All Articles Tagged "jealousy"
“A Man Would Suck On A Cow’s T*tty If The Cow Would Let Him. ” How To Remove Crazy Thoughts About Men
I made a comment recently saying, “No other person is a threat to us unless it’s violence.” Whether it’s your husband’s secretary, the cute guy working behind the reception counter at the gym, a the hot lady dancing near your husband on the dance floor and giving him the eye of interest, or a co-worker and so on, it seems that many women and men have moderate to high levels of jealousy regarding their spouses/partners.
Here are six examples of thinking patterns that support jealous thoughts and feelings:
- High-risk Thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, then my relationship is at risk, as they may steal them from me. All others are a risk to my relationship security.
- Fantasy Thinking: My partner will never find anyone more attractive than me, I will be his/her end all be all. He/she will never have interest in being with another sexually because they are completely fulfilled, aroused and satisfied by me; therefore, when he/she thinks differently than my fantasy, I am hurt, rejected and threatened.
- Fear/Self-Loathing Thinking: Oh, s/he is better looking than I, I am ugly/fat, of course my partner will want another, I know s/he’ll leave me for him/her. I hate her/him!
- All Men Thinking: All men lie and cheat, I should expect it. He looked over at her, I know he’ll cheat on me. A man would suck on a cows titty if the cow would let him.
- Backpack Thinking: My ex cheated, so I can’t trust that someone will be faithful. Even if my partner/spouse seems trustworthy, inside I don’t believe it. They’re guilty even if they haven’t stepped out (yet).
- Projection Thinking: Look at the attention they are giving to him/her, I bet he/she wants to sleep with them. I need to question, pry, spy and accuse, because I can’t let my partner know I’ve had thoughts of cheating on them.
Read more jealousy at YourTango.com
There’s always a slight hesitation that can come with making an announcement about big life changes. If you’re lucky most people around you will want to share in your happiness and genuinely support you on your journey whether you’re accepting a new career path, getting married or becoming a parent for the first time.
But as my Facebook friends profile pictures steadily change from partying to potty training or others find more fun in furnishing their homes than spending money on spring break vacations, I’ve noticed how difficult it is for others to deal with moments that are not about them. Whether I was getting engaged or graduating from college, out of all the people that were truly proud of me, there were always a few who wither needed to discredit me or “one-up” me.
I’ve always tried to live my life for me. I was a late-bloomer. I went to college when I felt ready, and “ready” didn’t happen until age 21. Of course I felt awkward when my peers were talking about their new roommates and studying on the quad while my days were spent slinging soft serve and cleaning the walk-in freezer as a Dairy Queen manager, but even in all my insecurity I knew I was doing what worked best for my life at that time.
Now as a new member of club thirties, I can physically feel the pressure that many of my peers face to have it altogether, but what I’m beginning to learn is that most people never feel like adults. Most of us are just winging it. What really makes you an adult is the ability to challenge yourself and do what needs to be done regardless of how terrified you are. Life never stops changing and never stops being scary whether you’re 14 or 44.
I think if more people realized this and learned to become comfortable with the natural flow of their lives, the better choices they would make and the less they’d feel the need to compete with everyone around them. Since I became engaged last summer, I can name at least three people in me and my fiancé’s lives that have rushed to put a ring on it as well. They’ve been in relationships for less than 6 months and suddenly decided they were ready to take that next step. They were quick to show off the rings that they had maxed out their Mastercard with and announce, “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! I can do it too.”
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I try to constantly humble myself regularly and not be quick to assume someone is jealous or adversarial. After all, coincidences happen. But the tackiest, most insecure thing someone can do is try to steal someone’s moment that they claim to care about. Some people get crazy uncomfortable when life isn’t about them and it’s sad. Everyone deserves a moment that is unapologetically about them. So don’t go pulling a “Best Man” and proposing at your best friend’s wedding. It’s not romantic, it’s tacky.
If you have a relative or a close friend that’s having a big life experience (getting married, having a baby, buying a house) if you can help it, don’t run to make a baby, get engaged, or put a down payment on a house you know damn well you can’t afford. Let them have their moment. Be the best supportive friend, brother or cousin you can be because when it’s your turn, you’ll get the same love back.
