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Though you may not want to admit it, at some point in time you have Google’d a date’s name, gone through your boyfriend’s clothes drawer, or taken a quick look through his Facebook messages when he accidentally left himself signed in on your computer. To most people, this is definitely considered snooping. The act alone stands as one of the most controversial in the dating world. But, in the end, no matter if you find it right or wrong, if you’re going to snoop, there are some definite do’s and dont’s.

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We’ve all been there. Your man gets up to use the bathroom and he leaves his cell behind. He’s been acting a little suspect lately and you have your suspicions. A text message beeps its way onto his cell screen. This could be your chance to discover what’s really going on. What do you do? Do you ask who the text is from upfront or do you just…SNOOP?

It’s tempting to look and most of us are curious when it comes to our partner’s private lives, especially if he or she isn’t open about their emotions and we’re feeling insecure. Nowadays, there are so many ways to snoop that tempt us: cell phone text messages, IMs, call logs, social media and voice-mail hacking, email messages that you can even mark “unread” after you’ve opened them and the list goes on and on.

What, if anything, stops you?

Respect, trust and intimacy – that’s what should stop you. These are all crucial to a healthy relationship. But sometimes, it’s hard to suppress our wish to know everything about our sweetie while respecting each other’s right to personal space and privacy. The funny thing is, trust and intimacy can create the perfect snooping environment – like being left alone in your partner’s place. He trusts you.  Are you willing to jeopardize that aspects of your relationship? You should also think about how you’d feel if you discovered your partner had been going through your things. Would you care? Be offended? Think about that before you decide to cross that line.

Now some people don’t think of it as invading someone’s privacy if they have a “feeling.” You know, that gut instinct telling you something’s not right. Is it then your intuition that made you intrude and does that make it okay? What if you accept that going through his phone is an invasion of privacy but you strongly suspect your partner of cheating? You want concrete evidence (because they’re not telling you the truth), so is snooping a justified way to back up what your sixth sense is telling you?

Some men and women have no problem letting their partner know that they went through their phone, read their emails and that they don’t trust them. If you’re willing to out yourself and confront him or her about what you find, then be prepared for the flip (meaning he may be guilty, but so are YOU for going through his or her stuff) and the possibility of being called crazy and losing your relationsship. Also, as the snooper, you need to have a plan in place (whether that be to end the relationship yourself or something else) once you get the confirmation you needed. If you’re not going to take action, then why bother snooping in the first place?

Also, if your gut is telling you something is wrong, chances are you’re right and you probably don’t need the proof. But if there really is no “gut feeling” and you’re just an insecure person by nature because of trust issues you’ve had in past relationships, you should seek help. If you snoop for no good reason, your insecurities will ensure that you’ll find something you wished you hadn’t – whether it’s really “evidence” or not. Even if the discovery is relatively harmless, it can still hurt because your mind can and will play tricks on you. That text from a girl could be his cousin but because you already think he’s cheating on you, you’ll jump to conclusions and get your feelings hurt. Snooping isn’t worth your peace of mind…it’ll just make you crazy – and it’ll show in your behavior. Insecurity is not attractive.

And keep in mind, sometimes, your lack of trust will be reciprocated by your man/woman because they’ll assume that the reason you don’t trust him or her is because you’re guilty of something yourself. Most liars and cheaters are paranoid by nature…because they’re doing dirt themselves. .

If you are a serial snooper, you may be going through your significant other’s things as a way of avoiding real communication and a discussion about trust. When you are first tempted to rummage through everything, use it as a warning sign in your relationship and ask yourself some questions:

Do I trust him/her?
Do I feel safe with him/her?
Do I tell him/her about my feelings of insecurity?

