“You Find Love When You’re Not Looking For It,” Is Bad Advice, So Stop Staying It

September 12, 2019  |  

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You know what advice single girls hate hearing?

“Love finds you when you work on yourself and aren’t looking for it.”

First of all, most of the single women I know are constantly working on themselves–whether it’s a new career venture, a new hobby, or travel goals, a lot of women are out here killing it in many ways that have nothing to do with love. Second, is not looking for it, at all, wise? We are intentional about everything else we want in life, why not love?

Dating and relationships expert and licensed marriage and family therapist Anita Chlipala told Elite Daily that we can look for love without damaging our chances.

“I’m not saying [finding love this way] can’t happen,” Chlipala explained. “But, do people do this with other things? Do you stop looking for a job, hoping it will find you? Of course not. If you’re dating for marriage, I advise people to be very deliberate and focused on dating because it will be one of the most important decisions of your life.”

Being intentional doesn’t mean clinging to every suitor that smiles your way or takes you on a date, but it does mean making time and space to invite love into your life–and that takes effort! Whether it’s taking time to swipe through dating apps, or following through on coffee dates with potential boos, you still have to do the work.

Relationship expert Susan Winter says that this is the root of the “not looking for it” advice.

“The true message is that we’re far more able to attract love when we’re not frantic, desperate, or needy,” Winter tells Elite Daily.

That relaxed energy of being both open, yet selective, sets the stage for what you want.

“In those moments when we’re being ourselves, comfortable with who we are, and going about our day-to-day business, we’re 100 percent natural,” explains Winter. “No posturing, no guard, no tension, and no games. That’s the moment the right person appears because they’re responding to our authentic selves and an authentic connection is made.”

So don’t tell your friends to “do them” or “stop looking.” Encourage them to meditate and be clear on what they want, make space for what they want, and most importantly, be the person you want to attract.

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