All Articles Tagged "relationship questions"
How many times have you sat down to set up an online dating profile and found that your fingers were frozen in fear? Before you so much as fill out your first name and the city in which you live, your brain is filled with horrific scenarios. You think of all the ways things could go wrong, before you even consider the ways things could go very right. If you’re someone who struggles with social anxiety, or you’re slightly insecure, it’s easy to let irrational fears dictate your life. I don’t say your fears are irrational because they won’t happen—in fact, they very well might happen!—I say they are irrational because they are not good reasons to not pursue your own happiness. They’re irrational because they won’t kill you, and yet because of them, you’re not really living. Here are 15 anxious thoughts that are ruining your love life.
As much as the “strong-Black-woman-who-don’t-need-no-man” trope has been shoved down our throats, I don’t need to see her again. But I also know that she exists partially because there are a select few women who willingly and intentionally project this image for the world to see; even if, at the end of the day, they’re more nuanced and complex than this.
Almost a year ago, I was having dinner with one such woman, talking about relationships and how we all wanted to be in one, when the check came. This triggered her memory and she jumped into a story that still seemed to have her fuming.
“What do y’all think about this? The other day I was in a cab with a coworker and her boyfriend. And once we’d arrived at our destination, she pulled out some bills, handed them to her man and he paid the fare.”
My friend thought the action was weird. “I was like, does she owe him money? Had they had a conversation beforehand? Why didn’t she just hand the money to the driver?”
When her man went to the restroom, my coworker swooped in with her question.
“Why did you hand him the money instead of just giving it directly to the driver?”
The coworker said, “I just don’t want to emasculate him in any way. I want him to feel like a man.”
My friend’s face held a scowl as she concluded her story.
“This is the problem with men. Everything threatens their masculinity. If this is what it takes for a man to feel like a man, then I guess I’ll die single. Does it really matter whose money it is as long as somebody in the car can pay for the fare?”
I listened to the conversation quietly, raising my eyebrows.
I understood her and agreed. Masculinity is easily threatened and I certainly couldn’t see myself doing this for a man. If I happen to pick up the check or bill this time, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to be in any type of relationship where I’m always picking up the tab. And if a store clerk, taxi driver, customer service personnel or any other outsider believes this to be so, that’s on them. They don’t really know me and it’s really none of their business. So I don’t see the need to front.
But on the other hand, I’d witnessed women in my own family, including my own mother, do this when they found themselves in similar situations. The only difference is that these women are married. So perhaps they didn’t want people harshly judging their spouses or hypothesizing about the state of their marriage based on one transaction.
What I do know is that men are judged when a woman is seen paying for something, while she’s in their company.
Just a couple of months ago, my boyfriend and I were at the bodega buying snacks. And since he’s always spending money on me, the absolute least I could do that evening was buy some chips and juice. We got to the register when my boyfriend was saying he wanted a different type of snack than the one he’d already selected. Ready to go, I half-playfully told him to just roll with what we had and keep it moving. And he playfully went into a diatribe about why this type of chip was better than the other. Whether out of irritation, impatience or a snap judgment made about our situation, the cashier said, “Man, just get what she says. She’s the one paying for it.”
He said it with a smile and a glare. I don’t think it was said with the intent to scold or belittle my boyfriend. The bodega is near my apartment so his loyalty is to me. But still, the fact that he felt the need to comment on who was paying for something as simple as a snack was interesting to me. Furthermore, the notion that my boyfriend shouldn’t have a voice because I was paying for it was even more intriguing. Did that then mean that when a man pays for something for a woman, she doesn’t have the right to disagree or suggest something else?
This chip and juice run had turned into a lesson in gender roles.
Truth be told, the comments gave both me and my boyfriend pause. I didn’t explain to the store clerk how dude spends exponentially more on me and us than I do because that’s none of his business. Secondly, if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s for someone to count me or my people’s money.
But the whole interaction did make me think about my mother and the women in my own family who had gone out of their way to give off the appearance that their man was the one with the cash.
When I asked my mother about this practice of hers, she simply said, “Listen, that’s my husband and I love him. I don’t do anything because he’s asked me to or out of obligation. But if I can keep him from being embarrassed in public, then I’ll always do that.”
She’s ride or die apparently.