The only prize we get in this life is a tombstone and a fancy box with satin bedding. No one is going to be giving out trophies at your deathbed because you completed the checklist of being a real adult first.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
Soror Rachel just got engaged and her wedding will be in Austin, TX, taking place just two days prior to my freshman roommate Trish’s baby shower in Chicago. Of course, I have to cross my fingers and hope that those dates don’t conflict with the date of my twin sister’s grad school graduation from (*insert name of fancy university*).With all of these things on my plate, I’m just hoping it won’t interfere with me watching a new episode of Scandal…
At this point, if you’re like me, you may feel like should have accomplished more for yourself by now than just having good looks, a winning personality, a fancy degree (where my liberal arts folks at!?), your hopes, and being a gladiator for Olivia Pope. In your mid to late 20s, your peers have been making it rain fifties and hundreds at every social outing, while you frequently collect change from cushions and crevices so that you can fund a trip to the neighborhood bodega to buy a bag of UTZ sour cream and onion chips for dinner.
The Internet hasn’t helped either. It constantly updates you on every single life change and triumph that your peers encounter. Facebook and every other social media outlet have made everyone else’s advancements readily available for your consumption. After scrolling through your newsfeed, you feel like you’re still playing dress-up while everyone else is suited up for real. You may be happy for your friends and you can certainly “like” their actions on Facebook and Instagram, but it doesn’t make you a bad person for being a little over seeing it all.
Everyone that you know seems to be frying bigger fish and doing big things in their lives. You’re just finding your footing, and that makes you stressed about your future. Trust me, I can fully relate.
Top-tier careers, engagements, marriages, pregnancies, children, and/or benevolently living abroad while developing water irrigation systems and feeding the hungry children of Malawi–my peers seem to be doing it all. But there are two things I had to remind myself to do:
Relax, and breathe.
Life is not a race…even though it may feel like you’re always finishing last.
I learned that your peer’s success does not equal your failure, and if someone’s newsfeed is getting you down then you might need a break from social media in general. If other people’s happiness is making you feel left out, and affecting you on a basic level –destroying your mood one update at a time — then you should unplug. Stop reading about what other people are doing and work on yourself. Also, actively pursuing your own goals or even spending time to decide and pinpoint what your life goals are is just as valuable as achieving a goal.
There’s no satisfaction to be had when unfairly comparing yourself to someone who appears to be doing “better” than you. When you compare the worst aspects of yourself with someone’s best, it’s damaging to your sense of self – and it doesn’t help you accomplish your goals.
Additionally, you don’t really know the lives of the people that you’re comparing yourself to. You don’t know what struggles or difficulties they may be facing or what they had to overcome to get where they are. Their priorities may be completely different than yours and they may have made sacrifices that you wouldn’t be willing to make.
And hey, some of them could just be faking it like everyone else, in which case, you can’t compare yourself against inaccurate information. Many people are pretending that they’re more accomplished or happier than they actually are. And on top of that, nepotism isn’t just a word, it’s how a lot people are getting by nowadays. Knowing people, making connections and networking like it’s nobody’s business is getting a lot of people very far. Because a friend’s cousin’s sister’s nephew went to church with Jane Doe, they have an in, and you’re left feeling like you’re on the outs.
Try to make a list of your accomplishments, so that you can remind yourself of all that you’ve done and the things you want to do. Create a checklist that’s comprised of big things and small things, so that you’re always checking things off of your list. Do this so that you realize the importance of achieving conceivable small and big goals. And, finally, pace yourself. Take your time and enjoy your life. Incessantly obsessing about progression toward a large goal is like weighing yourself after every meal and hoping to have lost weight after each weigh in…we all know that things don’t work that way.
I learned one lie that I was taught was that “there’s no such thing as a stupid question.” Now, I’m all for trying to get clarification on things that have escaped your conventional wisdom, and wanting to know more. However, the adage rings false to me when someone approaches me with the: ”Why are you so happy all the time?” question. The reason why I get so annoyed is for a myriad of reasons, but I’ll break it down to two.
One, how in the crap am I supposed to answer that? ”Because.” ”I don’t know, I just am?” ”Um… I don’t know, why are you so bitter all of the time?” It’s a question setting you up for failure, because no answer is going to be satisfactory to the person with the gall to ask you. In fact, they’re not trying to get an answer from you, which leads to the next point.
