Last Wednesday afternoon I received a text from my boyfriend that was as funny as it was concerning. He writes, “I’m so proud.” I respond, “Why?” He texts, “Got a break in the middle of the day, so I stopped home for lunch and while watching TV, I started to hear noises from next door. So I muted the TV and all I heard were moans and furniture moving. I think Lil’ Devon* was getting it in!”
Let me give you the back story on Lil’ Devon. He’s actually not so little and stands at about 5’7” at the age of 14. I never have spoken to him much besides a casual, “How are you?” when stepping inside the house, but he lives next door with his single-mom and little sisters. Lately, I’ve seen Devon hanging out with a young lady from the neighborhood, walking to the store or grabbing some water-ice with her. But I guess it’s clear they’ve been doing a lot more than “hanging,” and I seriously doubt that Lil’ Devon’s mom knows that he’s rearranging her living room furniture all day while she works full-time. That explains the empty condom wrappers that we’d always find behind the house that almost got my boyfriend beat into oblivion. Guess Devon was covering his tracks by throwing them away in our trashcan.
*Names have been changed for privacy.
The whole situation really got me thinking. It’s summer, and this situation has probably played out endlessly in households across the U.S. where one or both parents are working full-time jobs. Idle time and hormones can be a dangerous combo, and in my experience interacting with teens (and being one myself at a time) it doesn’t matter if a parent leaves the house for five days or five minutes, if that teen is dead set on having sex it’s probably going to happen.
In the past few years I’ve worked teaching about safe sex and healthy relationships, I’ve learned that there’s a certain age group that lets summertime bring out the worst in them. They’re too old to be entertained by afterschool programs and summer camp, but too young to successfully seek employment. Around the ages of 13-15, when the summer hits and there is no plan in place to keep these teens occupied, their curiosity, encouraged by their chaotic hormones, starts to climb and they end up exploring the wonderful world of sexual intercourse.
This doesn’t mean that I assume all teenagers are having sex, because I honestly don’t think they all are, but I do feel that if a conversation or education about anatomy, sex, pregnancy, contraception and healthy relationships hasn’t happened by this stage, you’re basically sending your child into a beehive with a honey jumpsuit on.
But about when when you’ve passed prevention? You come in from a long day at the office only to walk upstairs and see a sight that makes you want to laugh, cry, scream and pour acid on your eyeballs all at the same time. Your baby, is well, practicing making a baby. It’s one thing to suspect it, and a completely different thing to actually see it. It’s all fun and games when it’s the shy, admiring neighbor kid that my boyfriend had once schooled on how to “mack” back in his daily bachelor party days. But I don’t know if he would be so proud if that were his daughter that the neighbor kid was engaging in summer fun with.
After the embarrassment fades, you’re at the crossroads. Do you clasp your hands around your teen’s throat and a chastity belt around their waist or do you sit down “Clair Huxtable” style and have a conversation about respect and values? Well you may be able to do a combination of both, but it’s important to not immediately react to the situation. If you’re the type of parent who refuses to have that kind of behavior under your roof then you’ll probably want to get yourself together after you show the one you didn’t give birth to out the door. The last thing you want to do is say anything you don’t mean out of anger.
Right now it may seem like the world is caving in on itself and you’ll want to blame yourself for working and not being strict enough, but you do know that’s crazy talk, right? You might be angry at yourself, feel disrespected and have a hard time digesting that you have a sexually active being on your hands. The truth is that sex is a natural part of life, and although you may not agree with when, how or where it’s happening, you have to admit that you knew this day was coming.
