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Welcome to Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes, anal sex,  finding the right sex toy and everything in between. Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at


Dear Ashley,

I have a question about my boyfriend whom I love very much. I know he loves me too.  He works an AM and a PM job.  He makes time for me but he also has a son, a business and we are starting a business together.  Needless to say he’s busy.  We’re busy. He’s about 8 years my senior.  He’s 49 and knocking on 50’s door and I’m 41. We do our best to prioritize and make time for each other.  We plan trips and we really enjoy each other. But this past weekend, we went away and it was like we were 2 old people.

I was so unhappy, I just about cried. We maybe had sex 1 time. SMDH. However, it seems that when we do have time together, his BIG MAN down there is so limp that he can’t perform like the H-Town knocking the boots man I know he is.  Honestly, I wouldn’t put up with this from anyone else. But, he’s truly worth it. He treats me good, has a good heart. He’s human so he’s not perfect but, this one THING gotta get right.  I’ve mentioned to him to go to the doctor and possibly get some Viagra. I said it in a joking way but he knew I was VERY serious.

I just don’t know what to do.  It’s been about 7 months since he could consistently get 100%.  The crazy part is he’s so large that my lady parts just go against me every time. So even when he’s like 50% not at 100% I still get off.  Trust me, I want ALL of him to be there and the affection. The kissing, the romance all of that. I think his testosterone level is way down. I told him he needs to get it checked.  I just think he feels bad about it. He’s nervous to tell the doctor and he focuses on all of this when we are in the bed. So the romance is minimized. 

I just want my man back at his full potential because I’m truly getting to an angry point and almost getting fed up.  My drive is through the roof. I’ve cried to him, been upset and even did the girly pouting thing.  He hears me but doesn’t truly HEAR ME YET. I feel like hitting the RESET button and walking out. But I don’t want to hurt him.  Please help me. I don’t want to cheat, but she is splashing down there and I can’t hold back much longer.


Dear Ms Sex Deprived,

I completely understand your frustration. I am sorry you are going through this. Your boyfriend definitely seems to be suffering from erectile dysfunction (ED), also known as impotence. ED happens when men can’t get or keep an erection that’s adequate for the sexual satisfaction of both partners. The good news is you guys are not alone. 30 million men suffer(ed) from ED. ED is treatable in a lot of cases but your boyfriend has to go see a doctor. Men have a lot of pride and ego in their ability to perform sexually. He knows his penis isn’t working properly and I’m sure this brings about shame. I am going to give you some tips on how to deal with this temporarily but he needs to see a doctor to find a more permanent solution. 

Contrary to popular belief, an erection is not necessary for ejaculation and orgasm. If men receive sufficiently vigorous stimulation, it’s still quite possible for them to have an orgasm with only a partial erection. Here are some tips to assist you both and having an orgasm and more pleasurable sex. Penis massages are a great way to assist him in getting an erection. Many men over 50 often get a firm erection during solo sex but during intercourse, they do not achieve the same effect. Allow him to show you how he likes to be touched and mimic that.  Oral sex is another way to help him “grow” in size. The penis is its most erect during oral sex. Performing fellatio is a great way to get him to a pleasurable size. Not only are hand massages and oral great for him, they’re also more likely to bring you to orgasm as well. Only 25 percent of women achieve orgasm during intercourse. That means three-quarters of women must have direct clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm.

You guys could also experiment with a penis sleeve — an artificial vagina or mouth that, when lubricated, feels much like the real thing. Penis sleeves are recommended for men whose erections are neither firm nor persistent enough for vaginal intercourse. Do you own a dildo or vibrator? Incorporating him in the mix while you masturbate can be a fun and enjoyable way to have sex. This last one might be a stretch but what about a strap-on? He can wear a strap-on to penetrate you, this option most closely replicates the act of sex, however, getting him to try it will be the problem. If he’s not open and comfortable enough to speak with a doctor I doubt he is open enough to strap up, but you never know until you try.  

Hopefully one of these will do the trick, but ultimately the solution here is getting your boyfriend a doctor’s appointment as soon as possible. 


Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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