Don’t Mess With My Man: Is It Ever Really Okay To “Fight” Over A Man?

June 14, 2013  |

If you given up on daytime TV, you’ve fortunately missed the wig-snatching that is, “Is My Boyfriend Cheating With my Momma?” episodes of Jerry Springer. Well, you haven’t really missed anything; if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.  But maybe you did catch the quick Twitter beef that occurred between singer/socialite Teyana Taylor and Angela Simmons after Simmons was spotted on the NYC streets by the side of Brandon Jennings, Taylor’s Milwaukee Bucks’ player ex-boyfriend. Taylor posted a series of subtweets about betrayal, one listing, “Last night before bed I had an awesome meal I didn’t finish.  Wonder if she wants that too.”  Simmons failed to respond, but it got me thinking, why is it always so much easier to attack the other woman, and is it ever actually her fault?

Is it ever okay to fight over a man?  Most of the time the men that women are fighting over aren’t worth the energy, but I might throw down when it comes to disrespect.  Thirst has already reached inconceivable levels as the summer creeps closer and we all know there are some women who refuse to take no for an answer.  The thirstiest of them all take pride in getting a guy to cheat on his girlfriend so they can wear his infidelity like a badge of honor. For the most part if a woman is clearly overstepping her boundaries, your man should be shutting it down before you’re even aware there’s been a breach.  But sometimes you have to call people on their disrespect, whether it’s because they don’t realize they’re being disrespectful or to make them understand that you are not their personal doormat.

Take some of the following situations.  You’ve confided in your friend for months about how fine the personal trainer is at the gym you frequent and you’ve done everything short of straddling him on the weight bench to get his attention, but no official “let’s make a date” moves have been made.  Next thing you know your girlfriend is making strawberry banana smoothies for him at her place and you’re left wondering what the heck happened.  While you were making a play, your girl went for hers whether it’s because she couldn’t stand you getting any attention that she wasn’t or, as the most played out excuse of all time says, “It just happened.”  What about the co-worker who disrespectfully flirts with your guy right in front of your eyes?  Every time your guy visits you at work, here she comes bending over to pick up imaginary paper clips and smiling and giggling in his face (like a scene out of Baby Boy). Some women are well aware of what they’re doing and need to be checked accordingly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, before you take off your earrings or start text thugging, make sure your problem is a desperate female and not a disrespectful dude.  It can be easy to react to a situation when your emotions are running high, but make sure your hurt feelings aren’t a result of some misunderstanding or you just blaming someone else for your own shortcomings or weaknesses in a relationship.  If your man is unfaithful or if he’s flirting right back, you might need to have a conversation about what’s acceptable in your relationship before you go confronting other girls.  You don’t have to go snatching someone’s wig off on the Jerry Springer set, but for particularly parched females, disrespect needs to be addressed.

It amazes me how quick women are to throw away friendships they’ve had for years over a man they’ve only known for a couple of months.  Meanwhile, men are bonding over girls who have had a piece of the whole crew.  “Fighting” with another female over a man should only be something that happens after every other effort has been exhausted. Even then, no adult woman should be engaging in Facebook battles and throwing drinks in the club, especially over a man who has the nerve to be entertained by it all. Don’t be that girl on Cheaters who security has to clothesline to keep from attacking an unsuspecting female who just learn you existed.  Any man who is worth fighting over won’t allow you to do so.  Besides, there are too many shoe sales out there for us to go to war over to be getting “turnt up” over trifling men.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.  

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  • Ladybug94

    I don’t even have to read the article to answer this. It’s NEVER okay to fight over a man. If you win the fight but he really wants to be with the other person, what have you accomplished other than looking foolish.

  • Tehani


  • Rashida

    I expect my man to act accordingly. If he disrespects me, he won’t have to worry about ever seeing me again. I will be gone with the wind. It is up to him to check the women that may come on to him, not me.

  • Pivyque

    Unless you are defending yourself (and at that point it becomes about protecting yourself and not fighting over the man), then no.

    “Some women are well aware of what they’re doing and need to be checked accordingly.”

    Yeah, they need to be checked by the man, not me. He knows what is and isn’t appropriate. If a woman is flirting with him, he needs to shut it down.