A big part of being sexually active is responsibility. That includes finding a place to engage in sex that isn’t disrespectful to anyone. Unfortunately, for young people with little access to money or their own space, this place usually ends up being school or the home they share with their parents. I could never get comfortable with the idea of children being sexually active in the home they share with their parents; it definitely wasn’t allowed in my home, and in fact my sister and I weren’t allowed to have locks on our doors or boys upstairs. But there are some parents who actually prefer for their children to have sex under their roof. In a story featured by Good Morning America titled “Safer Sex? Some Parents Allow Their Teens to Have Sex Inside Family Home” several parents shared that they allow their teens to have sex inside the home because at least they could keep an eye on them there. Patty Skudlarek, parent to an 18-year old son states, “I’d rather he…do it here than somewhere else. With the kids having sex at home, it’s a safer environment, because, you know, it’s clean…and usually the place they keep the condoms are in their bedroom.” Clinics are clean and they keep condoms there as well, does that mean we should encourage people to get their freak on there too? Surprisingly the article sheds some light on the fact that many teens who are allowed to be sexually active in the home, aren’t exactly comfortable enough to do so.
Regardless of what side of the debate you stand on, there are a few things you can do to make this tense time a little easier on the whole family so that you can prepare and so your teens know what’s expected of them:
- Make the rules clear. It sounds silly, but your child may not have known this was buck wild behavior. You may not feel the need to verbally state or explain why it’s unacceptable for your child to have sex in your home, but don’t take for granted that this is common knowledge. We live in a world where parents have a variety of values, and while teen sex under your roof may not be OK, the rules at your child’s best friend’s house may be different. You don’t have to go on a tangent about the fact that only those who pay bills at that address can get laid at that address, but you should explain your reasoning and display your authority. Also, be mindful that the rules are consistent for ALL of your children: You can’t high-five your son after he pulls the cheerleading captain but punish your daughter for experimenting with the quarterback.
- Have a game plan. Like I mentioned: It’s summer and teens without jobs or involvement in activities will find other ways to occupy their time, many of which you don’t approve of (Can you say, “Philly Flash Mob”?). If you can’t be home to supervise a schedule, start earlier in the year looking into summer sports’ leagues, local programs at recreation centers, or internship and volunteer opportunities that cater to their interests. Some schools offer extra credit or AP courses in summer. If all else fails, see if there’s opportunities for your teen to vacation with family or friends.
- Get comfortable discussing sex early, and if you don’t feel comfortable enough or equipped to have this conversation, direct your teen to someone who can. I’ve seen parents who absolutely refuse to say the word “sex”, and parents who want to have “the talk” right after potty training. If your teen feels comfortable enough with you to ask questions, consider yourself lucky and don’t assume they’re already sexually active. More often than not though, teens feel more comfortable discussing sex with someone they trust, that they have casual contact with. Much of the reason I’ve heard such detailed questions in my career is because teens in a classroom or after-school program know they can get factual info and never have to see me again.
- It takes a village…You don’t have to invest in nanny cam surveillance, but if you work a lot and have a good rapport with your neighbors it might be a good idea to ask them to keep a look out on your home for ANY suspicious activity, not just to see who’s going in and out of your house with your teen. If you have family members that live close by, that might work even better. Your neighbors might operate on a “no-snitching” system, but if you communicate to them that it’s OK if they keep an eye on your home when your car isn’t in the driveway, they may be more apt to tell you what they witness. Ask neighbors who appear to be sane by the way; you don’t want nosey Ms. Betty all up in your business even when you are home.
- Make your schedule unpredictable if you can. Kids are crafty little creatures. They know your schedule, the length of your commute, and traffic patterns better than you do. If keeping tabs on your kids has been a concern of yours lately, come home from lunch unexpectedly or leave work early one day. The goal is not to catch your teen red-handed, but to deter them from planning anything that they wouldn’t want to get caught doing since they never know when you’ll pop up.
- Don’t bug out with no proof. I hate to break it to you, but there are a lot of things that can mislead you into believing the worst about your child and have your imagination working overtime. I’ve heard mothers insist their daughters were sexually active because they’ve found thong underwear. Condoms don’t necessarily equal sex either; many times condoms just mean curiosity, and if you find unwrapped or used condoms, while you’re flipping out about the sex part, give your teen some credit for the safe sex part. For teen girls, a birth control pill pack could mean she’s trying to prevent pregnancy because she’s sexually active, or it could mean she’s trying to regulate her cycle or clear up acne. Sex in many respects leaves a lot of room for mis-communication. Think before jumping to conclusions, or better yet, just ask your teen. They may surprise you with some honesty.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee.
