An Open Letter To People (My Family Included) Who Think It’s OK To Post Tragic News On Facebook

August 22nd, 2012 - By Brande Victorian

 

Source: Glamour.com

I never have – and likely never will – understand how in the middle of a tragedy (death, hospital visits, freak accidents), people’s first thought is to update their Facebook or Twitter status with the news. I remember a friend once stopped to take a picture of her son’s busted lip and posted it online before taking him to the emergency room for stitches. That was the day I quietly nominated her for worst mother of the year, not to mention said a prayer for her hurt little boy. At this point, I’ve succumbed to the “to each his own” rule, figuring if letting everyone know your sad news helps you cope, fine. What I cannot make peace with is how doing so causes me (and other people) to find out devastating news through a Facebook or Twitter feed instead of in-person or by phone.  Heck, I would even settle for a text message if it meant I wouldn’t be bombarded with RIP and RIH messages on my homepage that make me respond, WTF?

I’ll never forget the day last fall when all over my Facebook feed there were messages my older cousin had posted on his sister, brother, and nieces and nephew’s walls telling them they needed to call home about his dad (my uncle) ASAP. He’d posted it so many times, I immediately went into panic mode. I was closer to my uncle than my own grandfather so  I dreaded hearing that something terrible had happened, while simultaneously wanting to smack my cousin for inducing so much fear out of the blue. I called around the family and was told my uncle was just fatigued, having some pain, but it was nothing serious. Not long after I found out (thankfully, not through word of mouth this time) that my uncle had been diagnosed with cancer. A year later, though, I’m finding myself in a similar digital situation that is frustrating to say the least.

Last Sunday, my mom told me that same uncle was placed in Hospice because he was no longer able to take care of himself. By the next morning, I had been tagged in a post by another relative — along with 19 other family members — that essentially told everybody’s Facebook friends things were going downhill with his health and we all needed prayer. Again I was put on alert and not comfortable with some generic Facebook plea being broadcast in the hour of need the hour I arrived at work. Not long after, my mom told me the family was gathering because they didn’t think it would be much longer before my uncle passed.  Thanks, Facebook. Thanks, Family.

And this morning, though I was briefed via a text from my mom (which I still have to get on her about), I found out my uncle had passed away. Upset enough as I was — and trying to figure out how to care about Chrianna, Mariah Carey, And “Love & Hip-Hop” in the midst of this revelation — I received a Gchat from a family friend around 8:30 am asking, “did you hear?” like we were talking about a new rap single or something. And though I put off going on Facebook as long as possible, sure enough the rest in heaven/in peace, and sad going away messages took over my timeline, making an impossibly difficult day, that much harder. Unlike the ability to block out certain things from your mind and handle business until you can go cry in the car or do whatever you need to do, thanks to Mark Zuckerberg’s nifty Facebook design, you can’t block out random updates from smacking you in the face and the heart.

I mean, remember when you used to ask a person if they were sitting down before you told them bad news? Now you can be inundated with it just trying to check-in on FourSquare. The ish has got to stop. I know people want to spread the word and receive condolences and pay e-respects, but no one lives in a bubble and Facebook/Twitter and all those things straight pop whatever since of privacy you can hold on to and put the business out there for everyone to see without any sort of emotional buffer. Not to mention courtesy for people who don’t want to share their personal business with Internet friends. Can we at least give the mentions of the dead a day (half at least) before splattering that type of news on the e-waves and making sure everyone who actually would need to know that sort of thing has been intimately informed rather than digitally?

I always shudder when I see those types of notifications from friends breaking crazy news and all the paranoid triple question marks, call me asap, what happened messages that fall under the wall posts. No one wants to get unexpected bad news and then be forced to wait for the next status update to find out if they need to make a trip, send flowers, bow in prayer or what. At the very least, use the messaging system to indicate the seriousness of the topic and keep things private. Social Media has re-written the rules on a lot of our social interactions, but some things we just need to keep sacred and private due to their sensitive nature and the feelings of all (key word) involved.

Have you ever found out anything horrific online? What’s your stance on posting sad news on Facebook/Twitter?

Brande Victorian is the news and operations editor for madamenoire.com. Follow her on twitter @Be_Vic.

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  • Elle Royal

    lol

  • DeepThinker

    When my father died unexpectedly I was so exhausted with all things that come with handling the aftermath of the tragedy, so I posted to facebook that my father had passed and the number of the funeral home for details about the service. It significanly reduced the number of calls that I wasn’t up to taking, people understood.
    However, I did not post details about the trajedy or funeral or repast photos, but it does not bother me when others post news of a sick relative just not the details, if people care enough they will reach out to you privately.

