All Articles Tagged "jealousy"

Does Every Woman Deserve Her “Moment”?

June 7th, 2014 - By Toya Sharee
Share to Twitter Email This
taking advantage of attention

Shutterstock

For some reason, I spent the early part of last week really looking forward to checking out “Little Women of LA”, Lifetime’s new reality show about a group of actual “little women” pursuing their careers, love and friendship in the City of Angels. Admittedly I’m not the biggest fan of reality shows. In fact a few years ago, “Basketball Wives of LA”, “Real Housewives of ATL” and “Love and Hip Hop” all started to look identical to me and I gave up on them completely. But every once in a while I do like to tune into reality TV that explores different lifestyles. I guess I feel in some superficial way I feel like I’m actually learning about something. So whether it’s Amish living in the city or little people trying to raise a family, I get intrigued by the challenge of people changing and lifestyles that are vastly different than my own.

Well, I guess I’ll say “Little Women of LA” wasn’t completely disappointing. I tuned in for the second episode last week and it was interesting to learn about the challenges Terra, Tonya, Elena and friends face particularly because of their stature. But in no time it was clear they had the same problems (exaggerated or not) that all the other 20 or 30-something year old women were playing out on national TV: jealousy, drama and enough shade to hold down the lighting section of Lowe’s.

Episode 2, “Little Women, Big Drama” is all about beef and competition. When Traci reveals that she and her fiancé have set a wedding date, this ignites a race to the altar with friend, Christy, whom although isn’t engaged proceeds to take some of the girls engagement ring shopping for her dream diamond. Traci deservedly feels like Christy is unfairly trying to steal her shine and beat her to Bridezilla status. I’ve written about women being careful to allow their friends to have “their moment” in the past. I feel like many of us feel threatened when witnessing other friends reach milestones like pregnancy and marriage, that instead of being happy for them, our insecurities force us to rush to be able to say we’re right there in the running too. It requires a lot of maturity to fall back and say, “It might not be my time now, but it’s coming. And right now my job is to take care of the pass so my friend can nail this shot.”

But for some reason, Traci annoyed the hell out of me by reminding everyone that she was engaged first and Christy was trying to steal her moment. Milestones work both ways. If you’re the one who’s expecting or just got engaged, just like you expect your friends to be happy for you and let you enjoy your moment in the sun, you have to understand that at some point life goes on and your friends aren’t obligated to make your baby or wedding the center of their universe. I’ll be getting married this fall, and from day one I’ve reminded myself about what’s important: That I’m marrying the man I love and that we enjoy that day and the people who are there have a good time. You won’t catch me bugging out if someone can’t make it or chooses to pay their school loans instead of making a trip for one of the most important events of my life. Because let’s be real:  As important it is to you, you can’t expect your wedding or baby to be people’s first priority, nor should it be.

I think you also have to be understanding that these moments can bring out the worst in people. It doesn’t mean they don’t support you or love you, but like I mentioned earlier, for many women witnessing their friends picking out bridesmaid dresses and baby clothes, it can be a sobering reminder that maybe their biggest achievements in life right now are being able to get a that new coupe with no co-signer or finally finishing school although it may have taken a few extra years. Don’t be the diva that gets so caught up in, as Drake would say, “We made it!” that you forget your friends have feelings and their own issues going on. Even if you feel like you’ve won some imaginary race or you’re relieved because you’re one step farther from “cat lady” status or embarrassing speed dating, be sympathetic (but not accommodating) to the fact that friends might be in their feelings and don’t necessarily want to hear about your wedding cake flavors for months. Your moment is just that: a moment. And although it may feel like your whole life, for others it’s only a moment in there’s.

Consider yourself lucky if you have friends that spend their days cruising your Pinterest board for baby furniture or feel like a day of fun is spending their afternoon at Carter’s with you when they really could be at happy hour nursing a margarita. Know when to turn down; no one wants to talk about your pregnancy cravings every single day. Do all women deserve their moment? Yes, as long as they keep in mind that moments are just that moments and good friends know when it’s time to move the hell on so we can talk about something else.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.

