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Women usually feel that the man should be the one to pursue them. It’s the start of every love story in the movies and is pitched as an essential part of the “happily ever after.” Women who pursue the man they want are usually looked at as overbearing or laughed at, like Nikki Parker. Christian Ross, one of Atlanta’s top real estate brokers, feels that idea is antiquated and needs to be banished from our minds.
When Ross first saw her husband, she was captivated by him. Instead of waiting for him to set his sights on her, she approached him, but she was denied. Not once, not twice but three times. This type of rejection is discouraging, but Ross didn’t take it personally. She was actually confused.
“I was like obviously something’s wrong with him,” she said. “Maybe he didn’t understand the question. I really didn’t think about it as rejection. I thought about it as ‘obviously something’s wrong with him today’. I put it back on him.”
After being shot down the second time, Ross realized that she was receiving the type of brush-off that most men get from women, so she decided to take a page from their book.
“My mind switched [and I realized] that this is what guys do!,” she told me. “This is how they see it when a female tells them no and then they’re like the chase is on.”
For Ross, instead of giving up, she began her pursuit. Fast forward to 2021 and they have been married for 15 years.
Ross is adamant about women learning to pursue love aggressively. In order to do this, Ross said that women must rid their mind of the idea that they are supposed to sit and wait for a man to pick them to be their leading lady.
“There’s a lot of antiquated thoughts about how we should engage with the opposite sex,” she said. “Why wait for him? If you’re interested, talk about it and really just get to know what he likes. I feel like that opened the door [for me].”
Christian Ross Source: Mecca Gamble Photography / Mecca Gamble Photography
Even though her husband turned her down three times, Ross had easy access to him because they were co-workers. When she learned that he liked MMA fights, she asked if he would like to go to one with her and he finally obliged.
Ross was able to pursue love aggressively successfully because she doesn’t “attach herself to the outcome.”
“You have to attach yourself to the process [of the pursuit] but not the outcome of where it might go,” she said regarding asking men out on a date. [Instead, attach yourself to] the process of getting to know that person. Don’t attach yourself to the possibility of that person saying no.”
Being disappointed was channeled into motivation, something that is key when it comes to going after your love interest. Another idea that makes women hesitant to date aggressively is the fear that they will be looked at as “thirsty.” But if you’re thirsty, why stay parched? Ross said that women must disregard the outdated rules that have been based on our gender roles and overcome their fears in order to pursue them with purpose. She even recommended courting the man who you have your eye on.
“As much as we want to be courted, men want to be courted too. Their ego loves it. They love it. Just like they want to be recognized at work, they want to be recognized [in dating]. You don’t have to go overboard and do all these different expressions of affection, but you can do one or two gestures. Maybe send a video saying you had a great time or send a photo in front of the museum saying ‘hey maybe we should go here next time’. There’s so many ways to build a friendship while you’re building a relationship while you’re pursuing.”
Since Ross and her husband were also coworkers, they built a friendship while she was hot on her pursuit. If you’re able to, she said focus on the process of building a friendship first.
“Attach yourself to the process of getting to know this person, of getting to know how you feel with this person, how this person energizes you,” she continued. “Also, [learn] how you can live with their flaws because no one is perfect. We have to stop having these ideals of perfection because they don’t exist.”
Another crucial part of dating aggressively is the willingness to be vulnerable.
“I understand keeping your heart guarded but you have to make sure you’re opening up because you’re not going to experience full vulnerability and full love if you don’t,” she said.
Even if they say no, Ross recommends asking “why not?” Asking this question can give you closure along with the ability to move on because “sometimes we are being protected from a door we aren’t supposed to open.”
The pursuit can’t last forever, though. If the person you have your eye on is being rude, can’t answer the “why not” or is being dishonest, cut the chase short.
“We have internal code that we have to listen to but sometimes we question it. We have to listen to ourselves.”
