All Articles Tagged "relationship questions"

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: How Can I Ask My Friend To Hook Me Up With Her Ex?

April 15th, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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How Can I Ask My Friend To Hook Me Up With Her Ex?

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Shanetta: Hi Damon, I know it’s pretty common to hear about women who have a child with a man and can’t let them go afterwards but in my case, the roles are reversed. Between the constant strolls down memory lane, flirting, attitudes whenever I get male attention and the infamous weekly declarations of his love and desire to be with me, (literally almost every week since I became pregnant 3 years ago), it takes a toll. Now the problem is, the day I took the test, he left, packed his things and told me to get an abortion. I didn’t hear from him again until about 2 weeks later. By then, my trust in him was completely destroyed. So finally, my question is, is the fear of becoming a father THAT real to make you leave the one you supposedly love? Also, what do I do when a man goes above and beyond to prove his love for me, but rarely acknowledges our child without my pushing him to do so?

DY: Whether it’s because of nerves, anxiety, or just plain fear, it’s not extremely uncommon for men to freak out about a pregnancy. Of course, not all men do this. In fact, most don’t. But some hear that news and just don’t know how to handle it.

But, there’s a difference between “freaking out” and “breaking up with your girl and telling her to abort the child.” That’s just insane. And badgering you about getting together — while at the same time ignoring his child — takes the insanity to another level. At this point, you just need to tell him that while you’ll need his help in raising your child, the romantic relationship ship has sailed. One baby is enough. No need to be raising two.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Doesn’t He Want To Tell Me His Age?

April 2nd, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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Bad Habits That Women Can't Stand

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Dear Damon,

I’m something like a match-maker/event planner. And I’m organizing this speed dating event where I’m inviting a set group of men and women. To make sure that we get the right caliber of people I’ve had the men fill out a short questionnaire that asks basic questions. One of them is age. Interestingly, I’m coming across quite a few men who don’t want to share their age…which is odd to me. 

I’ve stumbled across this in the past and I’ve even asked one guy why he didn’t want to share. He said because when you tell people your age they start labeling. 

Who knows…the whole thing just seems weird to me. I mean, I don’t even know a whole lot of women who follow the ‘don’t tell your age’ rule these days. What do you think about this?

Sincerely,

What do they have to hide?

 

Dear What Do They Have To Hide,

Last year, Iowa State point guard DeAndre Kane was one of the best and most electrifying players in NCAA basketball. He was first team All-Conference, third team All-American, and seemed to have the size and skillset that would make him attractive to NBA teams. But, when the NBA draft came around, Kane went undrafted. Why? Well, there are a few reasons you could cite for that, but it ultimately came down to one thing: His age. He was a 23-year-old college senior (and 24 the day of the draft). This might not seem that old, but, when it comes to college basketball today, it’s practically ancient, because most of the best players are already in the NBA by that age.

Basically, Kane was a full-grown man playing against 18 and 19-year-olds. When you factored in his age, his accomplishments just weren’t as impressive.

Although this was a basketball example, it translates to the real world as well. Whether fair or not, age is a consideration when judging a person’s accomplishments, goals, and trajectory. A 25-year-old living at home, or in some entry level position, or still making YouTube rap videos in his spare time is going to get more leeway than a 35-year-old doing the same thing. And, if a guy is hesitant about volunteering his age, it’s usually because he realizes that he’s probably not where society — or, better yet, the type of women he’s interested in — would expect a man his age to be.

Also, if you’re the type of guy interested in 23-year-old women, being “30-something” or some other vagary about your age might sound better than “37.”

Still, your age is the one thing about you you’ll never, ever, ever be able to change. And a man not embracing that part of himself because of some insecurity or trickery is a huge (Huge!) red flag.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.   

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He Says He Won’t Have Sex With Me Until I Lose Weight

February 11th, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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Alawanda: I’m becoming more conscious and awake. My beliefs have changed alot, extremely pro black, black love, he takes it as racism. I trying to deprogram what has been brainwashed in my head for generations. Yes we are married. He is semi conscious should I keep my views to myself?

DY: You don’t have to see eye to eye with everything with your spouse. But, what’s the point of being married to someone if you can’t talk to them and be honest with how you feel about things?

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Does He Leave Me Hanging Via Text Message?

February 4th, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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Why Does He Leave Me Hanging Via Text Message?