Why Are Some Men Intimidated By Successful Women?

May 6th, 2014 - By Liz Lampkin
Share to Twitter Email This
Shutterstock

Shutterstock

Being successful is something everyone aspires to do. People spend countless days, nights, minutes and hours working to achieve set goals in order to live a particular lifestyle and prepare for the future. When a man is deemed a success, or has reached certain milestones in his life, he is celebrated by his family, friends and his companion, no matter how big or small the achievement. However, when a woman is considered successful, she is celebrated as well by family and friends, and maybe by her mate. Why is that? Why is it that when a woman is at the top of her game, or she is considered a major movie and shaker, the man in her life seems happy for her, but deep down, is secretly intimated or bothered by her success? The answer is simple… a man’s fragile ego often interferes with him being supportive of a woman who may be just as successful, or more successful than he is.

Now don’t get me wrong, not all men are threatened by a woman who has it together career wise, but the truth of the matter is that there are a lot of men who feel incompetent in being the mate of a power playing woman. Society believes that men should make more money, have better jobs or careers and simply be much better at everything than women. Not only does society believe this, but it has been embedded in the minds of men, and when they come across a woman who is at the head of her career class, he doesn’t quite know how to handle her. And despite the many powerful women there are in the world, many do not view women as dominating figures. While by design, males were created to be the heads of households, breadwinners and leaders by nature, and women were created to take on the helpful and supportive role, that does not mean that women cannot and should not be prosperous in what they seek out to do, nor does it mean that men should be unsupportive…even if she is more successful than him.

In the beginning of new relationships, many women are afraid to tell their love interest or potential mate just how successful they are in their careers for fear of a lack of support or rejection. And many times, women have the tendency to downplay their intelligence, or change their personalities because they don’t want a man they are interested in to lose interest in who they believe they are. Not only is this sad, but it is insane for a woman to feel that she must do this in order to keep someone’s attention. So ladies, how do we handle a man who can’t handle a powerful woman?

First, be mindful of his financial or career situation. We all know a man’s ego can be delicate, and depending on his circumstances, we don’t want to bruise his ego any further by telling him how good things are going for us. This is not to say that you shouldn’t inform your man or potential mate of what’s going on in your life, but it is to say that you should be sensitive to where he is in his life. Also, let him learn more about who you are vs. hearing more about what you do. There are a number of women who spend more time bragging about their careers, degrees, and other accolades to make themselves seem larger than life. Allow a man to see and hear about the person you are…after all, he’s interested in learning about you, not your accomplishments.

When he finds out just how successful you are, remain humble about it. No matter what you do, never throw it in your man’s face…or anyone else’s for that matter. Last but definitely not least, if your love interest can’t handle who you are and what you bring to the table, bow out gracefully and wait patiently for the next man to come along. At the end of the day, there is no need to waist time on someone who would want to diminish your shine.

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

“A Man Would Suck On A Cow’s T*tty If The Cow Would Let Him. ” How To Remove Crazy Thoughts About Men

April 3rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
Share to Twitter Email This
Shutterstock

Shutterstock

 

From YourTango

I made a comment recently saying, “No other person is a threat to us unless it’s violence.” Whether it’s your husband’s secretary, the cute guy working behind the reception counter at the gym, a the hot lady dancing near your husband on the dance floor and giving him the eye of interest, or a co-worker and so on, it seems that many women and men have moderate to high levels of jealousy regarding their spouses/partners.

