Dear Daughter,
One of the best (and worst) things about college will be your love life. As you might guess, you will meet young men who peak your interest. Maybe you’ll be physically attracted to them, or maybe the attraction will run deeper. Regardless of what your feelings are, there are a few important things I think you should know before you embark on this journey.
Always remember that, first and foremost, you are there to receive an education. Never forget that, and don’t let anyone or anything distract you from your purpose. Stay focused. But please have a social life. It will help you stay balanced. In addition to hanging out with your friends, I want you to date, explore your options, and see what these young men have to offer. I am not suggesting that you go to college looking for a husband. That is far too much pressure– for you and the guy. But, dating? Well, I think that’s part of the experience.
You may not meet the love of your life in college. Honestly, there is a strong chance you probably won’t. But don’t shut yourself off to the possibility. It is possible. And, even if you don’t meet “the one” during this four-year experience, you can still have meaningful relationships that help you grow and figure out what you want (and don’t want) from a partner.
I hope you take the time to form meaningful relationships before intimately sharing any part of yourself with someone. If you find yourself incredibly attracted to a man, and decide to have sex without being in a relationship, please know that doing so can come with consequences – especially if you make it a habit. Having casual sex with multiple men will eventually take a toll on you. You may not realize it while you’re in college, but years later it may hit you – hard. Not to mention, you don’t want to develop a reputation and have to deal with people judging you and your capabilities based on your sex life. You don’t need that mess in your space.
I know that some young women, like the ones interviewed for a recent New York Times article, find themselves “hooking up” and having casual sex to avoid relationships, because they believe emotional intimacy can be a major distraction. You know what I think is a distraction? Sleeping with a bunch of men you barely know. You can have romantic relationships, while still becoming an incredibly successful professional. Sharing those emotions with someone shouldn’t mean that you lose sight of your goals or of who you are.
This notion that you need to choose between love and academic or professional excellence is a bunch of crap. Having casual sex as a way to avoid emotional intimacy and excel professionally seems to imply that valuing yourself enough to only be intimate with a man you care about will somehow stop you from reaching your professional goals. That could not be further from the truth. Consider this reality. Most of the young women who use this strategy will also admit that they have to get drunk to have these sexual encounters. In my opinion, if you can’t have sex with someone when you are sober, it’s just not sitting right with your soul.
It sounds cliché, but I know you can be anything you want to be. Just be true to yourself in the process. I refuse to believe that the woman who sleeps with tons of men and graduates at the top of her class is on her way to a lifetime of happiness; I just don’t buy it. I think giving too much of yourself away, and claiming you are doing it to achieve a certain level of success, is a pretty dangerous game –a game that you will probably lose.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you need to be in a relationship in college. There is plenty of time to find love later in life. Those four years are not about hunting for a husband. Enjoy your friends, have fun and focus on your academics. All I’m saying is that you can be in a relationship and still excel academically, if that is what you want. As long as you don’t lose sight of who you are and what you want out of life.
Stay focused, have fun, and be good to yourself.
Love,
Mom