Niecy: Why do men try to hide their feelings from us? And you mean everything to them! And we show them ours…

DY: Sometimes it’s because men have been socialized to believe that showing feelings/emotions is a sign of weakness. And sometimes it’s because there aren’t any feelings to hide.

 

Denise: Why do men leave me hanging in a text message? No response for days… :(

DY: Sporadic communication is usually a sign that he’s not very interested in you.

 

Nicole: I’m 41 years old and looking to start dating again…any tips?? It’s been about 2 years since I’ve been out on a date and I’m nervous!

DY: Relax. Have fun. Enjoy life. I realize this seems like simple advice, but dating should be fun. And you won’t have fun dating unless you’re already having fun with your life.

Why Does He Leave Me Hanging Via Text Message?

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Rae: Is it ok to have sex on the first date and can it develop into a relationship?

DY: Yes and yes. Just remember, make that decision when you’re comfortable making it. Not when you feel like you “have to.”

 

Allisha: How long is too long to date someone with no commitment?

DY: Depends on you. From my own experience, though, I pretty much knew how I felt about someone — at least in terms of commitment — after a few weeks of consistent dating.

 

Taye: When you truly like someone, but can’t tell the guy because he said he is not ready for a relationship because he has been hurt in the past…What should you do?

DY: Believe that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Did You Say 62 Percent Of People Shouldn’t Be In Relationships?

January 30th, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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Why Did You Say 62 Percent Of People Shouldn't Be In Relationships

Hello. In one of your recent writings, you said that most relationships (62%, I think) need to end. I know you were joking, but you’ve said similar things before. I don’t get it. I thought the point of advice was to help people in their relationships, not end them. Didn’t you just get married yourself?

Confused about your comments
Dear Confused,
You’re right. I did joke that 62% of people in relationships probably need to be single. And, like most jokes, it was rooted in truth. The percentage I used was arbitrary and maybe even far too high. But it stems from the belief that most of the relationship advice I give people is due to one of two overlapping things:
1. They don’t need to be in the relationship they’re currently in
2. They don’t know how to be single
You hear all sorts of reasons for why people stay in relationships. They’ve invested too much time to end it. Someone got pregnant. It makes financial sense. They feel like they’re too old to be single and start over again. The sex is great. The kids would be upset. But, only one question matters? Do you make each other’s lives better? If you do, stay together. If you don’t, don’t. When you get past all the extras, the main reason I married my wife is that I prefer the life I have with her in it than the one I had without her in it. (And I’m assuming she feels the same.)
Thing is, you also can’t expect a relationship to change your life. Enhance? Definitely. If you’re a cup of lemonade, a relationship should be a spoonful of sugar added to it. An enhancement that makes an already quality substance better. What some people expect is that a relationship will turn that cup of lemonade into a steak. It’s just not going to alter the properties of who you already are. Which is why it’s so important to make sure you’re good with who you are before you jump into one. Which is why I believe we need to stay single — even if that means ending the relationship you’re currently in — until that’s true.
Sincerely,
Damon Young
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.   

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: We’re Getting Married But His Brother Is Racist

January 21st, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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There were some very pressing relationship questions being posed today on our Facebook live chat. See what Damon Young, of Very Smart Brothas, had to say to these women in response.

We're Getting Married But His Brother Is Racist

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Aisha: If you’ve been dating a guy for about six months and you haven’t been introduced to his family, are you the side chick, or is he just not that into you?

DY: Big difference between “dating” someone and being in a committed relationship with them. Which describes your situation best?

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: We Haven’t Had Sex In 7 Months…Is He Cheating On Me?

January 14th, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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Should you suspect your husband of cheating if he hasn’t had sex with you in 7 months and seems unbothered by it? It’s only an issue if you (the woman) brings it up, and his reply is ‘Well, you don’t try either…’

Sexless in the City

 

Dear Sexless in the City,

There are myriad reasons why your husband might not be interested in having sex with you. Stress, depression, and physical injury can have a negative effect on a man’s sex drive. Maybe he has a naturally low libido. Maybe he is legitimately tired of always having to initiate sex. And maybe you’ve gone without having sex for so long that doing it again creates anxiety.