Here are six examples of thinking patterns that support jealous thoughts and feelings:

  1. High-risk Thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, then my relationship is at risk, as they may steal them from me. All others are a risk to my relationship security.
  2. Fantasy Thinking: My partner will never find anyone more attractive than me, I will be his/her end all be all. He/she will never have interest in being with another sexually because they are completely fulfilled, aroused and satisfied by me; therefore, when he/she thinks differently than my fantasy, I am hurt, rejected and threatened.
  3. Fear/Self-Loathing Thinking: Oh, s/he is better looking than I, I am ugly/fat, of course my partner will want another, I know s/he’ll leave me for him/her. I hate her/him!
  4. All Men Thinking: All men lie and cheat, I should expect it. He looked over at her, I know he’ll cheat on me. A man would suck on a cows titty if the cow would let him.
  5. Backpack Thinking: My ex cheated, so I can’t trust that someone will be faithful. Even if my partner/spouse seems trustworthy, inside I don’t believe it. They’re guilty even if they haven’t stepped out (yet).
  6. Projection Thinking: Look at the attention they are giving to him/her, I bet he/she wants to sleep with them. I need to question, pry, spy and accuse, because I can’t let my partner know I’ve had thoughts of cheating on them.

Read more jealousy at YourTango.com 

It’s Not Always About You: Dealing With Competitive Friends

March 22nd, 2014 - By Toya Sharee
Share to Twitter Email This
Competitive Friends

Shutterstock

There’s always a slight hesitation that can come with making an announcement about big life changes.  If you’re lucky most people around you will want to share in your happiness and genuinely support you on your journey whether you’re accepting a new career path, getting married or becoming a parent for the first time.

But as my Facebook friends profile pictures steadily change from partying to potty training or others find more fun in furnishing their homes than spending money on spring break vacations, I’ve noticed how difficult it is for others to deal with moments that are not about them. Whether I was getting engaged or graduating from college, out of all the people that were truly proud of me, there were always a few who wither needed to discredit me or “one-up” me.

I’ve always tried to live my life for me. I was a late-bloomer. I went to college when I felt ready, and “ready” didn’t happen until age 21. Of course I felt awkward when my peers were talking about their new roommates and studying on the quad while my days were spent slinging soft serve and cleaning the walk-in freezer as a Dairy Queen manager, but even in all my insecurity I knew I was doing what worked best for my life at that time.

Now as a new member of club thirties, I can physically feel the pressure that many of my peers face to have it altogether, but what I’m beginning to learn is that most people never feel like adults. Most of us are just winging it. What really makes you an adult is the ability to challenge yourself and do what needs to be done regardless of how terrified you are. Life never stops changing and never stops being scary whether you’re 14 or 44.

I think if more people realized this and learned to become comfortable with the natural flow of their lives, the better choices they would make and the less they’d feel the need to compete with everyone around them. Since I became engaged last summer, I can name at least three people in me and my fiancé’s lives that have rushed to put a ring on it as well. They’ve been in relationships for less than 6 months and suddenly decided they were ready to take that next step. They were quick to show off the rings that they had maxed out their Mastercard with and announce, “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!  I can do it too.”

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I try to constantly humble myself regularly and not be quick to assume someone is jealous or adversarial. After all, coincidences happen. But the tackiest, most insecure thing someone can do is try to steal someone’s moment that they claim to care about. Some people get crazy uncomfortable when life isn’t about them and it’s sad. Everyone deserves a moment that is unapologetically about them. So don’t go pulling a “Best Man” and proposing at your best friend’s wedding. It’s not romantic, it’s tacky.

If you have a relative or a close friend that’s having a big life experience (getting married, having a baby, buying a house) if you can help it, don’t run to make a baby, get engaged, or put a down payment on a house you know damn well you can’t afford. Let them have their moment. Be the best supportive friend, brother or cousin you can be because when it’s your turn, you’ll get the same love back.

The only prize we get in this life is a tombstone and a fancy box with satin bedding. No one is going to be giving out trophies at your deathbed because you completed the checklist of being a real adult first.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.