I can’t say whether or not I’ll be following in her footsteps. I’m not married and I don’t want to feel burdened by the judgments of others but there is something to be said about making sure the unit looks good in these streets. Still, I come from a different era than my parents. And I would like to know that my man won’t feel a way if he’s judged critically by those who are completely ignorant to the financial matters of our relationship.
So ladies, what do you think about this. Would you hand your man your money to pay the bill in public, just so he can save face?
Personally, I’m still scarred from the day Chrissy proposed to Jim Jones in front of her friends and his family. In case you forgot, Chrissy took the stage, grabbed a microphone and crouched down as she asked her longtime boyfriend, rapper Jim Jones to marry her. She opened the ring box and Jimmy smiled before saying, “I’m with you.”
Not “yes, I’ll marry you.”
“I’m with you.”
Three years, Jimmy is still with Chrissy; but as far as we know, the two still aren’t married.
I still cringe thinking about that reality tv moment. And even though I had never considered proposing to a man, I promised myself that that would nevah be me.
This week you may have seen the viral image of a woman, down on bended knee proposing to her man.
We don’t know anything about the couple. We just see the picture and know it’s being reported as a proposal. And once again, the question of women proposing to men came to the forefront of social discussion.
These days, I’ve evolved a little bit. I decided that the only way I would propose to a man is if he proposed to me first and I said no. If we stayed together, the next time around I would ask him. Just so he knows I’m ready.
In this day in age, with shifting gender roles and people feeling comfortable in expressing their true thoughts and desires, I don’t see a problem with women asking men to marry them. Still, I’m forever cool on that getting down on one knee part. Women are placed in lower, subservient positions everyday in society, no need for all of that in a loving relationship. But if a woman feels like that’s what she has to do (and she’s sure her man will say yes and actually follow through with a wedding), then do you boo boo.
I have to admit that there is something a little off putting about a woman always being the one waiting for a man to make a decision that will ultimately impact both of their lives equally.
What do you think about women proposing to men? Is it something you could see yourself doing in a relationship?
I have been in a relationship with and Indian/Muslim man for three years, this month. We’ve been engaged for about a year and a half. His family says they will cut him off if we marry. I’ve spoken to his sister and met his best friend. Now, he’s going to the army so he can get his green card and have no worries about money if his family cuts him off. My question is, do I stay? I love him very much and we’re always together, outings, vacations. He was also there with my everyday of my surgery. I just want your opinion. What do you think? Is this a bad omen going into a new marriage?
– Am I Tripping?
Dear Am I Tripping,
So, this guy is so committed to you that he…
1. Proposed to you
2. Is preparing to spend the rest of his life with you, even if this means cutting off his family
3. Is practical about what might happen if his family cuts him off, so took proactive steps to make sure he’ll be able to make a living in America
4. Supported you through your surgery
…and you’re asking if this is a bad omen? Is this a trick question? Am I being punked or something? If so, good job. You got me. If not, well, let me say this. There’s a difference being saying “You’re the most important person in my life”…and proving it. This man is proving it.
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.
Shanetta: Hi Damon, I know it’s pretty common to hear about women who have a child with a man and can’t let them go afterwards but in my case, the roles are reversed. Between the constant strolls down memory lane, flirting, attitudes whenever I get male attention and the infamous weekly declarations of his love and desire to be with me, (literally almost every week since I became pregnant 3 years ago), it takes a toll. Now the problem is, the day I took the test, he left, packed his things and told me to get an abortion. I didn’t hear from him again until about 2 weeks later. By then, my trust in him was completely destroyed. So finally, my question is, is the fear of becoming a father THAT real to make you leave the one you supposedly love? Also, what do I do when a man goes above and beyond to prove his love for me, but rarely acknowledges our child without my pushing him to do so?
DY: Whether it’s because of nerves, anxiety, or just plain fear, it’s not extremely uncommon for men to freak out about a pregnancy. Of course, not all men do this. In fact, most don’t. But some hear that news and just don’t know how to handle it.
But, there’s a difference between “freaking out” and “breaking up with your girl and telling her to abort the child.” That’s just insane. And badgering you about getting together — while at the same time ignoring his child — takes the insanity to another level. At this point, you just need to tell him that while you’ll need his help in raising your child, the romantic relationship ship has sailed. One baby is enough. No need to be raising two.