  • me

    I see both sides. Thing is, we all have to kind of accept that in this day and time, FB is the way most people communicate, vent, grieve and EVERYTHING. I know for me – and I am only 33 – if it was not for FB, I would have no clue what was going on with my younger relatives, because they don’t e-mail or call at all. It’s all through social media. Right or wrong, that’s the way things are going. My mother was pissed because an invite to a family event was posted on FB – my sister and I are on there but my folks are not – and she felt that paper invites should have gone out. We were like Mom, we are telling you now. Who cares? It’s a cultural and generational push and pull and I don’t see it going away anytime soon. I have seen people have knock down, drag out fights with relatives in FB threads. I was like wow … lol. But, it is what it is. When it comes to matters of health and stuff, I don’t post those kinds of things if I can help it – but some folks do. I guess it all depends on the individual and the family.

  • CRose

    My Uncle was taken off of life support yesterday. When he went in to the hospital I posted a status to pray for him. A few days later I asked for continued prayer. Yesterday I posted he went had passed. The thing is, because most of my friends on my fb are related except about 15 folks so I thought it was fine, and that’s how I was coping. An aunt whom I blocked because she thought and old post was about her and went crazy on me, sent my sister a message saying people were under the impression my Uncle had already passed so she messaged my sister stating I need to remove a post from my page. She called me disrespectful. You all may not understand, but that hurt me so much because I love my Uncle and I’m more of a private peraon so that was my way of seeking comfort. There were many things I could say to her that was disrespect in my eyes, but I chose to be respectful. I believe it’s to each his own because that’s how some communicate, to be honest that’s the only way I was able to reach my family. So I don’t know, I think the casket thing is over the line, but I don’t regret it.

  • CarlaKah

    I understand this article… I found out about several tragic evets by FB posts on my page (Uncle so and so is in IC, Auntie so and so died!)

  • Josie

    I understand the intent of this article, but what it really comes down to is that people cope with death/bad news in different ways and shouldn’t be judged for it. You may not understand it but, honestly, not all things are meant for our particular understanding.

  • Hello_Kitty81

    I had a friend on FB last week that she didn’t know her grandmother had died until one of her family members posted a pic of her in her casket and she was pissed and blasted her family, including her mom, failing to tell her that her grandma died a week earlier. She said the funeral was in another state and only close family members knew. That’s a shame that the only way to find out your family member had passed is by a pic of them in their casket, I mean why on earth would anyone take a pic of a dead person in their casket, disrespectful!

  • guest234

    Completely agree…I stil don’t have a Facebook and NEVER will. People have gone waaayyy too far with this online mess…Still, my condolences to you and your family

    • April64baby

      My condolences to the writer and her family. Losing a loved one is hard enough w/o having to deal with all the social media mess. I so agree with you (@ guest234). I don’t have a FB page either and have no intentions of getting one. I have a family member that has one and I use hers sometimes just to see pictures and see what other family members may be up to. It’s a sad state when we have to find out about death, tragedies etc. via FB. Text messaging was bad enough. IMO some things just require at least a real phone call if you can’t do in person.

      I have relatives that live about 30 minutes away and the only time I find out anything that’s going on with them and/or their children is via FB. It’s become way too much and like everything else, people can take a good thing and turn it into a mess. But to each his/her own.

  • Miss D

    Keep your family business private. If you wouldn’t tell all of your facebook friends the news in real life, why would you post the information online?

  • KJ23

    Sorry for your loss.
    I can see the situation on both ends. Usually when a tragedy happens I usually take a hiatus from Facebook, so if my family does blast it, I usually find out long after, so I never get a chance to get annoyed by it. But I guess some people use it to cope so I guess whatever helps the people to move on, I guess.

  • BarBQ

    My cousin gave detailed accounts of the pre ‘pull the plug’ situation with a family member, at first I thought it was a coping mechanism, but when another family member was in a similar situation, whom I was very close with, I specifically asked her not to post anything until after he had passed. I don’t know why people do this, but it definitely felt like I didn’t want everyone (fb friends and acquaintances) in that hospital room with me- and that it was more about attention than respecting that person and their memory. It’s tacky and attention seeking to me, but that may be how some people cope, for me it just doesnt feel right.

  • Elsebeth

    I agree with this article. You don’t hop on your phone as soon as you hear the bad news and update your damn facebook. The most disrespectful thing I have seen on Facebook is an open casket picture. On FACEBOOK. What is wrong with people?

    • Sidmax123

      What? Who does that? Shiftless and trifling.

    • applesauce585

      Facebook has really caused people to lose “social skills”, it really has. I didn’t get facebook so I closd my account after 11 months, lol.

  • Guest360

    Eh….I really don’t have a problem with that. Alot of my family communicates by way of FB, text, phonecalls etc. If people are posting it on FB, you better believe there are text messages and voicemails waiting on you as well. We use it all. Especially this past July when my great grandma passed away. FB was a type of solace for me specifically because I knew I could contact my fam in a much faster way through there than any other method. We crafted a photo gallery for my great g-ma, did a tribute video, comforted each other. It was great. I guess it just depends on how you use it. Certainly FB should not be the ONLY method you use to get info out but I don’t see the harm. It’s worked wonderfully for me and my fam.

  • Ki

    That drives me crazy. It’s also pathetic when people post their relationship problems online. With the constant relationship statuses. Btw sorry about your loss

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