Why Online Dating Is Problematic With Borderline Personality Disorder

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Personally, I think that online dating can bring out some unfortunate behaviors in all of us, even those of us who are typically emotionally stable and mentally strong. But, the very nature of interacting with someone who cannot see you in person right away allows us to be dishonest, unreliable, and even a little manipulative should we choose to be. It’s easy to give into some behaviors of which you aren’t proud. So, for those struggling with mental illness such as borderline personality disorder where every day is already such a battle to avoid destructive behaviors, online dating can be especially problematic. I actually have two very close friends who suffer from borderline personality disorder and occasionally attempt to online date. But, both have found that it seems to trigger their disorder and if they are going to reinforce healthier patterns in themselves, it is best for them to date people within their network, and go out with people they have met in person, perhaps through a friend. Here is how online dating can be problematic for those with borderline personality disorder or BPD.

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It is very easy to cancel

It is easy to cancel on someone when you will not see his face when you do it. It is even easier to cancel on someone when you’ve never even met. All of us are guilty of flaking on online dates, because they did not feel real to begin with.

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It’s worse when you have mood swings

My friend with borderline personality disorder will cancel at the last minute on her online dates often. When one has BPD, the associated mood swings—particularly depressive episodes—can become so bad that they do not want to see anyone and cancel on all of their obligations. The fears around possible disappointment in dating triggered mood swings in my friend, and then since she did not even know the person in the first place, it made it even easier for her to back out of dates at the last minute. She struggles to be reliable even with close friends and family when depression hits, and even more so with strangers from the Internet.

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Hopes can run high

We all get excited about the possibility of new love. When we get that notification that we have a new match, our brains run wild with fantasies of what could be. We read a profile, look at a few photos, and can develop an entire imaginary world in which we are already married to this person. Reading someone’s biography, which is typically flattering, and seeing great photos, can lead to an elevated idea of who somebody is.

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Those with BPD already struggle with delusions

One element of borderline personality disorder is having delusions, and getting ones hopes so high it is actually unhealthy. People with borderline personality disorder already struggle to know the difference between what is real and what is in their heads when they have high hopes for something, which can lead them to have especially fantastical ideas of what things could be with a new love.

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There are a lot of disappointments

Even I, who do not suffer from mental illness, struggled with all of the disappointment that online dating could bring. I would be so excited about a new match, feeling so hopeful because our phone calls went well, that if the date did not go well, my spirits were crushed for a few days. There are a lot of ups and downs with online dating.

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Disappointment is harder on those with BPD

The lows are especially low for those with borderline personality disorder. When their idea of what something could happen is shattered, they can be sent into a depression that is much more severe than it is for many, and very difficult to get out of. Their hopes were so high in the first place, that they fall very far when those hopes are disappointed.

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Access to casual sex

A lot of us use Internet dating as a forum to find casual hookups. That is fine, and if that is what people genuinely want, that is okay. You always have the choice to open up an app, and find someone nearby who is also looking for casual sex.

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Casual sex is a problem for those with BPD

Severe impulsiveness, including impulsiveness towards dangerous behavior, is an issue for those with borderline personality disorder. And it is very common for people with this mental illness to turn to casual sex when they are having an episode, either a manic one or a depressive one. Later, they’ll feel very regretful over those encounters, since they didn’t go into them with a clear head. So having access to that, at their fingertips, can be very enabling for some bad behaviors.

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Access to luxury

Who doesn’t enjoy some luxurious experiences from time to time? And, if you were looking for a certain type of arrangement (translation: the type where you provide company and you receive monetary gifts), you can find it online. Sugar daddies are waiting and available online.

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BPD and over-spending go hand in hand

Another thing those with borderline personality disorder struggle with is compulsive spending. They will often go into spirals of spending too much money in order to perhaps avoid a depressive episode or in the height of a manic episode. If someone with this disorder doesn’t have access to money, they can still participate in that behavior by going online and finding someone who does. So in this way, online dating again enables destructive behavior.

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We can be whoever we want online

We can create an entire identity for ourselves online. Even those of us who are confident in ourselves smudge the facts a little bit with online dating. We choose the most flattering photos, even if we don’t always look like that. We exaggerate how much we actually like reading or hiking. We want to put our best foot forward. And we can, because it is the Internet, and nobody is checking us.

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BPD already causes an identity crisis

As mentioned before, those with BPD already can struggle with differentiating between reality and fantasy. It is a slippery slope for them to be able to edit and curate their image online. It can get out of hand, and then they can actually begin to believe that their false online identity is their real identity.

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Those with BPD don’t need one more compulsive behavior

One trait of BPD is diving deep into an obsession or an addiction as a way of avoiding negative emotions. The simple act of looking through matches and talking to strangers online can become the new compulsive behavior for individuals with borderline personality disorder. They may not even be looking for a relationship. They just want to look at matches online as an escape from reality.

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The Internet doesn’t hold us accountable

If you do suffer from borderline personality disorder, and you are working on holding yourself more accountable for the destructive behaviors that come with it, online dating may not be the healthiest activity for you right now. Considering that even mentally healthy individuals do unhealthy things online, it can be especially triggering for those with mental illness.