All Articles Tagged "relationship questions"

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Am I Too Independent?

April 9th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Dornice: Why are men intimidate d by a strong independent Black WOMEN

DY: Maybe they’re just intimidated by people who feel the need to capitalize WOMAN. I know I am.

 

 

Shannon: What makes a woman a wifey type? Or what makes a woman not?

DY: Don’t think there’s any such thing as a “wifey type.” Who a man decides to “wife” up depends on the man and his own likes, dislikes, and circumstance.

Shannon: Thanks Damon Young….one last question ..do you think there is a such thing as a too independent woman?

DY: I really wish someone would bury this notion that a woman’s “independence” is keeping worthy men away from her. That just does not happen. I will say, though, that “single” behavior and “relationship” behavior are two separate things — the type of mindset that’s necessary when single may need to be adjusted when entering a relationship — but that goes for men and women.

 

Alicia: What do think of young women with older men? I’m 22 graduating next spring. I’ve been seeing men in their 30-40s?

DY: I’m not going judge. As long as you’re both adults, happiness is where you find it. But, I will ask you this: What would you think about a 27 year old man who dated nothing but 18 year olds?

Alicia: I do think it’s a bit odd. But why do men like younger women?

DY: There are tons of possible reasons why. But the main reason is that younger women are “easier” and, subsequently, easier to control. There’s a power dynamic there that their age and experience — and the income that often comes with age and experience — gives them.

 

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He Dumped Me When I Told Him I Love Him Too Much?

March 26th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Alisha: Why can’t I find a boyfriend? Most men tell me I’m intimidating. How can I stop looking “intimidating” lol

DY: When a man randomly calls a woman “intimidating” it’s usually code for either “I’m not that attracted to you” or “you’re too attractive for me.” Either way, I wouldn’t pay much attention to them. Instead, work on enjoying life and being the type of person other people (men and women) enjoy being around.

 

Bella: Can a FWB (Friends with benefits) relationship turn into something more? I entered into a FWB relationship with a man and I developed real feelings for him. Your thoughts are welcomed.

DY: It can. But, it very, very rarely happens

 

Danielle When trust has been broken in a relationship, how do you fix it so trust can be fully restored? Or is that even possible?

DY: There’s no science for how to do that. Therapy/counseling helps, but neither of those are sure solutions. You basically have to figure this out on your own. And, if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.

 

T’wanda: Does a guy have to text/call you all the time to show valid interest in you and a possible relationship?

DY: No. But he does need to contact you regularly.

 

Angela: This married woman is hitting on me… How do I get her to stop? She’s 47. I’m 30…a nd she has kids my age….. WTH could she possibly want from me and she has a husband? Thanks for your help.

#2. Do you feel moving in together is a need in order to see if that person is marriage material?

DY: Did you try “Hey. Stop hitting on me.” yet? (And, for your second question, no. Some people might feel like they need it, but I don’t consider it to be a requirement.)


Kat:
Why is it that men say they want a successful woman, then they get one that’s more successful than they are and there’s a problem?

DY: For some (not all, but some) men, wanting a “successful” woman basically means that they want someone who’s successful enough to take care of herself, but not so successful that she outshines him. Basically, it’s an ego thing.

 

Gina: Why do men feel they can be vulgar and inappropriate on dating sites knowing they wouldn’t make the same comments/introductions in person? Do they think intelligent women really respond to that?

DY: They do it because they know it wouldn’t fly in person. In person it might get you smacked. Online, though, the worst that can happen is an ignore.

 

Tracee: How can a woman get out,of,being friend zoned all the time?

DY: In my experience, when women are friend-zoned repeatedly, it’s largely due to them accepting the “accommodating/cool homegirl” role and hoping that’ll change. What you need to do instead is be honest — with men and with yourself — and upfront about your expectations. And, if someone isn’t interested in you like that, don’t “hang around” hoping they’ll change their mind.

 

Kgothatso: Is it normal for a man to dump a woman because he says “she loves him too much?”

DY: Normal? Yes. I’ve heard that excuse before. Thing is, it’s just a way of him saying he doesn’t love you without him actually saying it.

 

Sharigurl: We were dating and then he backed off then he said he wanted to just be friends so I took that to mean he didn’t want to see me anymore. However, he calls and or texts everyday to talk about nothing or really important things like his relationship with his kids and his life or to check in on me. I really like this man but do I need to move on ?

DY: Yes, you do need to back off. What he’s doing is a classic move where men keep you close while also freeing himself up to see other people.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

He’s Jealous Of My Relationship With God, Is That A Dealbreaker?

March 17th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Jealous Of Your Relationship With God

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When I get a text message from my best friend, I never know what she’ll say, usually she asks some type of thought provoking question. This time it was about deal breakers:

“What would you do if your lover said he was jealous of your relationship with God?” 

Whoa. A deep one.

Before I decided to freak out and start flipping tables, I asked for clarification:

“It depended on how he said it. Jealous like he’s trying to get like me or jealous like he wants some of that attention?”

She responded:

“The attention God gets from you.” 

I had permission to go all the way in.

