Please Keep It On The Low: PDA, TMI, and Other Annoying Couple Behavior That Needs To Stop

October 23, 2012  |  
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I’m not the Grinch who stole Valentine’s Day. I respect a couple with a healthy dose of self-confidence in their relationship that allows them to show affection in public. That being said, when a couple crosses the line, then the rest of the world feels either completely left out, or like they are intruding. When all they were trying to do was buy milk. Love birds, this PDA needs to stop.

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Making out in non-makeout zones

A candlelit table in a dark restaurant, fine. The back of your taxi (that you’re not sharing with anyone else), okay. But leaning against the car at the gas station, waiting in line at the grocery store, sitting in the reception area of the doctor…these are places where people go with no intention or desire to be exposed to lust. It’s distracting and throws us off our task. Also: how on earth are we supposed to ask you to move out of the way if your face is being sucked on?

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“Let me check with my…”

It’s one thing to want to confirm that you didn’t already have plans with your partner on a given date that you’re invited to do something. It’s another to check any time you’re invited to do something, just to be sure your partner didn’t perhaps want you to go to Bed Bath& Beyond with them that day, or have “alone time.” Couples should not have to come to a joint decision about how every single day will be spent. So please stop with the, “Let me check with my boyfriend/girlfriend” when asked to do something. Or, ask your boyfriend/girlfriend —  just don’t tell us you’re going to do it.

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Terms of endearment all the time

“HoneyPieCreamPuff, you dropped something.” Some couples, perhaps because of a lack of confidence in their relationship, insist on using terms of endearment every single time they address one another. Those things should be reserved for the privacy of your own living room, in your own make out session. The rest of us just have to hold down our hysterical laughter when you “BabyBearSweetness” each other at the 7-Eleven.

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Telling us about your sex life

Even if we smile, even if we giggle, even if we seem to get a kick out of it, your friends don’t really want to hear about the funny noises he makes during sex, or the odd habits you have right after you orgasm. People don’t mind reading about such things in a magazine, but when a couple someone actually knows, is sitting right in front of them, giving them all sorts of visuals of their sex lives, that’s not entertaining or educational. That’s haunting.

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Feeding each other

Maybe one or two bites, but do you really need to feed each other every bite for the entire meal? Again, this looks like a desperate attempt to prove that you’re in love, plus it makes your server feel like he is interrupting whenever he comes to the table.

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Using the third person

We get it: you think your partner is so cute, quirky and interesting. And so, you speak of him that way. But to the rest of the world, it sounds like you’re speaking to your partner the way you would discipline a toddler when speaking in the third person. “Does Johnny want to get nap time today?”

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“He’s so cute when he…”

Fact: everything he does is 100 times cuter to you than it is to anybody else because you’re sleeping with him. To the rest of us, the fact that he drools when he sleeps or lines up his lotions in alphabetical order is a meaningless detail that makes us want to staple our own ears shut.

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Facebooking about it

It may be a harsh reality but people don’t subscribe to your newsfeed to hear how in love you are. We subscribe so that we can gossip about you, snoop your photos, or peek the cool deals you always find like 24-hour sales at Nordstrom.com. So, “My baby bought me the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers today!” is just a waste of our Facebook newsfeed.

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Tweeting about it

Tweeting is even worse that Facebooking because couples will get into full on, hour-long flirtations or banters. At least on Facebook, if this happens within one thread, we don’t get an update any time a person posts. But on Twitter, we have to see each and every exchanged Tweet. Our Newsfeed rapidly scrolls as you Tweet one another hearts and smiley faces. And we get excited, and then disappointed, each time we think it’s somebody new.

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Being the personal photographer

When it comes down to it, do you really think the photo of him blowing a gum bubble will win over the last spot in the photo album, instead of the wedding photo? Or photo of your kid’s birth? Nobody ever actually does anything with these pointless “candid” shots they take of their partner trying on hats or sniffing flowers. Yet the rest of the world has to step around you because you can’t see anything behind the camera. Or we have to wait an extra minute to check out because you’re taking a photo of every pretty piece of fruit you’re buying.

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“Not fighting”

Don’t tell us you’re “not fighting” when you’re clearly having a passive aggressive, secret language fight right in front of our eyes. We can hear the things you’re saying under your breath to one another. We saw that elbow nudge you just gave him. We know what a roll of the eye looks like. If you want to say you’re “not fighting” then just don’t fight in front of us.

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Real baby talk

Remember how we don’t think the minute details about your partner are interesting? We don’t think every little detail about your kid is interesting, either. To a point we will enjoy some cute anecdotes about your little one. But a conversation simply cannot persist if the two people having it cannot relate on some level. Your kid is your kid is your kid. Even if the friend you are talking to has a kid, they will never be as interested in yours as they are their own.

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Matchmaking

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t make you the expert on relationships. Most of your friends find it patronizing if you’re trying to set them up every chance you get. It makes it look like you think their life is sad.

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Glued to the hip

If somebody calls your partner’s name, then they only want to talk to your partner. Too many couples assume that both individuals are welcome everywhere the other one goes. But that’s not the case! Unless the invitation of a plus one is explicitly implied, go solo.

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