Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth”, has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at email@example.com
I’m a pretty shy when it comes to sex. I have some past trauma and I sometimes get overwhelmed. I like kink and on rare occasions can be very dominant, but when asked what I like; If there is anything I want to try or what my preferences are, I mostly respond, ‘I don’t know.’ I just go along with the program.
I get flustered and confused when things start heating up. Like–what do I do with my hands, mouth? Blowjobs hurt my mouth; I can take the gagging but the strain it causes my jaw muscles is torture. I’m also afraid of my teeth getting in the way. I don’t know what to do with myself during foreplay. Any advice on sex and shyness?
Dear Shy Girl,
I totally get where you are coming from. Believe it or not I use to be very shy when it came to sex and in some ways I still am. Want to know how I overcame my awkwardness? Practice. Everybody can’t be Allen Iverson. Some of us need practice! Not to sound like an afterschool special, but practice really does make perfect. The more you do a thing the better you become at it. Do you masturabate? Masturbation is a great practice to learn your body. Masturbating helps you decipher what feels good, where your hot spots are located and how you like to be touched. I highly recommend starting a masturbation regimen if you haven’t done so already.
Did you know I used to teach blowjob classes a few years ago? So consider me your blowjob Fairy Godmother. A blowjob hack I’ve learned over the years is to use speech motor exercises to decrease mouth pain during blowjobs. Your mouth and tongue are muscles and muscles can be overworked, so it’s good practice to warm them up before use. Want to hear a secret? Back in the day, I used to practice my blowjob skills on bananas. Bananas are easy to come by. They are penis-shaped and feel flesh-like which makes them the perfect fruit to practice fellatio. Go by your local grocery store and pick up a banana or two and go to work. That way when the real thing comes you won’t be intimidated.
Also, therapy would be a great benefit. As you hinted, your past traumas may be a contributing factor to your shyness. A trained sex therapist may help you heal your tramuas around sex and give you resources on how to show up more confidently in the bedroom. Websites such as Therapy For Black Girls are a great resource to help locate the right therapist in your area who fits your needs.
Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley