Ways He Tells You He's Emotionally Struggling

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Though men may have it easier than women in a lot of ways, I will give them this: showing emotions doesn’t come easily to them. Or, at least, even if they’re good at showing them, they aren’t always encouraged to do so. I’ll even admit that, when a man cries, I almost don’t know what to do. It’s just so foreign to me. I don’t know how to react. Am I supposed to hug him and comfort him? Like I would a female friend? Or is he so embarrassed to be crying that he’d rather I not acknowledge it with a hug?

One thing is for sure: if one of the strong men in my life cries, I definitely feel like something is very wrong. I don’t feel that way if a woman cries. Crying for us is like…exercise or meditation: just a healthy part of our routine. We cry freely and openly. It’s not the end of the world when we cry, and we aren’t embarrassed about it. It’s funny: for all the strides our society has made in terms of obliterating gender norms, it’s so clear to me that we still have a lot of work to do when I think of the idea of men and emotions. It’s really still considered “effeminate” if a straight man is openly emotional. If our society is at all uncomfortable with depression, we’re especially uncomfortable with it in men.

We can’t change that overnight, and since it is the case, any woman out there who loves a man knows the struggle of pulling emotions out of a male. Our partners are lucky in the respect that we just tell them I’m lonely or I feel helpless. We can let them know the issue so they can try to help us. That openness doesn’t go both ways. Women have to look for signs. If you partner is going through something rough, here are ways he shows you he’s emotionally struggling, without saying it.

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He’s drinking more than usual

He isn’t just having one drink at dinner, and he isn’t even drinking socially. You find him drinking earlier than usual, or by himself, or in excess. He seems to be hiding his drinking from you—which is common when someone knows he’s drinking for the wrong reasons. He makes dark jokes about alcohol being his happy juice, or his best friend.

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An increase in other vices

Perhaps he’s eating more junk food, binge watching TV, taking up smoking again (or smoking more than usual). In general, he’s thrown caution to the wind with things he usually only enjoys infrequently, and in moderation. When you try to tell him about the risks of overdoing it on those vices, he just says, “So?” or “I don’t care.”

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He’s all sarcasm

He’s become increasingly sarcastic. He’s generally just very negative, but he masks it with jokes. He’s always ready with an underhanded comment about a person or a situation. Sarcasm is the best friend of a man with a chip on his shoulder. It’s a socially acceptable way to be very negative and have a bleak outlook.

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Though he jokes, he never smiles

Even though he’s always making sarcastic jokes, he never smiles. There’s a difference between someone who cracks a lot of jokes and someone who actually laughs at jokes himself. A man who is deeply sad will be ready with a joke, but you’ll rarely see him smile after telling one, or laugh at anyone else’s jokes.

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He’s neglecting self-care

Shaving. Showering. Getting a haircut. Refreshing his clothes. Cutting his nails. He’s really slacking off on these things. When a man is emotionally struggling, he usually doesn’t see the point in taking care of his physical body. Self-care is what someone does who has hope, and when a man has lost hope, he sees no point in self-care.

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He makes problems bigger

If he learns of a small problem, he makes it out to be much bigger. If he learns that someone he doesn’t like will be stepping in as supervisor at work for the week, he declares the business will fall apart. If some young new neighbors move in, he says they’ll be loud and ruin his peace—and that the block is now ruined.

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He’s irritable

He’s quick to become irritable. If you just pester him a couple of times to ask what he wants for dinner or whether or not he can pick up your prescription, he lashes out. He responds like an angsty teenager talking to his mother. But, he’s also quick to punish himself after losing his temper with you—you can tell he’s angrier with himself than with you.

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He “just wants to watch TV”

It’s going on many nights (or weeks) now that he’d rather just watch TV than interact. When he gets home from work, and you try to engage him in a conversation, he gives you a meek look and says, “Is it okay if we just do our own things tonight? I just feel like watching TV.” If he knows he’s in a negative place, he may want to hide that by avoiding conversation.

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He doesn’t want to have sex

Whatever his normal sex drive is—that’s been nearly obliterated. You always initiate. He seems distant during sex. He seems distant after sex. He’s even gotten irritated with you for trying to initiate sex. Despite the stereotype that men always want to have sex, if they’re depressed, they simply won’t be in the mood.

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He takes a lot of alone time

He wants to do everything by himself. You ask if he wants company going to the coffee shop, taking the dog for a walk, or running errands. He doesn’t. Men are taught to hide their negative emotions, so when they’re going through a rough time, they might do whatever they can to isolate themselves.

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He’s blowing off his fitness

Whatever his usual fitness routine is, he’s completely blowing that off. That may not seem like a huge deal, but again, self-care goes hand in hand with having hope for the future—men care for themselves by exercising when they think there is a reason to stay sharp. If a man quits his fitness routine, it can be because he just doesn’t think there’s anything good in the future to stay in shape for.

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He suggests he’s a burden

He often makes comments about how he’s a burden. He says things about you wishing you could get away from him. If you go out with friends, he says, “It’s good you get some time away from me.” Or if you invite him somewhere, he says it’s better for everyone if he doesn’t go—he’ll just ruin the experience.

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He’s unresponsive to a letdown

Something that would normally greatly disappoint him gets almost no reaction out of him. His sports team losing. His friend cancelling on him. His dad making that type of comment he can’t stand. Your man barely flinches in the face of letdowns that typically get him very worked up. But when a man is depressed, his outlook is that everything is bad, so when something is actually bad, it’s like nothing changes.

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He ignores outreach from loved ones

You get the sense that if you weren’t in his life, he wouldn’t talk to anybody right now. You’re his partner, and perhaps you live together, so he can’t escape you, but he’s ignoring everyone else. He’s letting his friend’s and family member’s calls go to voicemail, and taking days to call them back.