TV Boyfriends Who'd Make Terrible Partners In Real Life

As I wrap up season 4 of Sex & The City after watching the TV show in its entirety for the first time I’ve come to one conclusion about Big: He ain’t sh-t. I actually gathered that from the 2008 movie but now as I make my way through the series I’m beginning to understand what others have told me about Big all along: He ain’t sh-t and he’s never been sh-t. And, as these things usually go in my mind, I then began to think about all of the other fictional TV boyfriends who were romanticized from the comfort of our couches but in real life — you guessed it — wouldn’t be sh-t. And so I decided to compile a list for everyone to temporarily reminisce over the days when the fantasy of these fictional boyfriends was far more appealing than the reality of these sad excuses for a partner. Did I forget anyone?

Mr. Big

Anybody can get divorced (multiple times) we suppose, but what makes Big especially trifling is the way in which he toyed with Carrie’s emotions in the midst of trying to get to a place where he actually was sh-t. We appreciate the attempts at growth but, um, leave us out of it until you get your mind right — especially when all of his back and forth sabotaged Carrie’s chances of success with other men. Big was the worst kind of lover and ex: an emotional manipulator.

Martin

Now there’s no denying a Martin type would have you laughing for days — and we all know how much women love a man who can make her laugh — but the sexism? Ain’t nothing funny bih. Martin was the.absolute.worst. when it came to being a supportive partner. We know his egotistical, jealous, misogynistic traits were exaggerated but, seriously, could you imagine coming home to a man like that every night? We won’t even get into the disappearing act he pulled when he was trying to find himself, or that terrible first proposal to Gina.

Shawn Wayans

Shawn had two major problems on The Wayans Bros.: commitment issues and unresolved resentment. Shawn never wanted to settle with any woman and it wasn’t just because he was fine and had a lot of options, he was bitter because his high school prom date stood him up and he’s ditched every woman in his path since. Ain’t enough years in one’s life to unpack all that baggage.

Q

It hurts my heart to even type this because I loved me some Q back in the day, but if he wasn’t the definition of the type of bad boy every father hopes his daughter never comes across we don’t know what is. At the end of the day, all Q really had going for him was a Queens accent — and that’s only if you sorta kinda like the thug type. The drama he brought Moesha was hardly worth it, even if it was high school.

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Shazza Zulu

One word: Hotep. Actually two more words: No thanks.

(But he fine though)

Ron Johnson

Ron’s heart was in the right place, but that poor baby’s head? Nowhere to be found. Ron was the poster child of immaturity — not to mention habitually unfaithful. He’s the type of boy you leave behind once you get your degree and you’ve had your “fun.”

Ellis

Ellis is the reason women aren’t here for that build with a man ish. Despite all the sacrifices Joan made for her wannabe-actor boyfriend, which almost cost her her friendship with Toni no less, this man had the nerve to refuse to let Joan walk the red carpet with him at a movie premiere so he could preserve his bachelor image. (Y’all know how bad you’ve come for Fabolous for doing the same to Emily B.) And on top of that he only considered his girlfriend a 5.5 on a scale of 1 to 10 and had baby mama drama. We’ll pass.

Fitz

We don’t know if a married man can be another woman’s boyfriend, but suffice it to say that type of Scandal only makes for good TV, and is also why Fitz is on this list. If all the drama Fitz causes — you know murder, infidelity, alcoholism, professional sabotage, fraud — was happening around us in real life because of a man like that we’d be going through as much wine every night as Olivia Pope.