I’m something like a match-maker/event planner. And I’m organizing this speed dating event where I’m inviting a set group of men and women. To make sure that we get the right caliber of people I’ve had the men fill out a short questionnaire that asks basic questions. One of them is age. Interestingly, I’m coming across quite a few men who don’t want to share their age…which is odd to me.
I’ve stumbled across this in the past and I’ve even asked one guy why he didn’t want to share. He said because when you tell people your age they start labeling.
Who knows…the whole thing just seems weird to me. I mean, I don’t even know a whole lot of women who follow the ‘don’t tell your age’ rule these days. What do you think about this?
What do they have to hide?
Dear What Do They Have To Hide,
Last year, Iowa State point guard DeAndre Kane was one of the best and most electrifying players in NCAA basketball. He was first team All-Conference, third team All-American, and seemed to have the size and skillset that would make him attractive to NBA teams. But, when the NBA draft came around, Kane went undrafted. Why? Well, there are a few reasons you could cite for that, but it ultimately came down to one thing: His age. He was a 23-year-old college senior (and 24 the day of the draft). This might not seem that old, but, when it comes to college basketball today, it’s practically ancient, because most of the best players are already in the NBA by that age.
Basically, Kane was a full-grown man playing against 18 and 19-year-olds. When you factored in his age, his accomplishments just weren’t as impressive.
Although this was a basketball example, it translates to the real world as well. Whether fair or not, age is a consideration when judging a person’s accomplishments, goals, and trajectory. A 25-year-old living at home, or in some entry level position, or still making YouTube rap videos in his spare time is going to get more leeway than a 35-year-old doing the same thing. And, if a guy is hesitant about volunteering his age, it’s usually because he realizes that he’s probably not where society — or, better yet, the type of women he’s interested in — would expect a man his age to be.
Also, if you’re the type of guy interested in 23-year-old women, being “30-something” or some other vagary about your age might sound better than “37.”
Still, your age is the one thing about you you’ll never, ever, ever be able to change. And a man not embracing that part of himself because of some insecurity or trickery is a huge (Huge!) red flag.
Alawanda: I’m becoming more conscious and awake. My beliefs have changed alot, extremely pro black, black love, he takes it as racism. I trying to deprogram what has been brainwashed in my head for generations. Yes we are married. He is semi conscious should I keep my views to myself?
DY: You don’t have to see eye to eye with everything with your spouse. But, what’s the point of being married to someone if you can’t talk to them and be honest with how you feel about things?
Niecy: Why do men try to hide their feelings from us? And you mean everything to them! And we show them ours…
DY: Sometimes it’s because men have been socialized to believe that showing feelings/emotions is a sign of weakness. And sometimes it’s because there aren’t any feelings to hide.
Denise: Why do men leave me hanging in a text message? No response for days… 🙁
DY: Sporadic communication is usually a sign that he’s not very interested in you.
Nicole: I’m 41 years old and looking to start dating again…any tips?? It’s been about 2 years since I’ve been out on a date and I’m nervous!
DY: Relax. Have fun. Enjoy life. I realize this seems like simple advice, but dating should be fun. And you won’t have fun dating unless you’re already having fun with your life.
Rae: Is it ok to have sex on the first date and can it develop into a relationship?
DY: Yes and yes. Just remember, make that decision when you’re comfortable making it. Not when you feel like you “have to.”
Allisha: How long is too long to date someone with no commitment?
DY: Depends on you. From my own experience, though, I pretty much knew how I felt about someone — at least in terms of commitment — after a few weeks of consistent dating.
Taye: When you truly like someone, but can’t tell the guy because he said he is not ready for a relationship because he has been hurt in the past…What should you do?
DY: Believe that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
Hello. In one of your recent writings, you said that most relationships (62%, I think) need to end. I know you were joking, but you’ve said similar things before. I don’t get it. I thought the point of advice was to help people in their relationships, not end them. Didn’t you just get married yourself?Confused about your comments
There were some very pressing relationship questions being posed today on our Facebook live chat. See what Damon Young, of Very Smart Brothas, had to say to these women in response.
Aisha: If you’ve been dating a guy for about six months and you haven’t been introduced to his family, are you the side chick, or is he just not that into you?
DY: Big difference between “dating” someone and being in a committed relationship with them. Which describes your situation best?