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I was chatting with my sister this weekend about the many men she works with in the restaurant industry, and how there are some whom she can always count on to make a borderline creepy/flirtatious comment when they come around. She braces herself for it when she has to encounter these dudes. Sometimes, it isn’t even something overtly gross or sexual, but they still just have to say something that lets it be known that they see her a certain way. It almost seems like some dudes have this knee-jerk reaction—maybe it’s a strange form of Tourette’s syndrome—by which they must let any present female know she is a sexual object. Lord forbid they let a woman escape the room without making sure she knows that everyone noticed she’s pretty, when she was just trying to…make a business deal or…make a purchase.
This struggle isn’t limited to women in the restaurant industry (though it is too common there). Most women can probably agree that, sadly, walking around in the world as a woman means always being ready for these little comments. Some are not so little—some are truly disturbing. My sister and I made a great observation about that, though. We said there simply are men who go there, and ones who don’t. There is no in-between. No grey area. A man either is the type of man who A) Is aware that women put up with a lot and B) Cares to try to minimize that for them or…he just doesn’t think of it. Honestly, I think that respectful men certainly have many of the creepy thoughts that creepy men have. They just take the extra step of using a filter before speaking. Some men just care about going out of their way to make sure women around them feel comfortable—particularly women they are courting—and some men never think about it. Men who care about a woman’s comfort will do these things.
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Let you choose the place
If you want to choose a place where you know the entire staff, a man should be fine with that. He shouldn’t be bothered that they’re all “vetting” him or judging him. If you feel most at ease there, then that’s where you two should go. He shouldn’t push for some dingy, obscure, back-alley bar where nobody can see you two.
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Let you bring a friend
While it may not be ideal, if you state that you would just feel most comfortable having a friend along on a date—or that you go out in a group—he should respect that. It’s scary for a woman out there in the world of online dating. Any man with good intentions will understand if you want a chaperone.
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Take any hesitation as a “No”
Men who aim to make a woman feel at ease will take any hesitation surrounding physical contact as a hard “No.” They won’t tease you for it, saying things like, “Aw. You’re shy. So cute” or ask, “Why did you pull away from me?” They’ll take the signal, back off, and wait for you to initiate physical contact again.
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Pick an appropriate hour
Some men are clueless and ask you to meet them for a midnight movie. They aren’t trying to be creeps, but they’re just dumb. But that’s the difference between men who actively care about your comfort level and those who don’t. The former thinks, “Hmm, a midnight meet-up might make a woman uncomfortable. I’ll ask her to meet me at 7pm.”
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Steer you clear of creeps
If a man you’ve been dating for a bit is taking you somewhere where he knows there may be a creep—maybe it’s a friend’s birthday party, where he knows a creepy acquaintance will be—he’ll give you a warning about this guy. And if he sees this guy talking to you, he’ll swoop in and save you.
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Allow for a day date
If a woman wants to just meet for coffee or breakfast or a dog walk in the middle of the day, any man who cares for her comfort will accept that. He won’t push for night drinks or dinner because it’s sexier. He’ll let her set the pace on when lunch turns into dinner.
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Never pry
If he can tell that you don’t want to talk about something, a considerate man won’t push the issue. He won’t take some weird pleasure in making you uncomfortable, and try to draw the information out of you. He’ll say, “I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about that. Let’s talk about something else.”
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Leave the joke on the table
Sometimes, a situation will present itself in which an obvious sexual innuendo is just there for the taking. Nobody meant for it to happen, but there was a misuse of words, and there it is. A man who doesn’t want to creep you out doesn’t pounce on the joke. He just lets it die.
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Edit compliments
It’s so easy to take “You have an amazing ass” and turn it into “I can tell that you care about staying in shape.” Or something like that. Men who want you to feel like you aren’t just a piece of meat will edit their compliments, so you don’t feel they’re just here for sex.
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Not drink too much
It’s such an easy thing to do—just go easy on the alcohol. And dudes who actually care about letting you know that they are monitoring themselves, trying to behave themselves, and trying to remain in control of their actions will not get wasted on a first date.
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Limit conflict with other men
Look, sometimes, another man at a bar or restaurant will accidentally bump into your date, or you, or spill your drink, or say something rude. Men who care to make you comfortable won’t let that conflict escalate. They won’t let their egos get the best of them and pick an all-out-brawl, leaving you there shaking and terrified.
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Hands off for now
Generally speaking, men who want to make you comfortable won’t really touch you until you initiate physical touch. They may do small things like grab your hand just so they don’t lose you when you’re walking through a crowded bar, or put their hand on the middle of your back to get your attention and ask what you’d like to drink. But that’s about it.
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Keep it light for now
If you like to go deep on the first date, that’s fine. If you like to share your life story, traumas, and insecurities, okay. But dudes who want you to feel at ease won’t ask you to. They’ll keep the conversation light and fun, and if you want to steer it somewhere more personal, they’ll follow.
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Try to make her laugh
It’s the simplest thing in the world but it makes all the difference in putting a woman at ease. Men who want you to feel comfortable will just aim to make you laugh. Laughter instantly makes people feel relaxed and safe. When a man makes you laugh, it shows instantly that he cares that you have a good time.
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Ask if you slipped up
Even considerate men will make mistakes. But what makes them considerate is that, if they notice they may have made you uncomfortable, they’ll simply ask, “Hey, I’m sorry, did that make you uncomfortable?” and if it did, they’ll apologize and try to make things right.
