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Black women are amazing and I don’t think that can ever be overstated. You ladies are born with the inherent burden of being a woman and then being Black on top of that, yet your resilience is well documented. It has manifested itself, most recently, with statistics showing that Black women are the most educated group of women in the world. I tip my hat to you ladies and I don’t think that’s any small feat.

This success, as many other successes, does come with a price, however. Romantically, along with many other things, it can handicap women –a topic Arah Iloabugichuwu expertly discussed here yesterday. She believes that Black men aren’t leaders in the household financially because Black women allow men to stay stagnate. With Black women having more education than their male counterparts, she cites that Black women can command more earning power. This results in a more contemporary dynamic of Black women earning significantly more than Black men on average.

I cannot refute these facts. It’s sort of is an “it is what it is” type of scenario in the current landscape. But what I can say is that with all of these statistics, there are always confounding variables. For instance, I’m a lifelong New Yorker. Not contrary to popular belief, New York is expensive as all hell. Splitting expenses in the household many times is a very common thing. I don’t think many women in this city are necessarily thinking, “my dude isn’t providing,” when they go half on the rent every month. I think both parties are seeing themselves work towards a specific goal as they try to manage the financial rigors that New York affords. I understand that when these statistics are compiled, they aren’t solely focused on this city, but I need to point out that in some geographic regions, splitting household expenses is simply the most prudent option for folks.

Nevertheless, discussing incomes in relationships is difficult and these conversations don’t resolve much if they don’t take into consideration variations in earning power that exist across different vocations. For instance, if you’re dating an artist, or someone in social services with a salary that doesn’t equate to your pay grade is that an indictment on that man’s desire to provide? There’s such a fine line between working in your field of passion and making sure your bills are paid and you have enough left over to save, let alone provide for another being.

Everyone has different philosophies on how you should earn your way in this life. Some folks are blessed with entrepreneurial spirits and are fulfilled through their professional endeavors. There are others who are big on creating residual incomes so that one day they don’t have to go to work everyday to earn a living. And then there are some folks who see a job as a job and that’s it. The chasm here is that you may find yourself involved with someone who has a different philosophy when it comes to making, spending, and saving money. As highlighted in the aforementioned piece, Black women are known to ride for Black men. So even when it’s obvious the man they’re involved with doesn’t share their same ideals about earning and providing, they may hold on too long –and to a fault. Sometimes they settle; that’s the unfortunate reality. But another reality is that the guy they are looking for still exists. I guarantee there is a guy out there who shares your same views on how a man should lead and provide. Your job is to not lose sight of him when the man offering 50/50 or less shows up.

As Black men, we can definitely do better. We can be more responsible, more responsive, and more sensitive to the struggles of our women. In the same token, if you as a woman see yourself in a relationship that isn’t benefiting you, no one is keeping you there (barring any threats). The idea, at least to me, is to be with someone who shares your views more often than not. You’re not letting a Black man down by leaving him. You’re taking control of your life, and your emotional vitality is of paramount importance. You can even look at things from this perspective: Maybe leaving the man you’re with is an opportunity to ride for the right Black man.

Women may allow men to be contributors, but that’s only until the provider arrives. Allow yourself to be available to him. Once you do, you can’t ever argue with the results.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

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