All Articles Tagged "communicating"
Men can be just as sneaky as women. They speak in metaphors all the time. In fact, they prefer them to straight out telling you what changes they want made. And usually, they’ll use another couple as a reference point to send you a subtle signal. Here are common things your man might say about another couple, and what he’s trying to tell you.
Cash. Dough. Bread. Dosh. However you name it, money is a delicate topic to discuss with anyone, and things can get rather precarious when talking about it with your partner. Before you find yourself surprised at discovering that your lover would like to sign a prenuptial agreement three months into your marriage, here are nine financial topics that you should talk about with him/her in the early stages of your relationship:
It’s said communication is key to a successful relationship, but when we think communication, many of us think about talking. But that’s only half of it. If you feel your relationship is a safe and welcoming environment for you to talk, that’s because your partner is a good listener. If you’re struggling to owe him the same respect, here are 14 behaviors and exercises to keep in mind when your partner wants to open up to you.
By Ms. Kristina Marchant
Society has sent women the message that having needs makes us “too much” for men. We have been told that wanting more time with a man or needing his affection makes us clingy and neurotic. This isn’t true. Just because we crave a human connection doesn’t mean that we are going to drown a man in all of our needs.
Men actually love providing. They love to hear our needs and supply them. It’s just a question of how you ask and how he feels about you. If you are asking the wrong way, then he will feel annoyed. If he doesn’t love you and you let him treat you badly, then he will be annoyed with your needs. Doormats don’t have needs; women do.
There is nothing wrong with needing love, touches, tender words, more together time and a commitment if the time has come for one. You just have to be clear about what your needs are, and not reward him if he doesn’t provide. What do I mean by not rewarding him? You shouldn’t, for example, tell him you miss him and then not hear from him, only to start sending him loving texts when you panic two days later because he hasn’t called.
Those texts are a reward for bad behavior. They send him the message, “Treat me poorly, I respond more lovingly when you do.” A man doesn’t want to be with a woman who comes closer with poor treatment. If he doesn’t provide, you can’t go to him for reassurance. It’s so hard to ask for something and then not get it. It makes us feel the gap in the relationship even more, and our female instinct is to shorten that gap and cling to him.
Doing this will only give him the power, and make him think it’s okay to treat you like a doormat. You have to let him come to you and make good on his mistake, even if it’s really tough to “sit on your hands” and wait for him. Being clear and firm is important to him. A woman who feels needy to a man is a woman who is too afraid to directly speak her needs and politely and demurely demand accountablility.
Read more about how to effectively communicate your needs to the right man on YourTango.com.
*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.
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As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a very nice person. That causes some people to believe that I’m an easy target for malicious behavior and crazy talkings-to. However, they always learn the error of their ways, because I’ve been taught to always speak up for and defend myself. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that keeping things in can cause people to snap, say things that they regret, or act out in anger. All that can lead to burning bridges with people. However, as I’ve learned to speak up, I still have problems communicating during the times I feel like I need to the most.
I love my family and friends, so when they do something to hurt me, I tend to not say anything. Hoping that the pain will fade, and that I’ll be able to forget what just happened, I sometimes find myself suffering in silence. I’ll remind myself that I’m not perfect, and I’ve hurt others, or that I should pick and choose my battles to protect the important relationships in my life. So I would stuff my feelings down, and try to ignore them to keep the peace. I realized that I did that to protect their feelings; however, I wasn’t caring about my own. I love my family, but their solution to unpleasant incidents in life is to “just let it go.” Now, I’m all for “letting things go,” but you shouldn’t ignore your feelings. If you’re feeling hurt, feel that. If you’re feeling sad, it’s okay to feel sad. Don’t ignore your feelings, but don’t stew in them.
Telling people to “just get over it,” can sometimes come off as extremely passive, dismissive, and honestly selfish. It comes off as I don’t want to deal with you or your feelings, so just get over it. Especially when people are able to unload their grievances on you, about you, but won’t allow you a chance to say how you feel (“Just let it go!”)
Just “letting go” of the situation, and not addressing it when you feel that it is hurting you can cause you to lash out verbally to make that perpetrator of hurt, feel the same pain you’ve been feeling, or more. You find that when you finally do address a problem, you’re not exploding about the issue that just happened, but you’re exploding from all of the past incidences that you’ve ignored, feelings of pain that you’ve shrouded in denial, and anger that has been stewing internally.
It reminds me of a story that an aunt once told me: A father took his little boy, who had a history of saying hurtful things to people, to the backyard. He handed his son a piece of wood and some nails. He instructed his son that for the next week that whenever he was angry and wanted to say something hurtful, to go outside, grab his nails and a hammer and hammer a new nail into his chunk of wood. A week passed and the boy and his father went to examine the wood. After they both removed all the nails the father showed his son all of the holes. ”You see how that even after you remove the nails how the holes are still there? That’s how it is when you say hurtful things to people. You hammer a new nail in, and even after you apologize by pulling it out, you’re still leaving a hole there.”