“Gurl, that’s crazy. That almost sounds like something a potential abuser would say. I would be tempted to be done. But first I would tell him he should never expect to have more of my attention than God does. Everybody–and for real everybody in your life– will leave you voluntarily or involuntarily at some point. Why would I neglect the one ‘person’ who is not only the reason for my existence by who will never leave me all for some rusty behind dude?!? It don’t make good sense.” 

Now for the record, my friend wasn’t talking about anyone she was dating personally. She was talking about someone else. And yes it was something he really said to the woman. This woman is abstaining from sex for a month as a form of sacrifice to God. And apparently, he’s having a hard time dealing with their lack of intercourse which is what led him to express his ‘jealousy.’ He even took it a step further. The favors and kind gestures he used to make towards her, he’s stopped since she’s been abstaining.

In my initial response I said I would be tempted to be done with him but after further reflection, I don’t know how a relationship with this type of person would work. My relationship with God is a nonnegotiable. So if you’re going to be jealous of our connection, how is this supposed to progress?

It probably won’t.

A man who would say something like that and then attempt to punish me for my spiritual connection is someone who is manipulative and honestly grossly ignorant about what it means to be connected to God. I know some people can date those who don’t believe in God. But at least, they should be sympathetic. God has to come first.

But just as I getting righteously indignant, I heard a small voice ask me, ‘Do you always put God first in your relationships?’

This is what I mean about the importance of having a relationship with God. He’ll check you or ‘get you right’ in a minute.

I’ve definitely been in situationships, particularly new ones where thoughts of that person consumed my mind. I spent hours on the phone talking to dude only to pass out before saying my prayers. I’d sit in church completely zoned, daydreaming about him. Or I’d keep checking my phone in between choir selections to see if he’d sent a text message.

These weren’t conscious decisions I’d made. If someone were to ask me, I’d proudly tell them that God was first in my life. But my actions didn’t necessarily say that.

And while we shouldn’t deal with a man who couldn’t accept our relationship with God, my friend’s question ultimately made me reevaluate myself and my own life.

Have you ever found yourself becoming consumed with thoughts of a man and what to do to please him more than God?

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Does A Woman’s Credit Score Matter To A Man?

March 12th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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In this week’s edition of “Ask A Very Smart Brotha,” Damon was back on our Facebook page taking relationships during our bi-weekly, hour-long live chat. He got some pretty interesting ones. And there are a couple that seem really complex that he makes quite simple. Check out his answers below.

Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Joanna: I do? If a man meets a woman who is single, no children, & has a 500 credit score, does that automatically disqualify her from the pursuit of a relationship??

DY: Depends on the man. Some are credit Nazis, some would be cool with it if they saw you were making better financial decisions now, and some don’t give a damn as long as you have a big booty.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: When Do I Tell Him I Don’t Want Kids?

February 26th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Nia: What makes a man want to marry? I’ve been with my guy for 17 years got the ring but no I do.

DY: A man wants to marry when he finds someone he wants to marry. Basically, if you’ve been with him 17 years, and he hasn’t married you yet, he just doesn’t want to marry you. I didn’t mean for that to come out so blunt, but there’s really no other way to put it.

 

Mesha: Why do men follow their penis and not their heart?

DY: (Some) Men do that because they value the temporary pleasure from making their penises happy more than the long-term (but riskier) pleasure of heart happiness.

And, of course, there are also many men who value both equally.

 

Precious: Should a woman divorce her husband if he has not been providing financially? Job hopping.

DY: Depends on why he hasn’t been providing. Getting laid off in a tough economy — which is understandable — is different than being lazy/unemployable.

 

Deanna: Any advice on how to approach the subject of children? I don’t want any and I’m not sure how long I should wait (if at all) before I tell a guy I’m dating.

DY: You don’t have to divulge those details while initially dating. But, if it’s at the point where it may have the potential to turn into something long-term, it’s time to share that.

 

Tia: How do I get a guy’s attention that I like?

DY: Say “Hi. My name is Tia. What’s yours?” Or get naked and show up at his job. One of the two should work.

 

Lauren: Why are guys so fearful of committing to an awesome woman?

DY: “Awesome” is a relative term. Your “awesome” may not be his “awesome.”

 

Tabitha: My issue is that a strong independent black woman I find that I intimidate a lot of men. I don’t intentionally try to do it but it just seems that is how I come across. It’s true I don’t need a man, but I do want a companion. I’ve tried toning down my assertiveness but then I don’t feel true to myself. Damon, what advice can you offer me?

DY: Many of the women who make sure to refer to themselves as “independent” and “strong” women who “don’t need a man” also tend to be somewhat obnoxious. Not saying this is you, but if it is you, you don’t have to keep reminding everyone of how strong you are. Take off the “I’m independent!!!!” t-shirt and start rocking your “I’m Tabitha!!!” t-shirt instead.

 

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He Doesn’t Like My Natural Hair, Can We Make This Work?

February 19th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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doesn't like my natural hair

Hey Damon,

I recently decided to cut my hair off and go natural. I made the decision on a whim and I felt empowered doing it and I love my new TWA. But my boyfriend absolutely cannot stand it. This is who I am so I’m wondering whether or not our relationship stands a chance? What do you think?