The main issue isn’t the fact that these people are being drawn to my sunny demeanor and want to know the secrets of how to have a perma-smile on their face all day. (Which isn’t as great as you might think. My cheeks are usually a little sore at night). These people aren’t asking because they’re tired of being unhappy and they want to fix their thinking to be more optimistic. Most of the time when people are asking me this, it’s usually with a judgmental and condescending tone. They ask as if there’s something wrong with me for wanting to express my joy. Then, the more bold ones will try to “fix” me, with suggestions of personality adjustments.
Like, really? What is wrong with some people? Do you know what they remind me of? The Dementors from the Harry Potter series. These people are so uncomfortable around happiness and joy that they try to suck all it from you until you’re a sad, soulless being, just like them. In all honesty, most people aren’t worth the headaches that they give you. (See, I’m not joyful all the time.)
I never understood why people would want to make others feel guilty for happiness. Or make you feel rude for expressing it. Now, I’m not saying to go to funerals, hospices, or accident scenes and start singing “Joyful Joyful,” but if you’re feeling a certain way, express it. If you’re happy, show it.
Life is filled with multitudes of people, and each one is going to be filled with their own type of emotion. People might not always appreciate your happiness, but their side-eyes are worth it. The worst type of way to feel is the emotions that come with neglecting your own feelings, and suppressing them. That feeling is usually accompanied by allowing someone else’s sensibility of how you should behave to affect your own.
Let’s be honest about society right now, so many people can be comfortable in dysfunction, but uncomfortable around happiness. How people can make you feel as though there’s something wrong with you for enjoying more of your days, than the ones you discount is beyond me, but it happens.
I remember the days of feeling guilty for being so happy, and apologizing for it. But then, something hit me. STOP! Stop apologizing for it! You wanna know why? Because I was so unhappy for so many years. Trying to decipher the pain from my past, and the resulting consequences of my present and being so afraid of the future that my early years were a shroud of pain. Then one day, a glimmer of true joy came, and I never wanted to let it go. I embraced it, and loved it.
So now, when people ask me why I’m so happy, I stopped apologizing for it. Who cares if it makes them uncomfortable? Now, I just say, “because I earned it.” Every smile, every laugh, anytime that I was bold enough to click my heels in the air (it’s happened), I deserved, and I still do.
Dear reader, realize that if you’re happy, you earned that. Never let anyone make you feel guilty for it. Get over trying to figure out a way to justify your happiness so it makes sense to other people, because until they get to the point where they can truly embrace joy, you’ll never make sense to them anyway.
Kendra Koger is all smiles and the occasional tweeter @kkoger.
Kim Fields is opening up and gushing about her new life with two young children and thankfully, she has quite the helpful six year old.
Fields spoke with PEOPLE recently about how it’s been since giving birth two and a half weeks ago to her son Quincy and luckily for her, older son Sebastian is a huge help to his parents. She said:
“He’s so excited and overjoyed about being a big brother.
“Sebastian really has the heart of God. He loves to love and help. One day he told us, ‘Mommy, you and Daddy can sleep in. I’ll get Quincy’s beverages.’ He was very excited to be able to teach Quincy the things that he knows.”
Okay, that’s totally sweet. So far, she says Sebastian hasn’t shown any signs of jealousy. She added that she and her husband Christopher spent a lot of time with him making sure he understood their love for him would not go away just because there would be another child in the home:
We did a lot of prepping with him early on to let him know it’s not a competition — the baby does not decrease him in any way. We were clear in that and let him know there’s no difference.”
Hopefully, Sebastian can stay that way because even at six years old, he can help them quite a bit. But you never know with kids and how they’ll react down the line.
Don’t you love when kids want to be involved? Sweet.
With the ubiquity of loose women spreading their goods all around, and doggish men chasing every bone they can get, it can be hard to find a good companion and maintain a healthy relationship. But when you finally find that one; that man who makes you feel like you are the only woman in the world (not to be corny), one who erases the pain caused by all the guys you knew before him, you’re like a cop in a donut shop: happy as all hell! And boy, do some people hate to see you in relationship bliss…
They get in your ear, repeating rumors and telling you everything they heard your man did with this one, that one, and the third. But when one of those envy-filled, joy-snatching naysayers happens to be a friend, then things can get messy.You’d think that those closest to you would want nothing but the best for you. Well, unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way. So how can you tell if one of your best buds is also one of your top haters?
