MommyNoire enlisted the help of self-proclaimed “post-modern sex-positive, Black feminist” and award-winning blogger Feminista Jones to help us break through our barriers in the bedroom. While you may know Feminista, from her tireless activism work, the sister has also penned a BDSM novel Push the Button that gets us exploring new areas of sexuality. Her wealth of information and advice is worth taking a few notes on… your sex life will thank you later (or tonight).
You are an amazing woman. You, like many others, may work full-time in your career while being a doting mother to beautiful, precocious children. Perhaps you’re getting your degree or have a few already under your belt. You always lend a listening ear and soft shoulder to your sisterfriends and you love volunteering to do community service. And though you are pulled in several directions each day, you still manage to have time to be a loving partner to your special someone. There’s only one problem: you’re stuck in a sexual rut!
Maybe you’re not exactly in a “rut” but instead find yourself stuck in a sexual comfort zone—a mental and physical space in which you find yourself making little progress when it comes to intimacy and sexual activities. You want to explore more and spice things up, but you’re not sure how to go about doing so or maybe there are some things holding you back from experimenting. Here are a few tips on how you can step outside of your comfort zone and kick your sex life into high gear.
Conquer Your Sexual Comfort Zone
Sex Is More Mental Than Physical
Before you change any physical activity, you have to get your mind right. This is a process that may involve unlearning everything you’ve ever been told about how women should behave inside and outside of the bedroom. It’s time to throw away those archaic notions of what is “ladylike”, or acceptable behavior for women, and focus on what makes you happiest. If it’s twerking on your man’s lap to old school Trina, so be it!
One way to open your mind a bit is to read more sex-positive, affirming writing by women who openly embrace their sexuality. You can try my book, Push The Button, which explores the kinky romance between two lovers and is quite the page-turner. Another way is to chat up your close girlfriends and have honest conversations about struggles they may be having and how they are working through or have overcome these mental roadblocks. Sometimes speaking with others helps you feel less alone and more encouraged to try new things.
What’s Holding You Back?
It’s important to assess the impact our upbringing and experiences have had on how we engage in sexual activity as adults. I recommend thinking more about how family, religion, and trauma may be affecting your ability to open up and explore more. There may be things you experienced, conversations you’ve had, or ideologies you’ve been raised on that are like the voyeuristic elephant in the room pointing a video camera right at your bed.
If your religious upbringing keeps you from experimenting with kinkier acts, perhaps revisiting the texts and looking for the exact passages that say you can’t enjoy them might help, hmmm? Or if your family has focused more on sexual shaming than sexual celebration, maybe it’s time you remind yourself that your family is not welcomed into your bedroom. And if you have experienced any type of sexual trauma, you may consider seeking professional help and support to work through the impact that trauma has had and continues to have on your sexual expression.
Get Physical!
Our bodies go through all sorts of changes, especially as we mature and get older. Having a baby, for example, has a tremendous impact on the body and mind, and it can take a while to readjust and get back on track. Perhaps, since college, you have gained a little weight – or a lot—and may feel less sexy or less comfortable than you once did. Or maybe you’ve been taking medications that have caused hormonal changes, like birth control, or psychiatric medications that affect libido. Whatever the change, it’s perfectly OK to feel less inclined to get into the groove as long as you’re aware of what the obstacles are and take them into account when assessing where you are.
You definitely have to acknowledge and embrace your sexiness as something that isn’t reliant upon your physical appearance. It is who your are inside and, quite honestly, if your partner is constantly hugging and rubbing on you, there’s a good chance you still got it and a whole lot of it, so why let a little pudge get you down? There are great lines of lingerie for women of all sizes and a few new pieces might be just what you need to bring you back to your sensual self.
If you don’t exercise, I highly recommend working daily movement into your routine regardless of your weight or size. A good, sweaty workout will have you coming home ready to pounce on your lover, even though you’re someone who rarely initiates sex. Exercise often boosts libido, increases endurance, and improves flexibility so becoming active can help with trying some of those new positions you have bookmarked on sites like Glamerotica 101. Nothing keeps the flames going in the bedroom (or kitchen, parking lot…) than trying new positions and perfecting those angles.
Picture Yourself Getting It In
I am a fan of taking pictures and videos during sex. Doing so allows you to explore exhibitionism in the privacy of your own home and provides you a way to check yourself out a bit. Have you ever seen the face you make when you’re about to cum? For some, there is definitely a kinky bonding experience when couples watch themselves having sex and I think it is also a learning tool. You can, for example, look at what you did that really turned your partner on and work on doing more of that next time.
When you watch yourself on video or look at pictures your lover took of you, you get to see how fascinating and gorgeous you look which can help boost your physical self-esteem. Seeing yourself through another lens can be quite eye-opening. Now, I understand your concerns about the risks of exposure, and I’ve outlined some ways to keep your sexy videos your little secret. When you mitigate the risks, you can enjoy the rewards even more.
Sometimes, we find ourselves repeating the same old, same old when it comes to sex and that can, unfortunately, cause problems within our relationships if we’re not careful. Repetition becomes boring after a while, and that boredom can trickle into other parts of your lives. The key is to communicate, as cliché as it sounds, because you have the right to get the sex you want and you should feel comfortable enough with your partner to say “Oh yes!! I want more of that!!” and “Nah uh, boo, that’s not hitting it.” Make sure that you are not the person getting in your own way, and try stepping out of the zone that could be limiting options for your sexual growth.
Feminista Jones is a mental health social worker, sex-positive feminist writer, public speaker, and community activist from New York City. Jones has been featured in several online publications, notably as a contributor to Salon.com and TIME.com, and she has been syndicated in TheRoot.com and TheGriot.com Get more from Feminista Jones by logging on to FeministJones.com or following her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