-Newly Natural

 

Dear Newly Natural,

That’s a tricky question, for many reasons.

It’s possible that he doesn’t dislike your natural hair, just the particular natural hairstyle you have. Just as there are dozens of different things women can do with weave or relaxed hair, there are dozens of different “natural” hair styles — twists, afros, short dreads, long dreads, braids, etc.

I bring this up because it’s often implied that if a Black man doesn’t like a Black woman’s natural hair style, he’s really a self-hating slave to the euro-standard of beauty. And while that may be true in some cases, usually it just comes down to a man getting used to his woman with a particular hairstyle, and not immediately feeling the change. And this is something that happens with white women, Asian women, Latinas, whoever.

Also, although men are the ones who get criticized for being upset about a woman’s hair change, many women actually would feel the same way if their bf/husband made certain changes. For all the women attracted to and/or dating men with dreads, I’m sure you’d feel a certain way if you came home one day and he cut all of his hair off. Same with the women who attracted to and/or dating men with full beards. And, I personally know that my fiancee would have an issue if I grew out my hair and decided I wanted to look like Pusha T.

You also have to consider the fact that maybe it’s not about the hair. Perhaps he’s upset you made that decision without discussing it with him first. Not asking permission, mind you. But discussing it. Perhaps the hair issue is a symptom of a deeper communication problem.

Granted, if you’re the type of woman who changes hairstyles and hair colors four times a month, you don’t need to have that conversation because he likely knew before you even started dating that the multiple change thing was a part of your package. But, if you’re a person who has had the same look for a number of years, you should give your man a heads-up if you’re planning on making a drastic change.

That said, a situation like this can say a lot about your relationship’s health. Basically, if he’s truly into you, he’ll eventually get over it and get used to your new hair. Maybe he won’t ever love it, but it won’t be a deal breaker either.And, if the hair continues to be an issue, he’s not the one for you.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: I Like Him But He’s Too Short…

February 12th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Another week, another relationship question and answer session with Damon Young. There were some interesting questions this week that really illustrate the difficulties–or the perceived difficulties–women have with dating and relationships. Take a look at the selected questions below and let us know if you agree with Damon’s advice.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He Disappeared. Now He’s Back, What Should I Do?

January 30th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Comeakco: A man tells a woman he needs space due to her consistent temper issues. They can talk on the phone but he wants space to figure this out. The woman seeks advice from two different men. One man says do not give him space. try to work it out. the other guy says give him what he ask for (space). Your thoughts?? Space or no Space? lol

DY: If the man asked for space, give him space. I mean, think about what you’re asking here. He has a problem with your anger issues. Wouldn’t you saying “No. I won’t give you space” be exactly what he was talking about?

Comeakco: Lmbo…I guess you’re right.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: I’m Married But I Have This Crush…

January 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Shutterstock

Shutterstock

I’ve been in a really bad relationship for 12 years with my husband. He cheated on me about a year ago and we separated because of it. Fast forward to 3 months ago. I have been having crushes on guys and I can’t say anything to them because I’m still miserably married. Some of these guys don’t even know that I’m interested in them. They all know that I’m married. Please help, what should I do?

Dear Constipated Crush,

Of the many latent themes present throughout the fifth season of “The Wire” — aka “the best American piece of art ever made” — the one that I’ve found the most applicable to my own life is the concept of “fresh eyes.” Sometimes you can get so bogged down in a situation or circumstance, that it’s hard for you to make good assessments, and you need to bring someone else to help you. Basically, you need “fresh eyes.”

For instance, a few months ago my car was acting strange. Making weird noises, riding awkwardly, and just not handling the way I was use to. First, I thought it was my engine. Then the brakes. Then the shocks. I couldn’t figure out what it was, so I made an appointment to see a mechanic. The day before the appointment, I drove to my parent’s house. My dad happened to be on the porch. The first thing he said to me when I greeted him? “Son, you need some new tires.”

He was right. And, not only did I need new tires, the tires were what was causing my car trouble. It seemed like an easy/obvious solution, but I was so focused on the engine and the brakes and the shocks that I couldn’t see the answer.

Anyway, I’m bringing this up because I remind myself of this when getting letters like yours. To me, the solution to your dilemma is obvious. But, because you’re invested in the situation, I can understand why the answer may not be as obvious to you.

You need to get a divorce. Immediately. You’ve been in an unhappy relationship for over a decade. And now it’s time to end it. Your tires are bald, and you need to throw them away and get some new ones if you ever want to be able to move on.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com. 

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: We’re Supposed To Get Married But He Has No Ambition

January 9th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Relationship how to know if he's cheating or not

Source: Shutterstock

Kandace: Well I have a question when a man completely goes outside in his car for 2 hours and then I catch him and he says that he just came back from the store and I know that’s a lie do you think he’s talking to another female.

 And just because this person’s response was too funny:

Sierra: ^^wtf YES or he beating his meat which is still rather weird

DY: Maybe. And maybe he just wants to get away while you watch Scandal.

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