Dating Advice That Blocks Authenticity
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It probably seems like every time you go on a date, your best friends gather around you and start tossing every piece of dating advice imaginable at you. They tell you to be yourself — but not totally. They have input on whether or not he picks you up for the date or you drive yourself. What about your outfit? That’s also important to everyone around you for some reason. Even when you stand in line to check out at the grocery store, magazine headlines tell you to be yourself by then telling you what being yourself should look like.
Considering the fact that “just be yourself” is such a common piece of dating advice, it certainly feels that all of the other pieces tell you to be anything but yourself. Is dating advice even truly necessary? Should advice, perhaps, be more focused on understanding what it is that you want and need, and learning how to identify whether or not someone else can provide that for you? Should there maybe be no filters at all during the dating process so everyone can show their true selves and also see each other completely? That seems to be what some of the best dating coaches focus on: authenticity above all else.
On that note, we chatted with Tiffany Rae’Shan and Francesca Hogi, two insightful life coaches, about popular dating advice that isn’t very useful. Read on to see what they told us.
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It’s a date; not an interrogation
There’s a lot to be said for just assessing how we feel, in a resting state, around somebody. But the first-date process can interfere with that. “I honestly can’t stand it when I see advice about all the questions you should ask on a first date. We become so busy being an interviewer and investigator that we forget to relax and actually enjoy the date,” says Rae’Shan.
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Most first-date questions are futile
Rae’Shan provides this nugget of wisdom to her Instagram followers, which further explains why some of the questions we ask on first dates aren’t even that useful. “Your standards should be less about what a man is but how he puts his character into action. Example: His title and salary vs. how he manages his finances and provides.” You can’t determine those latter behaviors from questions. Those will be proven through actions.
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The first date has a simple goal
“The first meeting should be all about assessing mutual interest and determining if there will be a second date,” says Rae’Shan. She adds that it may not be the right time to go too deep. “Asking a guy that you’ve just met how he has dealt with his childhood trauma is a bit much. I mean I’m a therapist and I wouldn’t ask that in an initial session.”
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What it really means to prepare for a date
Rae’Shan also published an important list about how to be ready for dating on her Instagram page. It has nothing to do with having the right questions ready or wearing the right outfit. A lot of it is internal, personal work, that can’t be done in the 10 minutes leading up to a date. “You are living your life to the fullest,” “You are mentally sound and emotionally mature,” and “You have taken responsibility for your growth and healing” are just a few items on the list.
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What’s the purpose behind the reward?
“Any advice that centers around ‘game-playing’ is toxic in my opinion. Much of dating advice is focused on short-term outcomes, e.g. getting someone to ask you out, or text you back, or generally ‘playing it cool,” says Hogi. Hogi brings up an interesting point in that we can get caught up in whether or not someone texts back, asks us out again, or shows interest, without asking why we even want that.
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Focus on the bigger “Why”
“To get into a healthy relationship that lasts, it’s important to focus on the long-term outcomes,” advises Hogi. “That shifts your focus from a short-term ego or dopamine boost to determining your compatibility over time.”
So instead of just knowing you want to be in a relationship like yesterday, focus on what you want that relationship to look like in the long run.
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His interest may be an empty reward
Research has found we get a literal dopamine boost when we get a text message (including from a date), but then we become addicted to that reward and seek more and more of it. If you’re focused on whether or not he texts you back, it may have nothing to do with compatibility and everything to do with brain chemicals.
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Finding compatibility requires vulnerability
“When [finding long-term compatibility’s] your focus, then being clear about what kind of relationship you’re looking for is essential,” says Hogi. “Being vulnerable and authentic is essential to determine if someone is capable of being the right match for you.”
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It’s not him vs. you: it’s about us
“Moving from a ‘How can I get this person to like me?’ mindset to a ‘Do we like each other, plus are we ready and available to co-create a relationship that works for us both?’ mindset is the fastest path to love,” says Hogi. We spoke with Hogi in another interview about self-love, and why it’s an important part of being ready to co-create a relationship.
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“I want you to want me” – it’s only natural
If you crave attention over compatibility, be aware of it, and work on it, but don’t be too hard on yourself. We biologically evolved to crave attention – we even have negative biological responses when we don’t receive enough of it. So it’s not all vanity that drives you to want him to want you back. It’s evolution, too.