The Quarter-Life Crisis And Why The Success Of Your Peers Doesn’t Make You A Failure

March 6th, 2014 - By Nicole Akoukou Thompson
Share to Twitter Email This
Shutterstock

Shutterstock

Soror Rachel just got engaged and her wedding will be in Austin, TX, taking place just two days prior to my freshman roommate Trish’s baby shower in Chicago. Of course, I have to cross my fingers and hope that those dates don’t conflict with the date of my twin sister’s grad school graduation from (*insert name of fancy university*).With all of these things on my plate, I’m just hoping it won’t interfere with me watching a new episode of Scandal

At this point, if you’re like me, you may feel like should have accomplished more for yourself by now than just having good looks, a winning personality, a fancy degree (where my liberal arts folks at!?), your hopes, and being a gladiator for Olivia Pope. In your mid to late 20s, your peers have been making it rain fifties and hundreds at every social outing, while you frequently collect change from cushions and crevices so that you can fund a trip to the neighborhood bodega to buy a bag of UTZ sour cream and onion chips for dinner.

The Internet hasn’t helped either. It constantly updates you on every single life change and triumph that your peers encounter. Facebook and every other social media outlet have made everyone else’s advancements readily available for your consumption. After scrolling through your newsfeed, you feel like you’re still playing dress-up while everyone else is suited up for real. You may be happy for your friends and you can certainly “like” their actions on Facebook and Instagram, but it doesn’t make you a bad person for being a little over seeing it all.

Everyone that you know seems to be frying bigger fish and doing big things in their lives. You’re just finding your footing, and that makes you stressed about your future. Trust me, I can fully relate.

Top-tier careers, engagements, marriages, pregnancies, children, and/or benevolently living abroad while developing water irrigation systems and feeding the hungry children of Malawi–my peers seem to be doing it all. But there are two things I had to remind myself to do:

Relax, and breathe.

Life is not a race…even though it may feel like you’re always finishing last.

I learned that your peer’s success does not equal your failure, and if someone’s newsfeed is getting you down then you might need a break from social media in general. If other people’s happiness is making you feel left out, and affecting you on a basic level –destroying your mood one  update at a time — then you should unplug. Stop reading about what other people are doing and work on yourself. Also, actively pursuing your own goals or even spending time to decide and pinpoint what your life goals are is just as valuable as achieving a goal.

There’s no satisfaction to be had when unfairly comparing yourself to someone who appears to be doing “better” than you. When you compare the worst aspects of yourself with someone’s best, it’s damaging to your sense of self – and it doesn’t help you accomplish your goals.

Additionally, you don’t really know the lives of the people that you’re comparing yourself to. You don’t know what struggles or difficulties they may be facing or what they had to overcome to get where they are. Their priorities may be completely different than yours and they may have made sacrifices that you wouldn’t be willing to make.

And hey, some of them could just be faking it like everyone else, in which case, you can’t compare yourself against inaccurate information. Many people are pretending that they’re more accomplished or happier than they actually are. And on top of that, nepotism isn’t just a word, it’s how a lot people are getting by nowadays. Knowing people, making connections and networking like it’s nobody’s business is getting a lot of people very far. Because a friend’s cousin’s sister’s nephew went to church with Jane Doe, they have an in, and you’re left feeling like you’re on the outs.

Try to make a list of your accomplishments, so that you can remind yourself of all that you’ve done and the things you want to do. Create a checklist that’s comprised of big things and small things, so that you’re always checking things off of your list. Do this so that you realize the importance of achieving conceivable small and big goals. And, finally, pace yourself. Take your time and enjoy your life. Incessantly obsessing about progression toward a large goal is like weighing yourself after every meal and hoping to have lost weight after each weigh in…we all know that things don’t work that way.

