junk Is Too Big For My Trunk

Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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