A discussion of these issues with your partner or with a close friend can remove the need to snoop. If you’re too nervous to raise any these issues because you’re afraid your partner will react negatively, it’s likely that you are putting off the inevitable for fear of facing the truth and ending a relationship. Be brave – ask yourself the questions and be honest about the answers. There’s nothing wrong with putting your concerns out there and simply talking it through. A lot of times the confusion comes when you don’t know where you stand with someone or the relationship doesn’t seem to have a “label” on it. Snooping through someone’s stuff may seem like a solution to finding out all of your partner’s secrets, but it’ll only satisfy your immediate need and it’s a short-term solution. Once you start snooping, even after all has been laid out on the table, it’s hard to stop – and you’ll always be focused on what you FIND rather than addressing the real issue of trust in the relationship. Don’t make yourself and your partner crazy – communicate more so you can feel insecure less.

But if you just have to snoop and the urge overwhelms you and you find yourself rummaging in places you shouldn’t, make sure it’s worth all the aggravation. If you find what you “need,” use it and move on so that you conscience is clear. If you’re not ready to do that, stop trying to figure out the password to his computer or phone. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

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From Essence

I never believe anyone who says, “I don’t have a jealous bone in my body.” Everyone has experienced some form of jealousy in life, whether it is amongst siblings, friends or even successful people we don’t know. Experiencing jealousy, however, does not make you a jealous person.

My sister-friend has been dating a guy for two months and it has been going great. So much so, she was pretty sure she was ready to take it to the next level with him. Two weeks ago, we were having lunch and she was constantly wondering what he was doing while he was out of town. If he took too long to return a text, she’d repeatedly check her messages and then ultimately send new text messages until he responded.

Four days ago, the guy suggested that they take a break after he caught her going through his phone following a night out where she’d questioned him about every woman to whom he spoke. Infidelity in my sister-friend’s past relationships was one part of the reason she was acting this way. The larger issue was that her insecurities were running rampant and because she really liked this guy she was afraid of losing him. Ironically, her own jealous actions lost him faster than another woman ever could.

Read more at Essence.com

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Let’s face it, the pickings are slim out there. There is no such thing as a perfect man, and you’ve managed to find one who has about 75% of what you prefer in a perfect mate on your “check list.” But what about those irritating little things that make up the other 25% of what drives you crazy? You hate that you love him so much…so much that you overlook some things that other women might dismiss a man over. If you’re a stickler for the perfect guy, give him a break and turn a blind eye to these minor indiscretions that are totally forgivable.

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I consider myself a pretty secure person in relationships–I’m sure that’s how all crazy, non-secure lunatics start off a conversation on jealousy–I hide my insecurities well. I’ve always been very proud of the fact that I’ve never rifled through a partner’s pockets, phone, mail and/or other property. But the other day, I became one of those chicks who does. As I played Angry Birds on my boyfriend’s out-of-commission cell phone, I couldn’t help but wonder, what’s stored in here?

I wasn’t snooping in my mind, because he’d been very aware that I had his phone. I was just curious. Curious about what you ask? I’m still not too sure, but as I closed out of Angry Birds and scrolled over to the messages icon. The sane, non-jealous, secure, composed girl lost the battle and a green-eyed monster slithered out and took over. There I sat in his company, about to go there, unsure of what I was looking for.

So when the first thing I saw was an adoring text message from a girl or woman with a silly name, I couldn’t contain myself. There they were in black and white; a slew of text messages from the same woman!  Another woman, addressing my boyfriend with the same terms of endearment I do. My heart sank as I read the messages. I don’t know how to react in these situations, as I’ve heard the stories a couple of times from different girlfriends about the moment you find some ish and the immediate reaction after. But everything I had heard before just didn’t compare to this in my twisted mind, because to me, this was worse since it was happening to me. I wanted to throw the cellphone at his smiling, unaware face, but I couldn’t and I had no grounds to. The messages were two years old!

Yes, you read that right. After the third scan over the messages and remaining completely calm or what I thought was calm in front of my boyfriend, the monster composed herself long enough to read the whole message; including the send and receive dates. However, this isn’t about the relief this revelation gave me, instead it’s about the pangs of jealousy that I, the supposed non-jealous, supposedly sane girl, still felt after finding out there was no reason to be mad.