 

Why You Need To Stop Apologizing For Your Happiness

January 22nd, 2014 - By Kendra Koger
Share to Twitter Email This
Shutterstock

Shutterstock

I learned one lie that I was taught was that “there’s no such thing as a stupid question.”  Now, I’m all for trying to get clarification on things that have escaped your conventional wisdom, and wanting to know more.  However, the adage rings false to me when someone approaches me with the:  “Why are you so happy all the time?” question.  The reason why I get so annoyed is for a myriad of reasons, but I’ll break it down to two.

One, how in the crap am I supposed to answer that?  “Because.”  “I don’t know, I just am?”  “Um… I don’t know, why are you so bitter all of the time?”  It’s a question setting you up for failure, because no answer is going to be satisfactory to the person with the gall to ask you.  In fact, they’re not trying to get an answer from you, which leads to the next point.

The main issue isn’t the fact that these people are being drawn to my sunny demeanor and want to know the secrets of how to have a perma-smile on their face all day. (Which isn’t as great as you might think.  My cheeks are usually a little sore at night).  These people aren’t asking because they’re tired of being unhappy and they want to fix their thinking to be more optimistic.  Most of the time when people are asking me this, it’s usually with a judgmental and condescending tone.  They ask as if there’s something wrong with me for wanting to express my joy.  Then, the more bold ones will try to “fix” me, with suggestions of personality adjustments.

Like, really?  What is wrong with some people?  Do you know what they remind me of?  The Dementors from the Harry Potter series.  These people are so uncomfortable around happiness and joy that they try to suck all it from you until you’re a sad, soulless being, just like them.  In all honesty, most people aren’t worth the headaches that they give you.  (See, I’m not joyful all the time.)

I never understood why people would want to make others feel guilty for happiness.  Or make you feel rude for expressing it.  Now, I’m not saying to go to funerals, hospices, or accident scenes and start singing “Joyful Joyful,” but if you’re feeling a certain way, express it.  If you’re happy, show it.

Life is filled with multitudes of people, and each one is going to be filled with their own type of emotion.  People might not always appreciate your happiness, but their side-eyes are worth it.   The worst type of way to feel is the emotions that come with neglecting your own feelings, and suppressing them.  That feeling is usually accompanied by allowing someone else’s sensibility of how you should behave to affect your own.

Let’s be honest about society right now, so many people can be comfortable in dysfunction, but uncomfortable around happiness.  How people can make you feel as though there’s something wrong with you for enjoying more of your days, than the ones you discount is beyond me, but it happens.

I remember the days of feeling guilty for being so happy, and apologizing for it.  But then, something hit me.  STOP!  Stop apologizing for it!  You wanna know why?  Because I was so unhappy for so many years.  Trying to decipher the pain from my past, and the resulting consequences of my present and being so afraid of the future that my early years were a shroud of pain.  Then one day, a glimmer of true joy came, and I never wanted to let it go.  I embraced it, and loved it.

So now, when people ask me why I’m so happy, I stopped apologizing for it.  Who cares if it makes them uncomfortable?  Now, I just say, “because I earned it.”  Every smile, every laugh, anytime that I was bold enough to click my heels in the air (it’s happened), I deserved, and I still do.

Dear reader, realize that if you’re happy, you earned that.  Never let anyone make you feel guilty for it.  Get over trying to figure out a way to justify your happiness so it makes sense to other people, because until they get to the point where they can truly embrace joy, you’ll never make sense to them anyway.

Kendra Koger is all smiles and the occasional tweeter @kkoger.

Kim Fields Says There’s No Jealousy Between Kids & Son Sebastian Has “The Heart Of God”

December 22nd, 2013 - By Drenna Armstrong
Share to Twitter Email This
Getty Images

Getty Images

Kim Fields is opening up and gushing about her new life with two young children and thankfully, she has quite the helpful six year old.

Fields spoke with PEOPLE recently about how it’s been since giving birth two and a half weeks ago to her son Quincy and luckily for her, older son Sebastian is a huge help to his parents. She said:

“He’s so excited and overjoyed about being a big brother.

