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Dear Ashley,

How do I recover from purity culture? I remember you saying a while ago that you used to be a member of the purity group Pinky Promise. I also was a member, however, due to my experience with religion and purity culture, I have found it hard to have a healthy sexual experience not riddled in shame. I need help with deprogramming and becoming more sex-positive. 

Seeking help,

Ex Pinky Promiser

 

Dear Ex Pinky Promiser,

I don’t share my Pinky Promise story often. That part of my life feels like eons ago, but yes, I used to be a member of Pinky Promise. In fact, not only was I a member, but I used to be a group leader–shocking, I know. What most people don’t know about me is that I grew up in the church. I was at church every Wednesday for Bible Study and at every Sunday School and Sunday service. If I don’t know anything else, I know church! It’s surprising to most people when they learn this about me. How can someone go from preaching abstinence and waiting till marriage to teaching sexual liberation and exploration? Healing–that’s how. The journey from holy to heaux is an introsepective journey that makes you reexamine everything you’ve ever been taught about sex and God.

Purity culture is a subculture of church culture that promotes the biblical principles of purity and modesty in women. Therefore, making them out to be the gatekeepers of sexuality while in most cases excusing the opposite behavior in men. The repercussions of growing up in purity culture has long-lasting impacts on mental health. Purity culture causes body, sexual or gender identity shame and even creates sexual dysfunction that can last long into adulthood. 

One of the important steps to deprogramming purity culture is to first identify which beliefs received from purity culture are serving you and which are blocking you. This was huge for me. Purity culture taught me that my body and desires for sex outside of marriage were sinful when being horny and wanting sex is a natural human behavior. It’s equally important on this journey from holy to heaux to learn what you desire for sex. I remember when I was a part of Pinky Promise and struggled with the idea of masturbation being sinful. I vowed not to have sex before marriage, nor was I supposes to touch myself. WTF? I had to pick a struggle. There was no way I was going to not do both. Plus, masturbation has health benefits. Lastly, you’re going to have to change the narrative around sex. I recommend some required reading to understand the various aspects of purity culture and where it originated. I hope these help.

 

The Sexual Politics of Black Churches by Josef Sorett

Pussy Prayers by Black Girl Bliss

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

All About Love by bell hooks

 

Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown

 


Dear Ashley is a weekly sex column where Sexpert Ashley Cobb answers your intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. Email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com

Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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