Did He Play You, Or Did You Play Yourself?

November 13, 2012  |  



Ladies, how many times have you heard from a man that you are currently dating, currently sleeping with, or a man you think you’re dating say to you that he only wants to be friends, he’s not looking for an exclusive relationship, or that he does not want to be married? How many times have you heard the phrases “I’m not ready to settle down just yet”, “I know you’re a good woman but…”, or “I think we should just be friends” after you have engaged in a plethora of relationship-like activities?

Why is it that when a man is honest about what he does and does not want in a relationship (if he wants a relationship at all) we don’t take to head and heart what he is saying? Why is it that we hear these phrases and other words, but in most cases we don’t really listen to what the man is really saying? Is it because we want to hear and believe something else? Or is it because we believe we can change his mind about wanting a relationship?

When a man makes it clear that he does not want an exclusive relationship with one woman, why do we as intelligent women settle for less than what we want and move forward with a man who does not want the same thing? Why do we play ourselves and lead ourselves on by engaging in monogamous relationships with men who don’t want relationships? The answer is simple… in most cases we subconsciously believe that all good men are taken, that there is a shortage of men to have productive relationships with, and we want to keep a man that we are involved with because we are afraid that if we let him go our chances of getting married will become more narrow.

When two people are intensely involved with each other it is easy to do and say things that feel right to keep the excitement going. However, what most people (women in particular) fail to realize is that only one person views the involvement as a relationship (unless otherwise stated and discussed), while the other person has in their mind that’s it not. Ladies if it is your desire to have a relationship with the potential for marriage then you should get involved with men who want the same. I know it may seem as though a man you are involved with want the same things you want, but that may not be the case. A few ways you can avoid playing yourself in a relationship are:

  • Talk to him about his views on monogamy and marriage to see if you are on the same page. Many people skip this step in relationships, but this is one of the most important steps! Why? Because this is the time where both people discuss their expectations of each other with each other and whether or not they both agree to move forward. Don’t’ play yourself!
  • Don’t believe every man you meet is the one. So many women are so desperate to be married they believe every man that takes them to dinner, or every man that has an interest in them is the one they are destined to marry. While every man has a purpose in your life, every man is not the man that was created for you. Don’t’ play yourself!
  • Look more into his actions rather than listening to his words. Ladies this is so important! A man can tell you that you are the one he is going to marry…he can even take you ring shopping! But if he does not propose marriage to you on bended knee with ring in hand, his words are just words and it is up to you whether you believe him or not. Don’t play yourself!
  • If he’s honest with you about what he wants, and it’s not what you want, don’t be upset and don’t try to change his mind. Move on gracefully as being his friend, or move on without him. But be mindful that if you choose to move forward with him as his friend remember that the relationship can easily drift into something more that only you may want.  Don’t play yourself!
  • Establish standards of your own and keep them. Establishing standards for yourself will allow you to stay focused on your relationship goals and won’t allow you to settle for anything less than what you deserve. Don’t’ play yourself!

Ladies it is easy for us to get caught up in a man, who he is and what he has to offer, but if we don’t want our hearts to be broken and get caught up in dead end relationships then we must take the time to know the status of a relationship we are involved with from both parties’ perspectives. Don’t allow a man to play you in a relationship, and don’t play yourself either.

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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  • a lot of times we play ourselves. we ignore the red flags and hope that he will change or we can change him. i talk about all of this and more in my new ebook on Amazon titled Straight No Chaser. check it out!

  • Machelle Kwan

    This article is the Truth. I don’t get played by men because I don’t get into relationships with men anymore. After some heartbreaks you realize most of them are the same. As sad as it sounds, the best ones probably are already taken. But that’s no reason to sit around being mistreated by some Mr. Wrong.

    • They aren’t taken. You just have to really filter the losers early and at the first sign your intuition gives that nudge that something isn’t Kosher with buddy.

  • lovelylady28

    This is very true! Men are VERY different when it comes to RELATIONSHIPS. Some men will drag you as far as he can (if you let him) in a relationship to AVOID breaking things off with you to spare you any heart ache, disappointment and shame. If you are dating a man for over ceratin time period despite how intense you feel about him. Never settle for shacking up or having a child with him without becoming his wife first. I know it is a challenge for some to abstain from premarital sex but you have to work hard to hold on to your values and your heart desires of becoming a wife. If you and the person you are with are not on one accord when it comes to the seriousness of the relationship. I would exit the relationship gracefully without wasting anymore of my time. Some women believe that if they have a baby or move in with a man that will make him marry you faster in fact it actually delays marriage. I have been married for almost two years and I was cold blooded when I was dating. I did not put up with any foolishness from any man period. I knew my values and virtues, I knew what I was bringing to the table and I was not going to let any knuckle head man waste my time or experience the benefits of having me without getting a 100% from him in return. Accept the the truth it will set you free!!!