If everything that comes out of honey child’s mouth regarding your man is a negative remark, chances are, she’s jealous. Now I know our friends can be a little hard on the people we date in the beginning; throwing jabs, analyzing their behavior and doing everything they can possibly think of to test them out. But if your friend is always coming down on your beau for no good reason at all, then there’s something more than innocent good-friend motives possibly fueling her negativity. Just say his name and she’s rolling her eyes and her teeth, looking like her arch-nemesis just crashed her party. You can damn near feel her blood boil and see steam blowing from her ears. And when she’s dogging your relationship and/or your man to other people, it’s really clear that she has a problem. Yeah, it’s true that your friends will not always like who you date, and she may genuinely not like your man as a person. But he’s in a relationship with you, not her. And if she was a real friend, then she would hold her tongue and tame her animosity for the sake of your happiness.
But if you really want to know if your homegirl (or boy) is praying for your relationship’s downfall, observe her behavior the next time you’re around you’re boyfriend. Invite a group of friends over for a game night, or plan a fun get-together at your favorite restaurant or bar—whatever you do, make sure there is a group of people around so when you get into action with your boo, it’ll be less awkward and she won’t feel like a third wheel. Show your man a little extra love this night. Adorn him with kisses, squeeze him up—girl, just be all up in his face! In the midst of all the lovey-dovey moments, watch your friend’s reaction to all the action. If you catch glimpses of pure disgust (and not the usual get-a-room face), along with nasty looks and green eyes, then Bingo! You’ve caught her slippin’.
There’s no way to excuse it. If you’re with a good man who’s treating you right and everyone around you knows you’re happy, then there’s no way a genuine friend would be repulsed by your contentment. She should be happy that you’re happy, not shooting your man down, bad-mouthing him around town, or condemning your relationship. So if this sounds like someone you know, maybe you need to reconsider calling this person a friend.
Does your man think he’s in the clear just he doesn’t flirt with other women? There are plenty of ways guys can make their girlfriends jealous, that aren’t as obvious as texting an ex.
Out of nowhere I was the only one. I was the only one on the dance floor giving it my ALL and flaunting my empty ring finger (per the video) to Beyonce’s Single Ladies. I looked around and all my friends could no longer join me. Their ring fingers were occupied and a sad thought crossed my mind as I took down my hands from the “this is my jam” pose – am I the last of the Single Ladies?
It seemed like only yesterday we were reciting the same single woman struggle about not finding a good man or keeping one. Having good girlfriends as an adult is like living out the Babysitter’s Club but with wine. You feel like an invincible army clinging to each other for support and refuge. And yet one by one they’d started to drop off. Saturdays became date nights and Sundays for meeting the family. We’d long since retired our need for partying every weekend, but now even the times spent at the kitchen table eating carbs and discussing blog articles were few and far in between. I have multiple groups of friends like any adult and I would still argue 98% of my closest friends are taken, married, engaged or pregnant. Friends that were already busy are now filling in their free time with falling in love.
And then there’s me.
There’s a meme floating around that says “Everyone is discussing babies and marriage, I’m just over here like I LOVE cake.” It is incredibly appropriate. I understood just how sure my status as the last single friend was when I found myself on a Saturday “doing me.” Which really means I was on Youtube for 5 hours learning how to ombre, marble nail art, and turn a tshirt into a necklace. When all your friends are out falling in love, you pretty much have to find new hobbies. I’ve started at least 2 new workout plans and I may or may not know the choreography to Body Party like the back of my hand. Myself and I have gone on several movie dates and fancy dinners. I won’t even mention how many new natural hair styles I’ve tried. I found myself on the devil known as Facebook and had a mini meltdown.
I remember when we’d all been stuck in loving and losing. And now they’d loved and won. Yet somehow I missed that memo. I love my friends. I am happy for my friends. But was I jealous of my friends?
There’s an old episode of Girlfriends where Joan breaks down during Toni’s wedding. She could no longer hide that while happy for her friend, she was incredibly depressed about her own love life (or lack thereof). I feel her pain. It’s not jealousy that makes you congratulate another engagement and sigh a bit on the inside. I can be incredibly happy for you and consciously unsatisfied about my own love life.