I’m saying all of this to tell you that before you get to the point of wanting to “hammer a nail into some wood,” don’t suffer in silence. Express your feelings before they get out of hand and you’re blowing up. Now, I’m not saying that every little issue needs to be dissected and discussed, but if it’s something that’s causing you inner turmoil, try to address it in a non-confrontational way. If the person that you want to address is closed off to communication, do something that will help you express yourself. Whether you have to write a letter to them and not send it, just write it down to get it all out, do a kick boxing course to get that aggression out, or do something creative, the important thing is to embrace how you feel. Don’t be ashamed or let anyone make you ashamed for having feelings. You have feelings for a reason, just don’t hide from them.
Now, if you’re a person who is, like the wood, full of holes because of the hurtful things that people have said or done to you, know that there is healing for those wounds. If the balm is addressing each wound, then do it. If the balm is counseling, seek it. Remember that you are important, especially the feelings that you feel. By just ignoring them you are keeping yourself captive to the tumultuous things in your past. So please, don’t suffer in silence, and let it blow! Once you do that, then you can finally be able to “just let it go!”
Kendra Koger has been removing nails and trying to avoid nailing them in the first place. Follow her on twitter @kkoger.
Here’s a little unknown fact about me, I grew up with a speech impediment. I used to have a stuttering problem, which really began to suck, because I felt like I had so much to say, but people would get frustrated listening to me. Something that would take other people a few seconds to say would take me a few minutes. I began to get a rush out of conversations, my sisters became my interpreters and would have to become almost clairvoyant so they could tell people what I wanted in a shortened way. I actually had an uncle who would feel sorry for me when I was talking, and if he rushed me off he would come back and give me some money to make up for it. For years my pockets were loaded with guilt money, which was great for buying candy, but not for helping my verbal skills.
After going to a speech specialist when I was in preschool, I’ve been able to talk without stuttering… even though it tries to rear it’s ugly head whenever I get too flustered (hey, I think it’s cute, but wha-wha-wha-whatever). But an upside to not being able to speak correctly was that I was able to hone my listening skills. While people avoided conversations with me (how sad is that?), I would listen to conversations and arguments and would be able to see both sides. However, I did begin to notice a few things that baffled me about communication. A lot of arguments can be avoided if people adhered to the simple understandings of what true communication is. To me, communication is like a four way stop; it’s a breeze when all the parties participating know how to work it, but can be dangerous if people jump the gun. So to you, you amazing Madame Noire readers, here are a few things I would like to share about communication.
There is a difference between hearing and listening.
Have you ever been in a heated discussion (because you’re too classy to argue) and you make your point, and the person who is verbally combating you, says their side, and then you do your confused head tilt because you’re thinking: ”Wait, I just said that!” (And if that never happened, maybe I’m talking about you…) The person in question clearly wasn’t listening.
According to dictionary.com, one of the definitions of hearing is “the act of perceiving sound,” and listening is: ”give attention with ear… to pay attention.” Listening is an action, whereas hearing is passive. To better understand, see it this way: you might hear a song while you’re in a restaurant eating, but are you listening to it? Just because you hear what a friend is saying, are you really comprehending it?
So now that you know the difference, let’s take it a step further…
Listen to what a person is saying, instead of waiting for your turn to speak.
Oh, I feel your pain, this person just said or did something and you GOT something for them! You’ve got a verbal backhand in your mind, and all you’re doing is waiting for them to shut their mouth so you can put some baby powder on it and smack them with it! Well, before you do that, consider holding off your attack.
Don’t get me wrong, everyone has a point and their feelings are valid, but a lot of times, a lot of strife in communication is due to people just waiting for their turn to speak. They allow hurt and anger to stop them from listening to what’s being said to them and in turn their comments are not only unhelpful to the conversation, but they might continue to beat a dead horse. If you just listen to a person you might be able to understand their point, or you’ll be able to have an actual conversation with them instead of making some random comment that sets the conversation back ten minutes.
My best friend likes this guy that she works with but she can’t manage to muster up the courage to even say hello to him. Meanwhile, another man, who she’s totally not feeling is all up in her face but she has no problems cordially communicating with him.
Aarggh! So frustrating, right? This one story represents so many situations. When it comes to men, we have no problem talking to the one we can’t stand but struggle to mutter a simple greeting to the ones we’d really like to get to know.
If you’re a woman like this, check out these tips and tricks to learning how to talk to men at Your Tango.com.
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