“Sebastian really has the heart of God. He loves to love and help. One day he told us, ‘Mommy, you and Daddy can sleep in. I’ll get Quincy’s beverages.’ He was very excited to be able to teach Quincy the things that he knows.”

Okay, that’s totally sweet.  So far, she says Sebastian hasn’t shown any signs of jealousy. She added that she and her husband Christopher spent a lot of time with him making sure he understood their love for him would not go away just because there would be another child in the home:

We did a lot of prepping with him early on to let him know it’s not a competition — the baby does not decrease him in any way. We were clear in that and let him know there’s no difference.”

Hopefully, Sebastian can stay that way because even at six years old, he can help them quite a bit. But you never know with kids and how they’ll react down the line.

Don’t you love when kids want to be involved? Sweet.

How To Tell If Your Friend Is Jealous Of Your Relationship

September 20th, 2013 - By Cecily Michelle
Share to Twitter Email This

jealous friend

With the ubiquity of loose women spreading their goods all around, and doggish men chasing every bone they can get, it can be hard to find a good companion and maintain a healthy relationship. But when you finally find that one; that man who makes you feel like you are the only woman in the world (not to be corny), one who erases the pain caused by all the guys you knew before him, you’re like a cop in a donut shop: happy as all hell! And boy, do some people hate to see you in relationship bliss…

They get in your ear, repeating rumors and telling you everything they heard your man did with this one, that one, and the third. But when one of those envy-filled, joy-snatching naysayers happens to be a friend, then things can get messy.You’d think that those closest to you would want nothing but the best for you. Well, unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way. So how can you tell if one of your best buds is also one of your top haters?

If everything that comes out of honey child’s mouth regarding your man is a negative remark, chances are, she’s jealous. Now I know our friends can be a little hard on the people we date in the beginning; throwing jabs, analyzing their behavior and doing everything they can possibly think of to test them out. But if your friend is always coming down on your beau for no good reason at all, then there’s something more than innocent good-friend motives possibly fueling her negativity. Just say his name and she’s rolling her eyes and her teeth, looking like her arch-nemesis just crashed her party. You can damn near feel her blood boil and see steam blowing from her ears. And when she’s dogging your relationship and/or your man to other people, it’s really clear that she has a problem. Yeah, it’s true that your friends will not always like who you date, and she may genuinely not like your man as a person. But he’s in a relationship with you, not her. And if she was a real friend, then she would hold her tongue and tame her animosity for the sake of your happiness.

But if you really want to know if your homegirl (or boy) is praying for your relationship’s downfall, observe her behavior the next time you’re around you’re boyfriend. Invite a group of friends over for a game night, or plan a fun get-together at your favorite restaurant or bar—whatever you do, make sure there is a group of people around so when you get into action with your boo, it’ll be less awkward and she won’t feel like a third wheel. Show your man a little extra love this night. Adorn him with kisses, squeeze him up—girl, just be all up in his face! In the midst of all the lovey-dovey moments, watch your friend’s reaction to all the action. If you catch glimpses of pure disgust (and not the usual get-a-room face), along with nasty looks and green eyes, then Bingo! You’ve caught her slippin’.

There’s no way to excuse it. If you’re with a good man who’s treating you right and everyone around you knows you’re happy, then there’s no way a genuine friend would be repulsed by your contentment. She should be happy that you’re happy, not shooting your man down, bad-mouthing him around town, or condemning your relationship. So if this sounds like someone you know, maybe you need to reconsider calling this person a friend.

14 Things That Can Make Us Jealous Besides Another Woman

August 29th, 2013 - By Julia Austin
Share to Twitter Email This
"couple fussing pf"

Shutterstock

Does your man think he’s in the clear just he doesn’t flirt with other women? There are plenty of ways guys can make their girlfriends jealous, that aren’t as obvious as texting an ex.