    • Most women just need a better screening process. If they did a better job of cutting loose they never-gonna-commits, the let’s-wait -and-sees, and the just straight up users and focused and gave their time and affection to those men who are genuinely are interested in making a life with them they could save themselves a lot of headache.

      This is also called putting that pu**Y on ice with a dude until you have determined he is someone deserving of it.

  • Candacey Doris

    Some times a man is telling you he doesn’t want to go for marriage but acting like it’s going somewhere. Sometimes you have to just flat out ask him what he wants and take him at face value. This only works if he’s not a liar though.

    • Or you could let him know that you see marriage in your future and only want to date men who are on the same page. If he says anything less than I’m all for marriage with the right one then you go ahead and give him the pink slip. You shouldn’t be investing months and years into a man and NOT know if he is inclined to marry you. That’s craziness.

      • Candacey Doris


  • GirlSixx

    “Look more into his actions rather than listening to his words
    Read more” hmmmmmmm, ya see back in the day I would’ve co-signed this but these new form of emotionally unavailable brothas out here today in 2012, I will have to say BE VERY CAREFUL at looking more into his actions because alot of sisters are getting caught off guard with this BS. A man can tell you HE DOESN’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP but yet HE DOES RELATIONSHIP TYPE THINGS WITH YOU, hanging out, quality time, sleeping over and such and then you get caught up thinking “Oh okay, we go together now” when in reality HE still seems himself as single.. you know why? because HE TOLD you verbally that he didn’t want a relationship. So my rule of thumb is A man’s Actions AND Words SHOULD BOTH ALIGN with each other if you want to better gauge what’s really going on. If he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship ALTHOUGH he giving you GF privileges and passes TAKE HEED don’t forgot what he originally said and vice versa… *My0.03Cents*

    • Or you can treat him like y’all two are just kicking it. Don’t allow him to spend the night EVER! Don’t rearrange your life to accommodate him, continue to “kick it” with other men and make sure he is CLEARLY aware that you are doing so, do not invest girlfriend/wifey time energy and mostly importantly emotions into someone who just wants to keep ish casual. Trust me, if homeboy truly likes you and sees that you are indifferent and that he can’t have all of you without a proper commitment that tune changes from “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” to, “I don’t want you talking to anybody else because I’m your man.” Trust me it works and you can take that to the bank.

  • My rule of thumb is anytime your actions are coming from a place of fear; it will not turn out good. This means fear of not being able to get (a)another man.
    Fear of not having enough money>> leads to actions of theft, greed, and hoarding.
    Fearing that people don’t like you and are out to get you>>> leads to manifestation of the very thing you were afraid of….Always
    All your worst actions (and we all have done them) come from this place. The complete opposite of fear is LOVE. For some reason, those people who never worry about if they will have their hearts desires in whatever form, always do get them


    Ok, got your point. Why do men want to be with a woman and he’s not ready for a serious relationship?!? One word “pu$$y”

    • AmyFinehouse

      definitely! and other benefits…a ride, a place to stay, home cooked food…a man will play along with whatever he can get away with for as long as possible just to reap the benefits. Start cutting off the punnany supply and other perks and he’ll show how he truly feels about you.

      • TRUTH IS

        Yup, it’s a crying shame!!! And what most women want is unconditional love, thats it!!!

      • GirlSixx

        “Start cutting off the punnany supply and other perks and he’ll show how he truly feels about you”

  • AmyFinehouse

    “in most cases we subconsciously believe that all good men are taken, that there is a shortage of men to have productive relationships with, and we want to keep a man that we are involved with because we are afraid that if we let him go our chances of getting married will become more narrow.”

    the message is so strong, i had to highlight this. So many women are in this situation, being faithful to a man who is single. Women need to be honest with what they truly want out of a situation and not try to convince a man to be with them…..If he wanted to wife you, he would. If he wanted to be your man, he would. And if he wanted to claim you as HIS, he would shout it from the rooftops. If he tells you from the jump that he doesnt want a relationship, that just means he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

    • TRUTH IS

      I wish can can triple “like” this!!

    • SheBe

      *waves church fan*

      • TRUTH IS