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Bring up the hot-button topic of interracial relationships and you may as well be settling in for a great debate. Swirling brings up a lot of feelings for many people–even when they aren’t involved in this type of relationship themselves. Opinions, assumptions, and projections fly like fireworks, setting off potentially explosive arguments.

Recently, saw some of the shine on Michael B Jordan’s star get smudged as he answered for surrounding himself with white women during his trip to Italy, which is country in Europe–a land overflowing with white people. His characterization of women as different flavors of milk was perplexing and borderline icky, but nevertheless that was his comparison of choice to explain that he likes all women (Black women included). Despite the fact that his rumored boo is a non-Black woman, MBJ’s insisted many times over that he doesn’t have a preference. The company he kept during his adventures in Italy didn’t exactly help make that case, and Black women expressed some disappointment accordingly. Similarly, when Winston Duke thanked Black women for helping him to appreciate his features, it was met with accusations of pandering.

Conversely, when Meghan Markle married Prince Harry, a bunch of Black girls across the globe (myself included) were perched in front of their screens to watch the occasion. Had Serena Williams’ wedding with Alexis Ohanian been broadcast live, we probably would have been watching that just as intently–if not more so. When Samira Wiley married her White wife, we gushed at her wedding pictures. It’s easy to see the reactions from Black women for these scenarios was not equal, but this is nothing new.

Before we get much further, it needs to be noted that the majority of Black men and women still date and marry one another –75% to be exact, as of 2015. No matter what you may see on TV, in movies, or on social media, Black love is still alive and well. It is rich and flourishing like edges that have been blessed with Jamaican black castor oil. That said, Black love doesn’t happen for all of us. If you’re not trying to be #ForeverAlone, then getting with someone of a different race is an alternative.

When we know that a Black woman is involved with someone of a different race, the revelation is more often than not met with curiosity and celebration. Of course, there is a tinge of shade and a dash of side-eye, but it’s generally an “okay” reaction. When a Black man does it, however, let’s just say that it does not get the same congratulatory tone from the women of the Black delegation.

It is hard not to notice that the responses can be quite varied when we talk about Black men and Black women involved in interracial relationships. We may not like to acknowledge it, but as Black women we often react differently based on which gender bares the brown skin in a multi-ethnic coupling. And I think that happens for a number of reasons. Mind you, I can’t really speak on Black men’s reactions to interracial relationships because I am not a Black man, but here’s what I think is going on with us.

First, I think Black women are more lenient with each other because we can identify with other Black women. That familiarity of experience allows us to be more generous and empathetic with one another. If we see a Black woman with a non-Black man, we’re less likely to assume that she is dating him because she does not care for Black men. If anything, Black women are fiercely loyal to them. We are almost expected to prove our love, respect, and reverence for Black men on a near-daily basis. We are expected to praise and lift Black men up at all times. We are expected to be protective of them even above our own well-being. There’s nothing wrong with that solidarity (when returned in kind), but it shouldn’t hold sway over our dating options.

Some Black women are willing to wait their entire lives in singledom to secure a Black partner. They would rather be alone than date interracially. That’s completely their choice, and I can’t blame them for wanting a partner that looks like them. Given the current state of race relations and the political climate, it is easier, if not more comforting, to have a partner that can identify with your experiences as a Black person. Besides, if Black men exclusively rock your world, have at it –not that anyone needs my permission or anyone else’s.

On that note, I will say that it’s almost like Black women need to feel as if they have been given license to date out before they are comfortable enough to do so. In fact, whole books have been dedicated to making a case for Black women to date non-black prospects.  When we do venture out, we can,at first, be made to feel as though we have betrayed Black men, and thus the entire Black community. Black women understand that there is a level of social risk involved when we do it. Keeping that in mind, when we see one of our girls dating interracially, we know that it was not a decision that she made lightly. It may even be in spite of her love for Black men.

Of course, that’s not the case for all Black women, though. Some frame interracial dating as the panacea to their dating woes. It’s a pretty flimsy line of logic that borders on fetishization. I would caution Black women against that type of thinking because then you’re not looking at a partner for their character, but their color. But that approach does give us some insight into why we react differently to Black men dating out.

For Black women, I think the reason that we bristle at Black men dating interracially is because we see it as rejection. While Black women are almost required to demonstrate their loyalty to Black men, the same cannot generally be said for Black men who date or marry out. That decision is often credited to shortcomings that they perceive Black women to have. Instead of centering conversations about their romantic preferences on what they want and what they like individually, their reasoning is often blamed on us. The choice to be with non-Black women, therefore, is framed as a consequence. And the onus rests on our shoulders.

Aside from that, it appears that Black men are only as loyal to Black women as their options allow them to be. We’ve seen time and time again that when a Black man reaches a certain of level of success or elevates into a certain tax bracket, he leaves Black women in the dust. Whether they dumped the Black woman that helped them along the way to greatness, or whether they no longer consider Black women among their options, it’s hard not to notice that Black women are no longer on his arm.

In a world where we are constantly reminded that we are not the standard of beauty, to see a Black man in a mixed coupling feels like he’s bought into the hype. Those concerns are confirmed when Black men opine about the beauty of non-Black women (sometimes in direct comparison to Black women). Moreover, when Black men praise non-Black women for qualities they criticized Black women for having, it defies logic.

I’m not saying that this is what all Black men do when they get with non-Black women, but this is what is observable to Black women. For many of us, that perception is the reality. It informs a lot about why we react so differently to Black men getting involved in interracial relationships versus when Black women do it. We’re all on the outside looking in when it comes to people’s private relationships. We can’t possibly know the reasons and conditions under which two people come together. However, when observing the attitudes towards these couplings, I think the differences come to do a matter of proximity and how closely we can identify with the Black person in the equation.

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