A Memo To The Ladies of Love & Hip Hop: Commitment In a Relationship Should Never Be Up For Discussion

August 21st, 2012 - By madamenoire

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by Shari Wright

Last night on Love & Hip Hop ATL, Mimi told Stevie J that she had to take some responsibility in their turbulent relationship because she had allowed it to go on. After seven or so episodes of using her child as the reason to want to work it out with Stevie, Mimi finally admitted to the world(and prayerfully herself) that their two-year old daughter was not the reason for the continuous acceptance of unfaithfulness and pseudo-commitment for more than 13 years. No. Mimi alone kept herself in that situation. However, she is not alone when it comes making horrible emotional concessions in one’s relationships, just to have a significant other. It is possibly something we all have done at some juncture in our lives, whether as a stint in time or a staple over many moons.

To be clear, there is no single definition for how two people should decide to live through their connection; still, there are certain components that are a given. Relationships are built on trust, they require healthy communication, and are forged with compromises, like: where to live; weekly budget; marriage- now, later or never; two kids or four; Nationwide or State Farm; not how or how much cheating is allowed. Unless we are in an open relationship(and for the sake of this particular article we are not) I can not fathom why there would be a point where my partner and I are bending the confines of exclusivity. If you do not wish to live monogamous, don’t be in a monogamous relationship. Simple? No? Yes, compromise is a big part of being with someone, but I do not think this is what it means to compromise in an exclusive arrangement, especially when you have to leverage your comfort and bargain your trust.

We have seen variations of Mimis in the different reality shows bombarding us today, from Housewives to Basketball Wives ( read: Evelyn Lozada). I cringe at the thought of Evelyn telling Chad on last season’s BBW that she understood he would be away from home most of the time and that she preferred he told her if he was going to cheat and further instructed him about condoms for the affair. (This is in no way victim blaming/shaming for their current situation, I believe domestic violence is low and vile. I am speaking on that one conversation only.) You would rather he use protection than to just find a man willing to forgo cheating all together??

You do not have to settle. We should negotiate prices, not commitment.

When you tell yourself things like, “all I know is what he tells me,” you are settling. When you tell yourself you are in this for the baby, and remain in a hurtful, dishonest place, you are settling. When you say “we don’t care for titles, they complicate stuff,” and in fact you are partial to having stated claims…yes, you are settling. When you have to speak through tears about the fatiguing accommodations you have made because this is the first person you’ve felt ever truly cared for you…you have indeed, settled.

We take vows to promise our best to another person, I believe we may need to start taking vows of self-preservation; we need to promise not to offer ourselves at minimum value…ever…for anyone.

 

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  • Jud Jud

    Amen to this article !!!!!

  • CarlaKah

    I totally agree with this article. I have way to many friends and family members that try to force me to start dating certain exes or certain types of men (again) while actually advocating this “settling” love-style, where a guy can get away with messed up actions just for the sake of “having a man”. I am sorry but no. A man told me last week that people need to stop seeing marrige as a romantic situation and start viewing it as a business arrangement. This isn’t the dark ages! We need to be true to fairness.

  • Ashley-Louise Sinclair

    I agree with this post 100%

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=551432123 Jasmine Diaz

    Perfect!

  • Ann

    I guess as long as the money is good with these guys, women like her is willing to sacrifice and put up with them being disrespectful. They can go shopping full time and buy thousand dollar shoes and clothes.

  • She_ dont_trouble_know1

    Its sooo sad because the men are soo cocky with their cheating now its not even funny any more and when you quetion them about a little glitch in there where were you last night story the men either want to use mind game to make you think you not feeling what you feeeling or they want to start to beat on you like a punching bag.

    • dc

      Yessss. Or how about is you that is making them do the things they do. Its funny that men do such mean and cruel things to their partner then they don’t like the reacation they get from their (mens) action, then say well u are pushing me to another woman…Really? I hate that mind game men making you think its your fault cuz they stray…No how about you are always in your lower sefl! And if you don’t want to be in a committed relationship give me the choice whether or not I want to deal with that! But i guess is it easier to lay blame then be accountable for your actions –

  • gdixon

    this is so on!!!

  • Mrs. A

    Mimi is out of her league in regard to a man like Stevie. Joseline is more suited to play his game -their using each other.When Mimi puts some value on herself & her daughters life then maybe she will be free. We all are guilty of being fools for love, but Trust the price is too high to pay.

    • dc

      OMG you are sooooo right….the price is too high to pay!

