If you’ve been following Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta, you know that one of the main storylines involves infideltiy. While finding out that your significant other has cheated on you is bad enough, discovering that a pregnancy has resulted from that affair can be even more devastating. If the relationship is fairly new, you may decide that the ONLY way to handle such a blow is to simply bounce. After all, if he’s running around town cheating, and NOT using protection, you’d be better off leaving him…and saving yourself and your health in the process. But what if he’s your husband? What if you have children of your own together? Do you still leave, or do you work it out?
There is no right or wrong answer; only you know what you can and cannot handle. However, if you choose to stay in a relationship where a child is the product of an affair (confirmed by a paternity test of course), there are a few things you need to consider in order to reconcile the relationship and move past the pain.
1. Staying for the Right Reasons
The first, most important decision to make after discovering an affair is if you will attempt a reconciliation or not. But once you’ve decided to stay, ask yourself…honestly…why you want to. Many women who stay with men who’ve cheated on them do so in order to pay him back or get even. While this is not the best way to heal yourself, this is an even more unhealthy way of recovering from a post-affair relationship when a new child is involved. Staying with your boyfriend or your spouse means that there are months…maybe even years…ahead of you of repairing your relationship, and that child isn’t going anywhere. Are you capable of working on your relationship while he…and ultimately you…try to get to know and spend time with a new baby? Can you get past the fact that there will now be another woman in his life that he has to communicate with? Communication, acceptance, and forgiveness are the only way to mend what has happened. But if you’re always arguing about the child, accusing him of cheating, or constantly bringing up the past, this will only make your relationship worse. Be honest with yourself. If you truly cannot handle what he’s done, end it and move on with your life.
2. Accepting Him Means Accepting His Child
Loving and accpeting a child that isn’t biologically yours can be a wonderful thing, especially if we’re talking about adoption. But loving a child that was born from another woman who was sleeping with your man is something else. Staying with him means you have to accept the fact that this child will become a part of your life, and if you have children with your man/spouse, that means they now have a new sibling that must also be incorporated into their lives as well. That also means you and your significant other have to answer any questions (depending on the age) they may have about what happened, who this “other woman” is and how all of this affects them and you all as a family. You have to decide how much to reveal, when introductions need to take place and what is best for your family overall.
Even if you do not have children of your own, choosing to stay means accepting this child as your stepson or daughter if you’re married or plan to marry in the future. If you want to stay in the relationship, you have to realize that you can’t forbid your man from having contact with his child. That’s selfish, and unfair to a baby that didn’t ask to be here. And would you really want a man who would shirk his responsibility, causing an innocent child to grow up with a single parent? Accepting a child that isn’t yours doesn’t make you any stronger or weaker than any other woman – everyone is different, so do what is best for YOU and make no apologies for it. Just remember, a child can’t choose his/her parents…and he or she certainly wouldn’t want to be born of an affair. Don’t blame the child, accept it if you choose to stay.
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3. It Can Possibly Be a Long Term Struggle…so Be Prepared
Finding out an infidelity occurred and child was conceived is just the beginning of what could be years of dealing with the pain, so get ready to dig in during the healing process. You may discover that once you decide to stay and accept the child, other issues will continually crop up that you will have to adjust to time and time again. For example, how do you cope financially as a family if he has to pay child support? What if she only allows visitation at her residence, with him alone…solely in her presence? Trust issues can arise, court dates may become a regular source of frustration and your own children may feel neglected or jealous of their new sibling. All of this means you have to really sit down and discuss how to move forward in a thoughtful, strategic way where open communication leaves no room for confusion, misunderstandings and further hurt feelings to creep in. The decision to stay is the (not-so) easy part – the hard work begins once the decision is made.
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4. Assert Yourself
If you both genuinely decide to give the relationship another chance, this means that you have a voice when it comes to helping raise the child – and your man should be in agreement with that. If his mistress is resentful of you because he chose you over her, she may greet you with some insults, a side eye or some backtalk since you are not her child’s mother, but in her child’s life. This should not be tolerated, and you should let him know how you feel since your feelings are just as important and valid as his, hers or any one else’s. Tell him how you feel, and then let him handle it. Verbally fighting with the mother will only make your relationship with him more strained, so save your venom and communicate with him if she’s irrational.
Also, just because the child isn’t yours doesn’t mean you have no say in how you both interact with and raise the child when the child is with you. If he truly wants the relationship to improve and last, he will realize that he must consider your input and be open to what you have to say or any suggestions you make. If he’s unwilling, it won’t work. Agreeing to stay in a relationship implies that both parties are equally vested and supportive of each other, so make sure that your voice, thoughts and feelings are heard.
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5. Go Easy On Yourself
Many women blame themselves after they discover an affair as they often wonder what they did to cause their man to be unfaithful. Know that whatever your decision, it’s not your fault, no matter what excuses or reasons he may give you. Realize that you are not alone. Affairs happen every day, and you can find support from those who have gone through your very same ordeal. Children are produced sometimes because of bitter, resentful mistresses, unsuspecting side pieces and one night stands – and deciding to stay or leave is an individual decision that should not be followed by guilt, regret or blame. While you cannot always prevent or stop an affair, you can control what happens afterwards through your decision. Get as much counseling or therapy as you need to cope, or take as much time as you need to pray and work through the anger and pain. Just like it’s not the child’s fault he/she was born of this situation, it’s not your fault either. Just make sure that if you DO decide to stay, the child never feels any hatred, anger or resentment from you. They are just as innocent as you are. Neither of you could’ve prevented the affair, but you can ultimately love each other in spite of it.
