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Let me start this out by saying I love being an Auntie. I have some nieces and nephews, and given the fact that I don’t have my own kids yet, watching them grow and being able to contribute wisdom, lessons and gifts to their little lives brings me a lot of joy. I know a lot of men who feel the same way about being Uncles. Being close to kids who aren’t your own gives you unique proximity to parenthood without being a parent. It’s all the joy with only an ounce of the burden.
But recently I’ve been noticing a trend in my conversations with single women I know who are actively trying to date men and start families–they run into issues when potential suitors consider being an Uncle the number one priority over investing in their own families.
On one hand, this isn’t a bad thing. I can see this dynamic originating from the current state of Black families in general. A lot of women are single moms, and in the absence of a supportive partner, brothers often step into the pseudo-father role to offer assistance. This isn’t a criticism, I admire it. It’s noble to lend financial and emotional help to your sister or brother and extended family because frankly, it takes a village.
But I do think there may be underlying reasons why men, who are financially well off and single and “love” kids, choose to put more time and effort into their sibling’s kids versus actually doing the work of building their own family.
I believe there is something addicting about being fatherhood adjacent without any of the real responsibility. It’s become quite common for single men in their mid-thirties to be somewhat emotionally straddled between being single forever out of anxiety around partnering or starting a family that requires their full dedication. The lull of the grey area keeps them committed to being “the best Uncle” ever as they haphazardly date women, a solution that appeases both their desire for female companionship and their desire for fatherhood.
There are so many factors that go into relationship “readiness,” and if the guy you’re dating continually uses his siblings or his nieces and nephews as a reason he can’t spend time with you, grow with you, travel with you or communicate with you, he probably isn’t ready to cut the chord. This isn’t a jab at the way he has decided to live his life, but it is information you need before you invest too many of your thoughts and emotions into this man.
Yes, being a dedicated Uncle could give you clues into the type of father he could be, but it could also show you that “Uncle,” is as far as he’s willing to go at this point.
