All Articles Tagged "relationship questions"

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Should I Give Him An Ultimatum

October 22nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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champ213

Shateria: I have a question I’m currently dating this guy but he’s always busy working and we only see each other once a week or every two weeks what should I do ??

DY: If you’re just dating, once a week is fine.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Should I End My Friends With Benefits Relationship?

October 1st, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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"couple in bed pf"

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Hi Damon,

I’ve asked so many friends and friends of friends about this situation. But I think I should get a man’s perspective on this. I met this man about three months ago and we immediately slept together. We both agreed we weren’t looking for relationships at the time. But these days, I find that I get really anxious when I don’t hear from him. I’ve asked my friends, and some married couples about whether or not I should continue “seeing” him. Some of my friends say it’s time for me to stop sleeping with him, so I can clear my head, and ask him about the trajectory of our relationship. I don’t know if I’m really ready to give up the sex. Some married women I’ve been speaking too keep telling me about all these timelines and I’m wondering what I should do. Should I keep seeing him? Am I setting myself up for failure?

– Friend Wanting More Benefits

 

Dear Friend Wanting More Benefits,

In a perfect world, the friends-with-benefits arrangement — where two adult parties agree to have a consistent relationship that consists of sex and nothing else — would be a perfect solution to both the “inbetween” relationship stage where people between relationships need someone to keep them, um, occupied, and the “I just don’t want to be in something serious right now” stage everyone between 25 and 34 seems to be in right now.

It is not a perfect world, though. Although the friends with benefits arrangement sounds great on paper and works well at the beginning, as 99.99999% of people who’ve entered one will tell you, the longer it lasts, the more awkward they become. As good as the sex can be, someone — and it can be the man or the woman — will eventually catch some sort of feelings, and when someone catches feelings, feelings get hurt.

This seems to be where you are right now. You’re not hurt yet, but if he decided to end things — or if he decided to share how much he likes this new chick he’s dating — you would be. The answer is obvious. Let him know how you feel. If it’s not reciprocated, end the relationship. It might be painful, but pulling off a bandaid hurts much less than putting one on a broken heart.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.  

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: I’m Interested In My Daughter’s Teacher

September 19th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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champ213Relationship problems never stop. So it’s only right that Damon Young, from Very Smart Brothas stop by and offer his advice. This week Damon discussed issues of domestic violence, dating with HIV and more. See what he had to say on the following pages.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Am I Doing Too Much At The Club?

September 10th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Ask A Very Smart Brotha

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Dear Damon,

I have been dating my current boyfriend for the past six years. When we first met, I was attracted to the fact that he was so different from me. I’m the more outgoing, party type and he’s more reserved. I never really considered it a problem until my friends brought it to my attention this past weekend. We were all out partying like we normally do. And on our way home that night they made mention of how much I seemed to be flirting with the other men on the dance floor.

They told me that I was dancing too suggestively for someone with a boyfriend. And admittedly, I was flirting but I never gave these men my number.

My boyfriend rarely goes out with me and when he does, I don’t get to dance and socialize like I want to.

I can’t say that unhappy with him but I’m wondering if my flirting was indeed excessive and maybe I was subconsciously expressing some desire to break free from his rigidity.

Do you think my flirting is inappropriate? Should I have a conversation with my man?

– Doing Too Much On The Dance Floor

 

Dear Doing Too Much On The Dance Floor,

So, after reading this, I have to admit I read a couple more times because I had to take an extra hard look at your word choice and syntax. Why? Well, wanted to make sure this wasn’t anonymously sent by my wife. She is that woman who enjoys going out and dancing, and I’m that guy who, while I do get on the dance floor at times, prefers to play the bar — or just stay home. She’s actually a bit more extra with the dancing than you seem to be, though. She loves dancing so much that she prefers dancing by herself than with other people. Which is…odd to me. But, I married her, so I must not think it’s that odd.