Last Of The Single Ladies: How I Looked Around & All My Friends Were Married

July 10th, 2013 - By Dee Rene
Share to Twitter Email This

black-woman-dancing-2

Out of nowhere I was the only one. I was the only one on the dance floor giving it my ALL and flaunting my empty ring finger (per the video) to Beyonce’s Single Ladies. I looked around and all my friends could no longer join me. Their ring fingers were occupied and a sad thought crossed my mind as I took down my hands from the “this is my jam” pose – am I the last of the Single Ladies?

It seemed like only yesterday we were reciting the same single woman struggle about not finding a good man or keeping one. Having good girlfriends as an adult is like living out the Babysitter’s Club but with wine. You feel like an invincible army clinging to each other for support and refuge.  And yet one by one they’d started to drop off.  Saturdays became date nights and Sundays for meeting the family. We’d long since retired our need for partying every weekend, but now even the times spent at the kitchen table eating carbs and discussing blog articles were few and far in between. I have multiple groups of friends like any adult and I would still argue 98% of my closest friends are taken, married, engaged or pregnant. Friends that were already busy are now filling in their free time with falling in love.

And then there’s me.

There’s a meme floating around that says “Everyone is discussing babies and marriage, I’m just over here like I LOVE cake.” It is incredibly appropriate. I understood just how sure my status as the last single friend was when I found myself on a Saturday “doing me.” Which really means I was on Youtube for 5 hours learning how to ombre, marble nail art, and turn a tshirt into a necklace. When all your friends are out falling in love, you pretty much have to find new hobbies. I’ve started at least 2 new workout plans and I may or may not know the choreography to Body Party like the back of my hand. Myself and I have gone on several movie dates and fancy dinners. I won’t even mention how many new natural hair styles I’ve tried. I found myself on the devil known as Facebook and had a mini meltdown.

I remember when we’d all been stuck in loving and losing. And now they’d loved and won. Yet somehow I missed that memo. I love my friends. I am happy for my friends. But was I jealous of my friends?

There’s an old episode of Girlfriends where Joan breaks down during Toni’s wedding. She could no longer hide that while happy for her friend, she was incredibly depressed about her own love life (or lack thereof). I feel her pain. It’s not jealousy that makes you congratulate another engagement and sigh a bit on the inside. I can be incredibly happy for you and consciously unsatisfied about my own love life.

As the last single woman you begin to wonder – when is my turn? I don’t want their happiness. I know they deserve joy given how many times I’ve held their hand when it’s gone wrong. I just want my own happy ending and it’s sometimes difficult to embrace the fact that chapter hasn’t started in my book yet. I’ve got enough sticky note empowerment quotes on my mirror to remind me that what is for me is for me and love will come someday. I guess no one ever mentioned how far away someday could feel.

Before the thoughts of being the cat lady consume me, I meet up with friends and hear tales of dirty diapers, bills, and discuss the difference between vanilla and mother-of-pearl colored napkins. When I hear the married/relationship struggles I remember this single life isn’t all bad. When I decide to get up and chop off my hair and move to Peru there’s nobody stopping me. No other feelings or schedules to consider. No fear that my dream may be compromised for the sake of his or the children. No, I get to live this life until the wheels fall off and maybe just maybe crash into love along the way. For now, I learn to congratulate my friends and sigh a little less on the inside. I breathe a sigh of relief and remember the grass isn’t always greener. Every stage of our life has new challenges and it’s important not to miss where you are thinking too hard about where you want to be.

In the meantime I thrust and shake my hips to the beat in my living room. When Queen Bey calls for all the single ladies I’ll be right there in line for now. Hands raised and waving like I’m on stage. Even if I’m the only one.

Dee Rene is the writer and creator of Laugh.Cry.Cuss. (relaunching August 1, 2013), a faith based blog that finds valuable lessons in pop culture and every day life. She is based in NYC. You can follow her or the blog on twitter @deerene_lcc @laughcrycuss or visit the site at http://laughcrycuss.com