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I am not an advocate for dating any man just because he’s nice to you. “Nice” is the bare minimum when it comes to relationship compatibility, and I don’t think any woman owes a man her attention just because he consistently does sweet things. But I will say that when we have been in continuously unhealthy or abusive relationships, and the thought of someone “too nice” or “too considerate” completely turns you off or makes you downright sick…you have to consider where that’s coming from.
According to Dr Amir Levine, author of Attached, based on how we were treated by family members or past lovers, we develop attachment styles that can shape who we are attracted to. He outlines the three attachment styles as anxious, avoidant or secure.
Here’s is how Levine outlines the three attachment styles, according to a Vice report.
Secure: feels comfortable with intimacy and are warm and loving.
Anxious: craves intimacy, often preoccupied with relationships and longs to get closer with their partner.
Avoidant: equates intimacy with loss of independence, distancing self, the idea that something better is around the corner.
For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, someone who is secure may turn you off. It will feel like something is “wrong” because they are not distant or inconsistent.
“Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love,” Levine wrote, “you conclude that this can’t be ‘the one’ because something is missing, for some reason no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference, and because of this fallacy you may let the perfect person pass you by.”
So while it takes self-awareness and work with a therapist to really sort out why people who are potentially good for you “gross you out,” it’s not impossible to resolve.
Next time you feel a little nauseous from just kind behavior, it’s worth considering, why?