Anyway, when it comes to appropriate behavior, if other people are noticing that you’re being a bit too much of a social butterfly, it’s probably time for you to scale things back. Basically, if you ever have a doubt about whether your behavior is cool, ask yourself two questions:

1. Would my significant other be upset if they saw this?

2. Would I be upset if my significant other was acting this way?

Also, while I don’t think the flirting automatically means you want out, I do think being in a bf/gf relationship for six years is a bit of a long time. Maybe you two need to have a conversation about your future. Just promise me that when you do, you don’t do it at a club.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

 

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: How Do You Know When It’s Time To Move On?

August 27th, 2014 - By Asha Boston
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Ask A Very Smart Brotha

Shanally: What does a guy means when he says “I want to be in a committed relationship with you but I’m not ready ”

DY: It means he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you.

 

Porusuchi: I know this sounds silly but I’m dead serious. My guy watches twerk videos sometimes. No big deal but I told him as long as he watches them I will be posting my own. He gets angry. Am I wrong? Should he be mad about this? Or is it justified?

DY: You probably should have stopped at “I know this sounds silly…”. If you have a problem with your man watching twerk videos, fine. But “Well, I’m just gonna make one of my own” is a terrible response. I mean, if he had a porn habit, would you start “hanging out” with Brian Pumper?

 

Byanca: Why do guys think it’s okay to play with a girls feelings? How hard is it to be upfront and tell her that you’re not ready for a relationship instead of dragging her along?

DY: For many people (men and women) dragging out a lie is just easy than telling the truth. Thing is, it’s not actually easier at all. The lie takes more effort and energy, and leaves more broken hearts/collateral damage. But people believe it is, so they continue to do it.

 

Brittany: Thank for your advice in advance. How do you know when it’s time to just let a relationship go?

DY: When you find yourself asking that question over and over again. (And you’re welcome!)

 

Chanelle: Why do some men cheat, go through emotional panics when its over, just to do it again when given a chance?

DY: If you took them back before after cheating, why wouldn’t they think you’d take them back again?

 

Kris: Do guys who break up with a girl still have some feelings for her?

DY: Sometimes. But, usually, when a guy initiates the break-up, there’s no returning from that.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com. 

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: I Invited Someone To Our Date And Now He’s Mad At Me, Was I Wrong?

August 13th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Hi Damon,

I’m a 23 year old student and I started dating another student on campus, this guy is 29 and working on his bachelor’s degree like me. I know he’s a little older but we seemed to be in similar places in life, literally and figuratively, so I decided to go out with him.

Everything was fine but for our second date, I invited him to a spoken word event and I just so happened to invite my godsister to come along with us. Well, he didn’t like that at all. He made some lame excuse about something coming up and he left abruptly, didn’t even stay for the event. After that I couldn’t get in touch with him for weeks. Then I saw him during finals and he walked right past me like he’d never seen me before.

Finally, desperate for answers, I texted him a few days later asking “Why haven’t I heard from you? What did I do wrong?” I guess he felt sorry for me because he finally explained that he thought it was incredibly rude for me to invite him out when he knew someone else was coming.

So, that’s the first part of my question, was I wrong for inviting my godsister to come to the event with us? And then a few more weeks pass and I was in Miami with my friends. Naturally, we’re posting pictures of ourselves in bikinis on Instagram and all of a sudden he hits me up, asking how I’m doing and to send him a picture.

Of course I was wondering where he came from all of a sudden– and I asked him this but didn’t send a pic. My second question is do you think I should completely write this dude off or should I give him another chance?

– Was I Wrong

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Ask A Very Smart Brotha: How Do I Get Him To Deposit His Check Into My Account?

July 30th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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champ213

Joanswach: Can you have a relationship where you have never met your partner but you chat all day long?

DY: You have to meet eventually. Unless, of course, you want one of those relationships like in the movie “Her.”

Joanswach: What if we are not in tie same country?

DY: Then, you have to make plans to eventually be in the same country, or go your separate ways.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: My Man Still Sleeps At One Of His Baby Mommas’ House, Help!