  • Over U

    WOW! It was meant for me to check out Madame today! My ex of 10 years recently cheated on me with a co-worker he worked with that I knew from back in the day. We’ve been seperated for some months now so this is really a fresh start for me. We have children together so communication is something we have for them but he feels I should give him another chance for our Family. Really!! No Thanks! Were better off!
    You Reaping What You Sowed…
    His thirsty side piece has disrespected my children by asking question’s that a child should not be put in place of! If it’s not her saying it then her own child has something to say but I guess when you over hear grownup converstation’s, you learn to repeat! Our kids attend the same afterschool program so she looks at them as a way for me to SNAP BACK but when she is confronted, she denies it! Switching them some where else shouldn’t be an option due to this so called man and his thirsty piece but my kids are way more important! These type of thirsty females deserve a throw back to the face because you are not caring about no one but yourself and to place innocent children in the middle of it doesn’t make you any better. U can disrespect me all you want because you know that he say, she say isn’t my level but I have never in my life dealt with such a disrespectful female! He knows I refuse to fight over him or give either one of them my attention but when it comes to my children, I WILL lay hands & plus you DO & you WILL deserve every thing that is thrown at you! I guess thats why he’s wanting this Lovely Women back because as the saying goes……….
    You Miss It Once It’s Gone!!!!!

    • Bianca

      Wow. Girl this was definitely a blessing in disguise! He is really gonna crack up when you get a new man. Also, you KNOW it is killing him and her slowly to see you going about your business and not giving any f—ks! That new woman probably going through all types of hell with his other side chicks lol
      Best of luck and I hope she learn her place when it comes to your children.

  • To literally fight over a man. No that’s not happening not now not never. To check a breezy who is being a little too familiar with your husband. All day. Of course him cheating with her should not even be a remote possibility. Its the blatant disrespect you gotta address. And no Twitter and Facebook is not the place to do it.

    • Tamaika Jones

      I love how u said “HUSBAND”…too many women get the misconception that a man is HER piece of property because she has gone on a few dates and spread eagle. I think its ridiculous to fight over a man! boyfriend ,lover , booty call shoot even baby daddy, if he was worthy a woman coming between the two of u would not be a issue, there is way too much going on day to day trying to stay focused on goals of the future and keeping ur head above the water to worry about some trifling woman attempting to break a bond that was obviously non existent. Let a trick step to my husband, Houston we have a problem, and if I find out hes participating in extra marital activities then im steppin to him NOT her to make it clear not to play with my emotions or my cookie by messing round in the streets, too many diseases going around.

      • texastea

        Y’all women better fight over us! You know it ain’t that many of us to go around. Especially us brothers with a degree and a job. Y’all gon have to show us black men how much you want us. So get out them boxing gloves, put on that bikini, get baby oiled up and get in that ring! We wanna see it!!!!!!!!!! Show us how much you want us!

        • Gross. You’re type come a dime a dozen and therefore ain’t worth a broken nail.

      • Yes indeedy. Too many women fighting over bums who they are sharing with the neighborhood anyways.

  • Say What?

    There’s a difference between “fighting over a man” and “fighting a girl trying to take your man” the former is two delusional chicks fighting over a piece of scum that was creeping with the both of them. The second is simply fighting, arguing, etc a disrespectful chick who tries to step to your man through no fault of the man himself. While I don’t really condone fighting as I believe adults should be able to settle their disputes without violence, some people really do just ask for it. I’ve seen messy chicks purposely call men in the middle of the night to get them in trouble, stop by because they “happen to be in the neighborhood”, etc. That sort of disrespect is asking for someone to forcefully remove your lace front!

    • Tisha

      Why do those messy chicks have his number?

      • Say What?

        They work together, they know one another from friend because they hang in the same circle, etc. They have legitimate reasons for knowing each other, but they’re triffling.

  • hollyw

    Lol fabulous (and entertaining) article! I agree, 9.9 times out of 10, there’s really no point to fighting over a guy, but I have had to ‘stake my territory’ for a few chicks, esp. after they’ve had one too many. Drunk girls are like kryptonite to them!

    Some women will use alcohol for any, and I mean ANY mistake they make, but they sho’ sober up real quick when they get the Death Gaze for hanging on ya man a little too much for, ie. balance, brushing his chest, neck, and/or pants in the process… O.O

    Guuurl, you almost died tonight!