One thing is clear, though: There is something seriously wrong with your relationship. Going seven months without sex — and not making an effort to find any resolution — is very likely a symptom of a more serious issue. Although sex has its obvious physical attributes, sex is also a form of communication; the canary in the relationship coal mine. And a relationship where you refuse to communicate about this lack of communication can’t be fulfilling.

You need to have a serious and honest — and it’s the time for 100% honesty, not the 65-80% honesty often practiced — conversation about the state of your relationship. Find out what’s making you both unhappy/unfilled, and seriously consider if it just might be time to go your separate ways. Because, as “lonely” as singledom is often portrayed, there’s no lonelier place than a relationship where your partner doesn’t want to be with you.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.   

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He Doesn’t Take Care Of Our Daughter, Should We Divorce?

October 29th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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should we divorce

I am 20, husband is 21. We have a daughter together but I have 100% responsibility for her and getting her everything she needs and he won’t watch her unless forced to. He doesn’t want to be married anymore because it’s hard. He recently started smoking and. I refuse to be with someone like that. He’d rather be boyfriend and girlfriend. He parties, stays on phone 24-7 and doesn’t help raise my daughter. He’s barely around me but only for sex or money.He wants a divorce and has been distant for almost 6 months but swears he’s not cheating. I don’t know what to do. Let him go and move on or try to make it work?

Don’t Want A Divorce

 

Dear Don’t Want A Divorce,

The answer for what you should do is obvious to me, to everyone reading this, and probably to you too. If someone is acting like they don’t want to be in a relationship — and actually comes out and says “I want a divorce” — you do not need to be in a relationship with that person any longer. This is simple.
But, I’m aware that life has a way of making the simple seem difficult. That said, let me address and refute a couple possible reasons why this might be a difficult decision for you.
1. You’re in love
 
Love is only worth holding on to if the other person is also in love, and his actions are showing that he’s too immature to even consider loving someone
 
2. You want your daughter to have both parents at home
 
A noble concept, definitely. But do you really want to raise your daughter in a toxic environment where one parent clearly doesn’t want to be there?
3. You’re worried you won’t be able to find anyone else
You’re 20 years old. There will be literally hundreds of potential “anyone elses” in your lifetime.
In summary: Get the divorce, give him his “freedom,” and make sure he maintains his financial/legal responsibilities to your child. (And immediately stop allowing him to use you as a sex toy and an ATM)
Sincerely,
Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Should I Give Him An Ultimatum

October 22nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Shateria: I have a question I’m currently dating this guy but he’s always busy working and we only see each other once a week or every two weeks what should I do ??

DY: If you’re just dating, once a week is fine.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Should I End My Friends With Benefits Relationship?

October 1st, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Hi Damon,

I’ve asked so many friends and friends of friends about this situation. But I think I should get a man’s perspective on this. I met this man about three months ago and we immediately slept together. We both agreed we weren’t looking for relationships at the time. But these days, I find that I get really anxious when I don’t hear from him. I’ve asked my friends, and some married couples about whether or not I should continue “seeing” him. Some of my friends say it’s time for me to stop sleeping with him, so I can clear my head, and ask him about the trajectory of our relationship. I don’t know if I’m really ready to give up the sex. Some married women I’ve been speaking too keep telling me about all these timelines and I’m wondering what I should do. Should I keep seeing him? Am I setting myself up for failure?

– Friend Wanting More Benefits

 

Dear Friend Wanting More Benefits,

In a perfect world, the friends-with-benefits arrangement — where two adult parties agree to have a consistent relationship that consists of sex and nothing else — would be a perfect solution to both the “inbetween” relationship stage where people between relationships need someone to keep them, um, occupied, and the “I just don’t want to be in something serious right now” stage everyone between 25 and 34 seems to be in right now.

It is not a perfect world, though. Although the friends with benefits arrangement sounds great on paper and works well at the beginning, as 99.99999% of people who’ve entered one will tell you, the longer it lasts, the more awkward they become. As good as the sex can be, someone — and it can be the man or the woman — will eventually catch some sort of feelings, and when someone catches feelings, feelings get hurt.

This seems to be where you are right now. You’re not hurt yet, but if he decided to end things — or if he decided to share how much he likes this new chick he’s dating — you would be. The answer is obvious. Let him know how you feel. If it’s not reciprocated, end the relationship. It might be painful, but pulling off a bandaid hurts much less than putting one on a broken heart.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.