July 23rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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champ213

Dear Damon,

I met this man at a club about a year ago. Already this was probably a seedy situation but shortly after that night when we met up with each other I realized he’s a pretty decent guy. As we got to know each other he started to reveal more and more about himself. I knew early on in the relationship that he had children but with each month, he seemed to add another. By the sixth month we were exclusive and he dropped the bomb, telling me he had 9 children with 7 different women.

By this point I really liked him and had so much invested, I figured I shouldn’t judge him too harshly for this. It was all in the past.

The problem came in when I learned that sometimes he sleeps at one of the mothers’ home. He told me that after he spends time with his child over there, he feels that if he travels all the way back to his house, he’ll fall asleep at the wheel.

Obviously, I have a problem with this and I’m wondering one, do you think I’ve made a mistake off top dating a man with seven baby moms and secondly, how should I ask him to stop sleeping over at his ex’s house?

- Dating A Straight Shooter

Dear Dating A Straight Shooter,

Every once in a while, I’ll get a question that requires some very deep thought and a nuanced, multi-layered response. And sometimes, I’ll get a question involving a situation so complex and/or serious that I’ll admit I have no answers; no clue about what the person needs to do.

This is not one of those situations.
So look. I’m not going to judge you for sleeping with the neighborhood seed spreader. And, I won’t judge him either. On the bright side, his semen philanthropy is helping to populate the community. Good for him!
But, if this relationship continues, I’m 99.999999% sure at least one of following will happen:
1. You will be baby momma number eight.
2. You will catch an STD.
3. He will continue sleeping with other women.
4. He will do prison time, because there’s no way he’ll be able to pay all that child support.
5. You will likely get into some type of altercation with either a woman he slept with or a woman he’s currently sleeping with.
6. When people in your neighborhood play “Who are these silly women who keep sleeping with this irresponsible and unemployable man???” trivia, you will be one of the answers.
7. You will regret your decision.
Sincerely,
Damon Young
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He’s Moving…Should I Follow Him?

July 16th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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champ213

I just started dating this man three months ago. Initially, I thought it would just be a summer fling but my feelings grew very quickly and I started fantasizing about a life with him. He’s introduced me to his parents a month after dating and things just felt right when I was with him. He recently he decided to move to Dallas (we live on the East Coast) because he’s tired of the fast paced lifestyle. To say I am devastated would be an understatement. I’ve been crying pretty much everyday since he told me he was leaving. He’s tried to comfort me, suggesting that I’ll find someone else. But I just can’t see it. It may sound crazy but I’m really considering following him to Texas. I just don’t want to be unhappy for months or years down the line, wondering what could have happened.

What do you think I should do?
Leaving For Love
Dear Leaving For Love,
I’m very sorry to hear that you’re heartbroken. From experience, I know that it can be a crippling pain — a mental, emotional, and spiritual ache that can even have physical effects. But, although you’re feeling down, I have some good news for you. It’s news that may not make you feel better any time soon, but please trust that it’s good news. 

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1. You’re going to feel better.
Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not next week. Maybe not even next month. But the pain you feel now will subside. This may sound cliche, but it is true. Time does not heal all wounds, but believe when I tell you it will heal this one.
2. Your “one” wasn’t “the one”
In your letter, you bring up the possibility of moving to Texas to be with this guy. This would be the worst possible thing you can do. Why? Well, you’d be chasing someone who doesn’t want to be with you. If he did he would have stayed…or begged you to come with him. And it’s not like he got deployed to Iraq or something. He’s leaving because he’s “tired of the fast-paced lifestyle” — which means he wants to be in a different city more than he wants to be with you.
I realize this might be a bit blunt, but once you make it through your post-break up depression, you’ll see the truth in what I’m saying.

And, to your ex’s credit, there is one thing he said that’s definitely right. Eventually, you will find someone else.

Sincerely,
Damon Young
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Should I Date A Man With A Newborn Baby?

July 9th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Should I Date A Man With A Newborn Baby

NaaQuaye: Why do some guys find it difficult to open up and how can you get them to do so?

DY: This is the thing: Guys who do actually care don’t have difficultly showing it. If he doesn’t seem to care enough, he either doesn’t care, or he’s too emotionally immature to be with.