  • Madeline

    Mimi slick looks like a dude in this pick. Stevie sure likes em manly.

  • unsuprisingly

    I think its so naive when women think men are 100% faithful . Your basically setting yourself up to get hurt. How many men cheat? And calculate what are your chances of getting one who doesn’t. SLIM. I’m not saying condone cheating but accommodate to YOUR relationship not everyone else’s meaning.

    • Gye Nyame

      I also think women are delusional when they think a man is 100% faithful. I agree the rules of a relationship should be outlined by both parties, but monogamy isn’t for everyone. However both people in the relationship should be comfortable in how they go about dealing with that.

      • Nah

        If you think no man can be faithful, you should take
        DYNAMICALLYDELLA’s advice and change your social circle.

    • DYNAMICALLYDELLA

      It’s a sad state of affairs when a young woman is under the impression the majority of the male populous is incapable of fidelity. No different than the assumption that all black men want to or have been thugs, or that all black women are sex crazed neck rolling imbeciles…I was once a young woman who has cheated and been cheated on. However once we get grown and put away childish things and I, and the man I was with, enjoyed monogamy and all things Blessed about being in a partnership with someone who shares the same values. I’ve been married for 10 yrs come December and we know couples who are monogamous and a few who stray…If every guy you and your circle come in contact with has trouble honoring thier commitments, I strongly suggest you change your >social filter< and not make bleak generalizations. That is, if monogamous relationships are something you desire; if not do you…no judgments. Just stay protected and get tested. But baby don't believe the hype and settle/expect foolishness if a "pseudo-open" relationship isn't what you want.

      • Gye Nyame

        I get what you’re saying but some women want an open relationship as well, its up to the couple. I don’t know why people get so upset when two consenting adults agree that monogamy is not for them, and they responsibly practice an open relationship. Trust me it happens more than people know b/c people won’t openly discuss it for fear of judgement and persecution.

        • Nah

          She is not arguing that some women don’t want open relationships. She’s pointing out that some women will accept being in a “pseudo-open relationship” aka “your man is sleeping with other women, even though you don’t want them to, but you’re so desperate to have a man that you accept it.” There’s a big difference between a truly open relationship and one where one party is simply cheating with consent.

  • TeahMonae

    ” I cringe at the
    thought of Evelyn telling Chad on last season’s BBW that she understood he
    would be away from home most of the time and that she preferred he told her if
    he was going to cheat and further instructed him about condoms for the affair.”

    I think people misunderstood what Evelyn was trying to say. It’s
    just like when you discuss sex with your kids. You teach them abstinence but
    you aren’t around them every second of the day, so you tell them that if they
    do have sex, make sure it’s protected. I think that’s what Evelyn was trying to
    say. She wasn’t giving Chad permission to cheat, but she was saying if you do,
    at least love and respect me enough not to risk my life in the process.

    • Nicci

      If that’s the case, then why would she allegedly get upset over a condom receipt? You can’t give the go for cheating under stipulations and then expect to never have to face them

    • Phyllis Roberts

      No thats not what she was saying at all. There shouldnt be a “if you do cheat” he just shouldnt. He’s grown man whose capable of abstaining until he is with his wife. His career and amount of travel should not in anyway change his amount of integrity and his commitment to his wife. Period.

      • Beeterfly

        ^^^ Exactly ^^^

    • LawGirl713

      If you have to tell a grown man – your fiance or husband – that if they truly love you to use protection while cheating, then you are with the wrong man. If he truly loves you, this discussion is not needed in the first place. I wish we women would stop acting like men are little boys who do not know how to behave themselves. They do, it’s just that they know some of us make excuses allowing and accepting the disrespectful behavior.

  • Kimster

    Great post. Commitment and monogamy in a relationship should never have to be debated. It’s simple: if you aren’t looking for either of those two things, don’t present yourself as wanting such only to sneak around on your partner. And I have this lingering feeling that a male commenter may offer up something to the effect of “women committing themselves to men that really didn’t owe them
    anything”, etc. and I’ll go on and say that more people need to take responsibility for their actions, like Mimi eventually did, instead of hiding under cop outs.

    • cheaters towing company

      ITA with everything you said.

  • MLS2698

    Ain’t nobody tryin’ to ride that short yellow bus that men like Stevie are driving!

    • Beeterfly

      I wish that were true!

  • cheekee baby

    I can co-sign that completely. It’s strange what some women would put up with in order to maintain access to a man that has some change. Its sadder when some women put up with a cheating man and he doesn’t have a red cent to his name.