As the last single woman you begin to wonder – when is my turn? I don’t want their happiness. I know they deserve joy given how many times I’ve held their hand when it’s gone wrong. I just want my own happy ending and it’s sometimes difficult to embrace the fact that chapter hasn’t started in my book yet. I’ve got enough sticky note empowerment quotes on my mirror to remind me that what is for me is for me and love will come someday. I guess no one ever mentioned how far away someday could feel.
Before the thoughts of being the cat lady consume me, I meet up with friends and hear tales of dirty diapers, bills, and discuss the difference between vanilla and mother-of-pearl colored napkins. When I hear the married/relationship struggles I remember this single life isn’t all bad. When I decide to get up and chop off my hair and move to Peru there’s nobody stopping me. No other feelings or schedules to consider. No fear that my dream may be compromised for the sake of his or the children. No, I get to live this life until the wheels fall off and maybe just maybe crash into love along the way. For now, I learn to congratulate my friends and sigh a little less on the inside. I breathe a sigh of relief and remember the grass isn’t always greener. Every stage of our life has new challenges and it’s important not to miss where you are thinking too hard about where you want to be.
In the meantime I thrust and shake my hips to the beat in my living room. When Queen Bey calls for all the single ladies I’ll be right there in line for now. Hands raised and waving like I’m on stage. Even if I’m the only one.
I remember the first time I ended a toxic relationship. I was completely elated. You couldn’t tell me nothing. After spending a little more than a year with this horrible guy, I felt like I was in a situation where I could finally heal, and like Nene, I was about to get my “happy back.” That was, until (when I was still a participant of Facebook) I signed into my account and saw that the ex that I thought I had blocked was in my suggested friends–him a picture of his new fiancee.
I was not only taken aback by the fact that he had a new girl, but why did I even care? This guy who was horrible to me, used me, lied to me, why did I care that he was with someone else? I knew I didn’t want him back. I was so sure of that, but why did I feel a certain way about it? So, I did what any confused person would do, I snooped. Saw the name of his financee and tried to see what her Facebook page said. I felt like Spongebob, ready to soak up as much information as I could and I probably looked extra goofy doing it. But, I was hit with a wall; her page could only be seen by confirmed friends. When I began to seriously consider sending her a friend request, I decided to have an intervention.
Meeting up with my friends in the lunch room I had to ask them, “What is wrong with me?”
Seeing an ex move on before you can be a very jarring experience. Those feelings that you had can come up like a shaken up soda can and then just mess up your current life. But that feeling is impacted the moment you think this toxic ex seems to be treating his new boo better than he did you.
That’s what I was dealing with. This was the same guy, who if people saw us together would say: ”Nah, that’s just my friend” has this girl in his profile pic, proclaiming her. What did I do that was wrong? Why did I get the short end of the stick? What did she do better than I did? What does she have that I don’t? The feelings of inadequacy were so strong. I already went through the harsh moments of beating myself up for staying with this guy for so long who did me so dirty; but then to feel like I was the starter relationship? The try out for how to be in a real relationship, and how far you can get with treating a girl badly?
Then it was that feeling of being duped and jealousy mixed together. No, I didn’t want him, but at the same time I felt like I held so tightly to the part of the gentleman that he was that first attracted me to him, that ended out to be just an act. Then to find out that his new girl was getting that same “gentleman,” but in a larger dose, killed me. I didn’t feel like I had ownership to him, but I mentally wanted to hold on to that, to remind myself that I might have been dumb for staying with him, but I wasn’t dumb for falling for him.
Once I began to question if I was worthy of real love that’s when I had to shut myself down. At the end, I know that even if he is with someone else, it’s better that we’re not together, and even if I had to physically write down the reasons why we shouldn’t have been together and put them on my mirror, that’s what I had to do. But I had to learn that I’m better than accepting what I was getting. Even if he’s with someone else, being by myself will always be better than romanticizing a dysfunctional relationship.
Kendra Koger is capable of loving her twitter account; and you should too, @kkoger.
No one goes into a relationship with the thought that they will fall out of love. But, in some relationships, love just doesn’t last a lifetime. While you may still care about the person you’re in a relationship with or were in a relationship with, looking at things now, you realize that the love you once had is gone. If you don’t understand why, here are a few likely reasons.