It’s that time of the year again. The weather is warmer, the line outside of the club is longer and the little black dresses that wait in them are shorter. Admittedly I was never too much of a partier, but I did have my share of late nights, flashing lights and club music that gave me a bit of headache to go with my hangover the next day. Anyone who is a regular on the club scene knows that something changes about it when you enter your 30’s. As your priorities change, you don’t have as much to prove. While you still want to shine, your wardrobe should reflect the maturity and confidence that comes with becoming a “grown A$$ woman” (which by the way is a phrase that truly grown A$$ women don’t use). While you don’t have to hightail it out of Forever 21 to Ann Taylor, your club look should insinuate class and composure (by the way truly sophisticated women don’t actually scream out “I’m classy”. Jennifer from Bad Girls Club Season 6, pay attention.) Having trouble transitioning? This list might shed some light on why the only thing popping on club night is your last nerve. Wondering why only losers with lame pick up lines are approaching you? It may be what you’re wearing.
1. DON’T wear catsuits to the club. Actually don’t wear catsuits to anywhere that isn’t Gotham City.
I’m convinced catsuits weren’t actually made for real life and when I see anyone wearing them that isn’t a part of a Nicki Minaj video, I die a little inside. The thing about your 20’s is that you may actually believe that the fashion seen in music videos will play out well in real life, when in actuality you usually end up looking like a watered down Marvel comic book character. Leave the leather and vinyl cat suits to Catwoman. And don’t get me started on the denim jumpsuits. If you watch Jersey Shore, you already know about “Denim, Denim,Denim!” Deena’s denim jumpsuit was played out and so is yours. Hang it up, flatscreen.
2. DO wear breathable fabrics and styles that are easy to move in.
Believe it or not, the main purpose of going to clubs for some people is to dare I say it…Dance. Maybe, in your twenties you spent hours getting fly and flashy just to sit by the bar and sip on a Martini looking cute. In your thirties, after spending most of the week sitting in a cubicle in front of a computer, the last thing you want to do is sit some more. Cotton and silk allow air to circulate when you are gyrating on the dance floor. If you’re worried about Wardrobe Malfunctions and butt cleavage, you’ll fidget and fuss with your wardrobe all night. Tucking and pulling at your clothes to make sure you’re covered is distracting and makes you look insecure. Short and tight isn’t Hot if you look uncomfortable.
3. DON’T wear flip flops and jeans.
Fortunately, many clubs have dress codes that forbid this. Otherwise, I don’t care if you are rocking your fanciest pair of bejeweled flip flops, rubber and foam soles are not for the nightclub. Besides the risk you run of ruining your pretty pedi dancing with the fool with two left feet, flip flops never look Hot. Sandals on the other hand are different; just try avoiding thong styles which can murder your toes.
Jeans are tried and true and safe. The last thing you want to do it the club is be safe and blend in. Your night out is a chance to be dramatic and stand out. You shouldn’t look like you’re about to go to the mall and have lunch at California Pizza Kitchen. For heaven’s sake, look like you tried to give a damn.
4. DO toss the witty t-shirts and “club” shirts.
Is it me or do the bedazzled bustiers and holographic halters in stores like Joyce Leslie and Wet Seal make me just a bit sad? It’s because I know I will see some girl in the club who thinks she’s the sexiest thing since The Pussycat Dolls with one on. The worst part about these shirts is that they look cheap and there is virtually no way to make them look expensive. Leave the flash to the disco balls. Tee’s adorned with “Your Boyfriend Thinks I’m Hot” or “Love is for Losers” are cute when you’re a teen, sad when you’re an adult with a credit history and a resume. Walk past that section, in fact maybe it’s time to leave the whole store.
5. DON’T assume basic means boring.
By your late twenties your closet should be filled with a select few quality pieces that can be mixed and matched and help you transition from the office to a night out. When I was a teenager I wasted tons of money on pieces that could only be worn a certain way. For example, that loud lycra gold top with metallic glitter that of course can only be worn with gold pumps. By the time you become settled into adulthood you should have a personal sense of style and not run to rearrange your wardrobe every time Vogue issues a “What’s Hot/ What’s Not” list. You eventually learn the lesson that clothes don’t make you, you make the clothes. Getting dressed then becomes easier and fun, because you don’t feel as much pressure to look a certain way. You should have enough fashion sense to not have to wear a loud top to look fab, but take a white tee, match it with the right accessories and make heads turn. Remember, Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love” video when she looked delectable in denim shorts, a white tank and red pumps. It was all about attitude.
Confidence is the best accessory to have. It can make a gal with a knock-off Louis Vuitton clutch, sweatpants and a ponytail look super Hot.
6. DO invest in a polished, but funky make up look.
You should know at least one night look, and preferably it’s a smoky eye. If you look hard enough, you may find some inexpensive products that can make your face look like a million bucks. But a great lip gloss by NARS or MAC Lipglass is worth investing in, even if you only put on face for special occasions. You shouldn’t have to worry about touching up your makeup every five minutes or have to carry an arsenal of cosmetics to do so. You may want to be a bit heavy handed to achieve a look that stands out beneath the dim lights, but you shouldn’t need a chisel to remove your makeup at the evening’s end. Primer, waterproof mascara and a powder compact can help your makeup survive sweat, tears and the random thrown daquiri.
7. DON’T wear shoes that make you question your health insurance coverage.
This doesn’t mean wear heels, this just means that if you can only wear your heels from the car to the velvet rope in comfort then you might want to explore other options. I’ve seen many women stand in line for hours and dance the night away in 5 inch hidden platforms. Others I’ve seen slip on a pair of socks after an embarrassing, painful-to-watch walk of shame. I’m not talking about the walk in yesterday’s clothes from that skeevy guy’s apartment, I mean that walk that younger women make where it looks like their ankles will break after one false move. Club night could mean a wait in a long line, a long walk to your car and hopefully some dancing. Know your strengths. Choose a heel height you can handle or find a Hot wedge which offers more support.
8. DO go minimal.
And by minimal, I don’t mean clothes. But while we are talking about minimal clothing, underwear, bras worn as tops and anything that makes you look like you should be dancing on the pole are not good looks. If you are going to wear a g-string and a long shirt at least invest in a pole dancing class so your half-naked behind can get paid to be harassed by creepy men.
By minimal, I do mean leave the huge purses for sneaking in candy and snacks at the movies. You don’t need you day planner, Urban Decay’s Midnight Cowboy collection and all of your credit and discount cards to party. A small clutch should be enough for your makeup compact, lipgloss, ID, keys, mints and pepper spray. Anything more and you’re just asking to be robbed or exhausted from trying to balance your bucket bag with your whole life inside while you do the Stanky Leg.
