Black Women Open Up About What They Plan to Tell Their Daughters About Sex
In the last decade, we have witnessed the transformation of the internet, granting us access to information faster than ever before. With apps like Instagram, Facebook, Twitter,and Snapchat, not only do we have access to everything immediately, so do our kids. Let’s be real; sex is everywhere. It’s in our music videos, the news, it’s on our favorite programming. The question is, how do we have honest conversations about sex with our kids, and protect them simultaneously?
I ask both mothers and aspiring mothers how they plan to have the ‘sex talk’ with their daughters.
My daughter is so young I haven’t thought about what to teach her about sex. I suppose I’d start where I feel like my mother fell short. Growing up, it was more so don’t do it verses giving me an understanding of what actions can lead to what consequences, ie: unprotected sex leading to pregnancy or STDs. I’m going to tell me daughter sex is apart of life and that your value shouldn’t all be placed in your virginity, but it is special. I will share that sex comes with emotional maturity because boys at her age won’t be as mature as she. I will give her the tools to make decisions and how to deal after. Most importantly, I will be there to listen as she experiences because there is no blueprint or rules. Much of life is all about experience and reacting in the moment and learning how to adapt. I will be forthcoming about my relationship with sex and how I feel about it and give her space to feel how she wants to feel.
Shamika, mom of 1, 31
Shaneeka Thomas, 33
Sex is natural. Sex should be pleasurable for you. Don’t have sex unless you’re comfortable. Have unprotected sex when you’re ready to raise a child.
Keyaira Kelly, Not a mom yet, 30
- Never have sex with a man who you wouldn’t want to be. That means take a look at his character: is he kind to you? Is he kind to others? Is he disciplined? Responsible? Focused? Compassionate? Sex is an energy exchange and you don’t want to take on the energy of someone who isn’t good to themselves or others.
- Once you start, you’ll always want it—so make sure you’re ready for the responsibility to manage how and when that happens in a healthy way. Don’t have sex because you’re lonely or need validation or just to fill an “urge.” Have sex when you want to grow in intimacy with someone, want to share a part of yourself with someone, and trust them to respect all of you.
- Your body will not depreciate in value because you had sex. You don’t lose your virginity—you gain sex which means all the love and pain that can come with it. If that sounds overwhelming—you’re not ready. –
Joya Coatley, 36, mom of two
What I would teach my daughters about sex:
I would tell her the truth. I would tell her that sex should be within marriage. but I know that in this day and age it isn’t a realistic goal hell me and your dad didn’t wait LOL. However if and when you are ready I want you to always feel comfortable talking to me about it. Remember sex comes with alot of responsibility. physically, mentally and spiritually. Physically you want to make sure your are protected. I won’t give you opportunity to just be doing it all in my house lol however I will make sure you go to the doctor and get whats necessary to keep u safe and protected. Mentally, sex can take you on a rollcoaster like you have never been on before. But know I will be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on or when you need a reality check! Lastly spiritually… Soul ties are real!
How do I plan to teach my daughter about sex? Well if not earlier, by the time she turns 15, I will explain to her that I lost my virginity around that time. I will explain to her where I was mentally, and the effects of an STI. I will explain to her the type of infections that women can contract, like bacteria vaginosis, and how women can be more susceptible to disease than men. That’s why it’s important to wait to for the right person. I also just want to reassure her that if she has those desires, that she should be comfortable enough to talk to me about anything.
I want to be as open as possible with my daughter while also being responsible with how I choose to talk to her about sex. I want her to know that she has the right to say no and that sex should happen in the confines of a healthy loving relationship. I want her to know what the Bible says about sex and why it’s worth waiting for, while also sharing my experiences and mistakes I’ve made so she sees me as human. I also don’t believe there’s one big “talk” that’s supposed to happen. It will be an ongoing conversation about sex, love, relationships, body positivity , and other areas of life that involve sex.
Tamara|36|Mom of two
I feel that this generation is so over sexualized from the music, TV and social media. Kids now a day are being programmed to want to engage in sexual activity at a younger age. I plan to tell my daughters that sex is real . It’s a beautiful experience when shared with someone you actually care about. It opens up the doors to a whole lot of things regarding emotions , pregnancy, and STDs. I’ll let them know that the lifestyle they think is “lit” based on what they see on TV, social media or via music is a swindle . Have sex when you’re ready, not because you feel pressured and be safe about it.