Do Your Friends Treat You Like A Therapist? - Page 7
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Not everyone grows up with the same understanding of what it means to be a friend, or what healthy expectations are of friends. Our parents are our first role models for all types of relationships, both romantic and platonic, and we can pick up some of the ways we handle friendships based on what we saw our moms and dads do growing up. Sometimes, the way we develop is more indirect, and we behave in friendships the way we needed to behave as kids to get the sorts of attention we wanted from parents. By the time one is an adult, there is a lot of unlearning to do. It’s a time to figure out which behaviors you carry out with clear eyes and a grownup perspective, and which are left over from childhood, and perhaps no longer serving you?
Possibly one of the most difficult things to figure out about human relationships is how to strike a balance between give and take. It’s easy to veer too far to one side – either constantly being the giver that people walk all over, or constantly being the taker, who walks all over others. Existing more in the center requires constant attention to our own actions and a lot of self-awareness. Not everyone is capable of it. And for many, they can wind up in a situation where they feel more like a therapist to their friends than a friend. It’s a common trap to fall into and can be hard to get out of. But you need your friends to energize you, rather than just drain you. We spoke with Kiara Hartwell, a licensed counselor and founder of Kiara Hartwell LLC, about signs your friends treat you more like a therapist than a friend.
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What does it look like?
Do you find yourself doing a lot of listening with your friend, rather than much sharing? Hartwell gave an example of a common occurrence in these friendships where one person is treated like a therapist, rather than a friend. She says it can look like “The therapist friend getting on a phone call or showing up to a dinner or coffee date expecting to have a mutual conversation about life, but instead are often sitting in silence for a long period of time listening to their friend’s issues.”
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Is it just venting?
You might look at the above scenario and think, “Well, that’s a normal thing friends do – they share what’s happening in their lives.” But there are some dynamics that push this into the therapy zone, rather than the friend one. For example, if your friend just wants to vent, that’s fine. But if she relies on you to provide the answer to all her problems, before you can move on talking about your life, you may fall into the therapist role.
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When it crosses a line
One can know they’re in the therapist position, says Hartwell, if “After their friend has spent a period of time talking, their friend inquires about what to do, what feedback does the therapist friend have, what does the therapist friend think about the situation, and the list goes on.” Then it can become clear the friend doesn’t come to these lunches to share in a balanced give-take dynamic as a friend: they come here for a more one-sided benefit.
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When to set a boundary
It’s important to give everyone a little leeway, and understand that, sometimes, someone is just going through a rough patch – it won’t be like this forever. You may not need to speak up if your friend emotionally dumps on you at just one or two lunches. When patterns occur, that’s when it’s an issue. “If this is in the beginning [of the friendship], the therapist friend may be completely fine with it, but if it’s later in the friendship where it’s happening frequently, the friend will likely want to take a deep breath and have an inner dialogue about how to respond – should they respond with setting a boundary or should they respond as the therapist?”
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Setting a precedent
Hartwell brings up an important point about how to respond when a friend emotionally dumps. You probably do have great advice and wisdom to impart. However, that doesn’t always mean you should give it – that can set the precedent that this person can treat your friendship time as a therapy session. So even if you do feel you know just how to solve your friend’s life problems, you have to ask yourself: “If I do this, am I creating an unhealthy precedent?” There’s value in saying, “Maybe you should speak to a therapist about this. I’m not the best person to advise you on this.”
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How a balanced friendship should look
“If this is an equally balanced friendship, both parties will hop on a phone call or show up to a dinner or coffee date and have that mutual conversation that they are looking for. However, it can be that maybe on a specific date one friend is talking more about what they have going on and the next time it’s the other friend. Or, in that one setting, both friends are equally sharing what’s going on.”
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When the scales are tipped
In a balanced friendship, Hartwell explains, “Both friends are feeling mutually respected, heard, and given a chance to help the other. Both friends feel good about the friendship and are able to equally reciprocate.” But in a dynamic where one person feels more like a therapist, she says, “In a take-take dynamic, the take-take friend’s balance would be all the way up and the therapist friend’s balance would be all the way down.”
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Sometimes you can just say something
Being an actual therapist, Hartwell has found herself in this position before. She says that sometimes, just telling the friend that the balance is off can be enough. “There have been times, mostly in the past, when I’ve felt like my friends would use me to emotionally dump instead of being a mutual dialogue. However, when I would become frustrated about not really being able to share what was going on with me, eventually I would say something and they would be understanding.”
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See if they’ll change – but don’t wait forever
Hartwell suggests that those who find themselves in this tricky situation, “Let their friends know what they’re doing and how it’s impacting them, set a boundary with their friend about how frequently their friend can share, and perhaps try to switch the topic at times! If a friend isn’t able to in a reasonable amount of time make the switch, it may be time to take a little space from the friendship or not be as engaged in the friendship until you feel like boundaries are being respected. It doesn’t mean that love is lost, but it just means that you are protecting yourself and your energy.”
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Refer them to an actual therapist
“I definitely understand this dynamic and it can be very stressful and change the dynamic of the relationship in which the therapist friend may take a step back from the friendship,” says Hartwell. But if you don’t want to end or take space from the friendship, Hartwell suggests encouraging your friend to seek help from an actual therapist, to remove that burden from the friendship. She does admit, however, that with some friends she’s suggested this, “They have not [seen a therapist] for various reasons, whether it may be income, fear-based, [being] unsure of what to expect or what will happen, not being able to make room for it in their schedule, or whatever the case may be.”