Who was/is this girl? Did he really care about someone else besides myself ever in his life?! Believe me, I know how absurd and irrational this all sounds, but it’s all true. Once I opened Pandora’s Box, in my mind, all hell started to break loose. Surely I’d been in relationships before, I felt strongly once about another and thought I was in love  before we were together, and that was fine because it’s in the past. Then why was it hard to deal with what I was reading? I wasn’t on the brink of tears, but I must admit it stung a bit. Then it dawned on me: THIS is why I don’t do this! By snooping, I’m only looking to smack myself really hard and create insecurities that aren’t necessary. That’s always been my belief and my step over to the dark side was confirmation of that. So a word of caution to you, ladies: I’m not saying don’t look for things that you don’t want to find, but then again, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

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Most people fight the urge to snoop through their partner’s personal things because it’s a breach of trust in the relationship, but snooping can also wreak havoc on your health according to a recent MSNBC report. The mental strain of agonizing over what your partner may or may not be doing is bad enough, but that stress can also cause negative physical effects, like:

Weight Gain

It may sound crazy at first, but when you think of all the stressing you do when you’re just considering checking your man’s phone or breaking into his email account, it’s not surprising that snooping can lead to emotional overeating and cause you to pack on the pounds—especially if you find something that confirms your suspicions. Stress also triggers production of cortisol, a hormone that interferes with the action of the appetite-regulating hormone leptin when it’s present in increased amounts. This can lead to an increase in appetite–and more food on your plate.

Insomnia

We all know replaying a series of “what if” situations through our heads has kept us tossing and turning throughout the night on more than one occasion. The possibilities we conjure up in our heads are often worse than the reality, which is why Lisa Brateman, a Manhattan-based psychotherapist, suggests talking honestly with the person you’re prone to snoop on. When people ask questions instead of snooping there is a level of respect in the relationship that lets you relax and get to the underlying issue, Brateman says. “We can deal with what we know about head-on.” So instead of sneaking peaks at his text messages when your man runs to the bathroom, just ask him what the deal is outright.

Impaired Brain Function

Snooping also brings on the fight-or-flight response, increasing levels of adrenaline and cortisol in the body. Blood rushes to the major organs and extremities, leaving less for the frontal lobe which is the part of the brain that’s responsible for memory, problem solving, and judgment calls.

Dawn Billings, a psychotherapist in Orange City, FL, says you should ask three questions to ground yourself before tapping into that twitter account:

1. Why do I have this need to snoop?
2. How would I damage my relationship with the person I am snooping on if I were caught?
3. Am I harming, violating, or breaking someone’s trust by snooping?

I suppose on the other hand you could ask, who cares, if you suspect the other person has already violated your trust. But once you snoop, you can never go back (if you get caught).

Are you a snooper? Has snooping ever taken a toll on your health?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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by Quierra Davis Martin

To snoop, or not to…..

In my book The Mean Girls Handbook of Etiquette my co-author and I have a chapter named after a song Kayne West has called “paranoid.” In the song he says “why are you so paranoid, you worry about the wrong things, wrong things.” Every woman is guilty of becoming paranoid in her relationship every now and then which leads us to snooping. Some will say its disrespectful and a complete violation of privacy while others will say a woman is completely stupid and naïve not to check up on her man every now and then.

Now it’s been proven that when a person snoops, things will appear more than what they actually are. This is because of the intent behind your search. I know women with faithful husbands who have never cheated that still check for things anyway. Is this wrong? Should we not be snooping? Or is it okay every once in awhile?

I have a close friend who’s been married for 6 years and says she’s never snooped through her husband’s phone or pockets. Her reason is because “if he is cheating” she’d rather not know. She went on to say that if she ended up finding something she would most likely still stay married to him so why allow her curiosity to hurt her or her happy relationship. I found this to be pretty deep.

