You’re About To Get Blocked: I’m All For Pursuit and Persistence, But How Much is Too Much?

October 18, 2013 ‐ By Stacy Ann Ellis

thirsty feat

By the fourth phone call, I already knew I was never going to call back. It was 8 a.m. when I woke up to the first message from Mr. Man From The Party Last Night. “Wassup,” it read. I still had no idea what his name was and it was too early to text anyone other than my parents, so I rolled back over to sleep. Naturally, during the course of dreaming and snoring, the text escaped my mind and before I knew it, it was 6 p.m. As I was about to start my work shift, I got a call from the same unsaved New York number. While I felt bad for forgetting to text him back, I had too much work and not enough time for a phone conversation. I’ll get back to him tomorrow… I thought to myself as I let the call go to voicemail. When I heard my ringtone three more times in the next three hours, annoyance started to kick in. Dude, obviously I’m unavailable tonight.

By the end of his spree, he’d left a message, and a creepy one at that. “After you give me such a good dance last night, so nice, so sweet, so s*xy, you don’t answer your phone. What kinda ting is that?” he mused in a thick Jamaican accent. “It’s meee. Call me back,” he finished after repeating his number and gushing three more times about the “amazing” dance I gave him (it was a party and reggae and Soca were playing, I promise it wasn’t anyone’s strip tease). At that point, my feelings of irritation turned to those of discomfort, and I swiftly saved him in my phone as “NO. Scary Jamaican Man” (Disclaimer: I’m Jamaican, too). This was well over two weeks ago, and as of now, I’m on call number 16, none of which has ever been answered nor returned. Is the hint really that hard to miss? Or does he think that I’m playing hard to get? Either way, Mr. Man has thoroughly turned me OFF. As a shy girl, I’m cool with the idea of guys approaching me and the whole pursuit — I know it would take more than a couple tequila sours for me to be the initiator if someone caught my eye — but there’s a fine line between persistence and insanity. He pole vaulted over it.

Now be clear, I usually never go the ignore route when it comes to phone contact. I’m a peacemaker at heart and will usually sacrifice my personal feelings to avoid hurting someone else’s. I’m also just terrible at saying “no.” Rejection is a sucky feeling. But this time, I’m happy I followed my gut instinct to ignore those first few calls. “Doing too much” is a tell-tale sign that something’s a bit off about a guy, and it foreshadows what could be an obsessive courtship. If you’ll hound a woman whose whole name you don’t even know and face you couldn’t even clearly see, what on earth would it be like to be in a relationship with you? Maybe he’s needy. Maybe he’s controlling. Maybe he’s desperate. Maybe he’s after a green card and wants to hurry to the point of nuptials to get them (it happens!). Who knows, but I know I don’t intend on finding out.

Admittedly, I should’ve seen it coming before the number exchange even happened. One of my top party pet peeves (besides folks shoving through through crowds without saying “excuse me.” Ugh!) is when guys get carried away with their hands. You don’t have to caress my arm or the small of my back to pass me by. Please don’t misinterpret a dub (or grind, twerk, wine, juke or whatever you call it) as an opportunity for a personal touchy-feely session. I didn’t ask for all that. Just keep your hands on my hands or stationary on my hips unless I direct you otherwise. Anyway, Mr. Man tried it for a hot second before I swiftly repositioned his hands. I didn’t make a big whoop out of it because aside from that, he seemed like a nice guy. I just brushed it off, ended the dance, told him I was leaving, gave him my number and went on about my night. Little did I know all the small talk and G-rated compliments would get tossed out the window the very next day after four creepily consistent phone calls. Chile, never again.

I always joke with my friends that the reason I’m single is because I never mix ‘n’ mingle and swap info at parties. Well, this experience has been even more of a deterrent. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I personally can’t deal with the potential crazies lurking on these dance floors. Fellas, just be cognizant of your aggression when trying to connect (and reconnect) with someone who you think might be worth your while. Yes, pursue her, but do it in a way that won’t leave you as the subject of a scared woman’s essay. Don’t be pushy, clingy or obsessive (the same goes for us, ladies). Hit her up in a respectful manner, at a respectable hour and a reasonable amount of times before you give up. And sometimes it’s cool to do just that, give up. In time, the right one will answer. Because I promise you, blowing up her phone won’t get you anywhere but on a blocked calls list.

Stacy-Ann Ellis is a New York-based writer and photographer whose work has been featured in VIBE Magazine, VIBE Vixen, Hearts Converse, The Root and The Washington Post. Follow her on Twitter at @stassi_x

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  • Kristen

    I got tired of the club scene really soon after I became old enough to get in (thirsty dudes like this was the main reason). You can tell when you’re more of an object to someone than a person that they want to get to know. And we’re out of high school. If someone doesn’t return your call after a few days, drop it and forget about it!

  • frankjum12

    As a guy it works best to just keep it simple. When we get a # we should call about 2 or 3 days afterward but never on a Friday or Saturday unless said lady asks you to call her on one of those days.

    The simple rule fellas is if you call her 2 times and haven’t spoken to her yet then leave a message and ask her to call or text you back. If she doesn’t call you after that then fall back. It shouldn’t be a big deal either way. If you feel in your heart that you absolutely have to speak with her again either wait another week to call or do it when you see her in public again.
    My mom used to say it ain’t hard to tell if someone likes you. So don’t be in denial.

  • YoNess

    Blocked and old high school peer. We had a reunion and I was the organizer. He took the contact as a relationship and would email me the most creepy messages at 4 am continuing a conversation we never had. The straw was when he told me that he was thinking about relocating to my city. Strange thing is I do not remember ever talking to him in high school; the only way I know he was there was the yearbook photos. Apparently a decade long crush???? Creepy people are everywhere!!

  • Maureen Hallett

    I met someone just like that. Just a little to persistent for me. With out going into details I really believe that what it really boiled down to was that I was really just not that into him. I believe that if I was interested in him than it wouldn’t have bothered me. That’s just me keeping it real with myself.

  • bluekissess

    The thirst is real.

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