It's Okay To Not Be The Perfect Working Stay-At-Home Mom

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Few people are having an easy time during the pandemic, but moms who are now working from home while watching their kids may be one of the groups that’s been hit the hardest — and they’re reaching their breaking point. One survey found that an astounding 25 percent of parents to kids under the age of 18 voluntarily reduced their hours to stay home with their children after the pandemic shut down schools. And of couples parenting together, 63 percent of women say they are the primary caretakers at home, even while handling jobs. Here’s another shocking (or not shocking?) figure: 81 percent of working mothers say they led the charge on homeschooling during this time. How are they doing it?

If you feel you’re reaching your breaking point, and are hard on yourself for not being the perfect image of grace and patience, don’t be. Nobody could expect you to be perfect right now, so don’t expect it of yourself. We spoke with Amber Dee, a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder & CEO of Black Female Therapists. She had some encouraging words for work-from-home mothers feeling the pressure to be perfect right now. Follow Dee on Instagram @theamberdee.

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Insecurity as a part of life

“We all have faced insecurities or a particular fear at some point in our lives. Some people deal with them sporadically while others deal with them daily. During this unusual time in history, mothers are faced with the fears of being a good parent, a good provider, and even a good significant other,” says Dee.

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There are no rules, so there are none to break

“For those clients, I have to remind them that we are in an unprecedented time where there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to do things and to give themselves some grace,” says Dee. “Parenting is already a big responsibility and adding homeschooling, working from home, and financial uncertainty can really load up your plate.”

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Create a schedule

“A routine for yourself and your children will give a sense of normalcy during these uncertain times. Designate a particular area for your children and set goals for the day. Be sure to have a schedule that is flexible and includes some downtime,” advises Dee. Research has proven that children are more focused when tasks are broken up by creative activities or rest and segmented into short timeframes.

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The schedule helps you, too

“Each activity of the day can be segmented with a timer that let’s your children know that it doesn’t last forever. Timers are very helpful because they alert your children when it is okay for them to take a break or when it is time to start a new segment. It’s also good for the parent to know when to plan meetings or how long they have on each task,” says Dee.

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Celebrate their accomplishments

“Delayed gratification is great when it comes to motivation. Setting small rewards like having ice cream or watching an episode of their favorite show works to help them get through those unpleasant schoolwork assignments,” says Dee.

Supporting Dee’s words is research that shows tying rewards to something a child can control can be truly motivating. For example, rewarding your child for time spent studying instead of for getting the best grade in his class. He can control the first, but not the second.

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Everybody can pitch in

“The family may be used to you handling the grocery shopping, laundry, and cleaning,” says Dee. And she’s right. Studies have found that even mothers with live-in male partners still do most of the household work, and even more than single mothers do. “Now with our ‘new normal,’ it is time for some new routines. Delegate, delegate, delegate. Get the family together and let everyone choose from a list of things that need to be done around the house,” says Dee.

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Collaborate with your spouse

“With everyone picking one thing from the list, that’s one less thing moms have to be concerned about. Also talk to your spouse about setting the example. When you and your spouse are on the same page, it makes it easier for the family to transition,” advises Dee.

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Don’t keep your needs to yourself

“Communication is always important but especially during this time. Though we would like our significant other to read our minds, the truth is…they can’t. That’s why it is important to express your needs and identify what support would be helpful for you,” says Dee.

Research has proven that women are better at “reading someone’s mind” (really, we’re just analyzing facial expressions) than men are. So, you really can’t rely on your male partner to determine what you need without your telling him.

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Take care of you, for others

“Most importantly, you have to take some time for yourself,” instructs Dee. “Self-care is the number one priority. My favorite saying that I tell all my clients is, ‘Fill your cup first so that you are able to give everyone your overflow because you can’t pour into others with an empty cup.’ Find time to wake up 30 mins earlier or take frequent 10 min breaks throughout the day (yes, sitting in the bathroom counts) for some deserved me-time.”