I’ve always thought that the main goal of snooping was to find something on your man so that you can bust him out and kick him to the curb! Unfortunately I’m finding that an astonishing number of women snoop and usually keep it to themselves. In this case, what really is the point? Seems like silent torture if you ask me. You’re looking for things, you find them and you say nothing. Most women even get attitudes with their man and won’t even tell him why. I see this all the time. It’s almost as if a woman really would like to know but really doesn’t want to do much about it once she finds out. In this case I say save yourself the torture. All you’re doing is making yourself feel worse and making life miserable for a man who deserves to know why his woman seems resentful all the time.

On the flip side you have women who snoop and quickly confront their man which usually leads to a break up. In this case there is good reason behind it. A woman probably had been sensing something the entire time and her intuition led her to a confirmation by snooping. This type of woman knows what she wants and is usually a no nonsense type. She found what she felt was there all along. She’s now ready to get out of the relationship and move on with her life. There’s simply no sense in snooping, finding out your man is cheating and doing nothing about it. This is completely counterproductive.

Honestly, my philosophy is what is done in the dark will naturally come to light. The famous quote “seek and ye shall find” applies as well. I feel if you ever get to the point where you feel like snooping, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship. When that urge starts to come it usually means you’re already suspecting something. Unless as Kanye said, you could just be paranoid.

From the desk of Dr. Phoenyx:

Let me jump right in by confessing that I have snooped. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. Why? Because in EVERY snooping case, I have discovered exactly what I sensed- deception. I have confirmed a past lover’s unfaithfulness or general deceptiveness, and snooping gave me the ammunition I needed to “pull the trigger” on the relationship. I haven’t snooped on every ex. But when I dealt with someone that caused that little voice in my head to whisper “something ain’t right here girl,” I did take it upon myself to check things out. And you know what? I do not feel the least bit guilty for it. I listened to my intuition and it never steered me wrong.

I’ve always found it interesting when folks give advice like: “You shouldn’t snoop. You should just talk to them. And if your partner says they’re not cheating/lying, just drop the issue. You’re probably just being insecure or paranoid. And even if they are cheating/lying, you still shouldn’t snoop. Eventually the truth will come to light anyway.”

Really?! As far as I’m concerned, that’s absolutely ludicrous. And I would never give someone I cared about that kind of advice. In this day and age, the risks are too high for a woman to just “wait for the truth to come to light.”

I’ve observed some men that have taken lying and cheating to a level that is worthy of a psychological case study.  And as I’ve gotten older I have come to accept that some men do lack that “morality chip.” Some don’t always behave the way that they should, and leave you with no other option but to snoop. For example, a close girlfriend of mine once shared that her fiancé started disappearing for hours at a time and not picking up her calls. Her gut told her something was up. So she decided to do the “adult” thing and confront him. She asked him directly: “Are you cheating?” And he responded: “No babe. That’s ‘crazy’. I love you. I’d never do that.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Have you ever spied on your man?  Have you ever snooped through his emails, checked his text messages, scrolled through his cell phone call history, scrolled through his laptop’s browser history, or rummaged through his laundry? Maybe you’ve followed him in your car- or even sat outside his house to see who’s coming in and out? Yes, this list may seem familiar to the “average snooper.” But it’s just the tip of iceberg. We haven’t even gotten into the more “elite” snooper’s arsenal of computer spyware or voice activated bugging devices.

It seems that playing Sherlock Homegirl is now becoming a very common practice among today’s women in dating and married relationships. In fact, in a recent, study more than a third of women surveyed (33%) admitted to checking a boyfriend’s email or call history on the sly. And if you guessed the desire to snoop would be less among spouses, you’d be wrong. It was also found that slightly more married couples snoop on their spouses- 37% to be exact. Furthermore, the number of women that reported snooping on their partner’s has actually risen.

But why is this so? Is it because snooping is just in a woman’s DNA- or is it because men give us a reason to spy on them? The reasons vary from case to case. But from personal observation I’ve found that the top five reasons why women snoop on their men are:

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Just because you’re not riding past someone’s house in an unmarked car doesn’t mean you aren’t snooping. The abundance of information available on the internet and your own personal thirstiness will have you thinking that your behavior is not stalkerish. You may be wrong. If you see yourself in one of these signs it may be time to reevaluate.