More Americans are dating and marrying interracially than ever before in American history, according to a Pew Research Study released in June 2010. Interestingly enough, the report indicates that Black men are marrying Becky, Su Lin, Maria, or Harnisha 22 percent of the time. But black women still lag behind in the swirling pool, intermarrying at only 9 percent, but those numbers are up from 4 percent since, well, the last time they checked.
Many African-American women are reluctant to try “something new” for a variety of reasons, ranging from lingering scars of slavery, an unfamiliarity or reluctance to intermingle with other cultures, and–here’s the biggie–unflagging loyalty to the brothas.
But here’s a news flash in case you missed it–black men seem to have ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM dating all races, cultures and creeds. So if you’re thinking you might just see what all the hoopla is for yourself, and you’re interested in being more than a “jump-off,” you might want to stealthily ask your rainbeau interest a few questions before you fill all those eggs into the basket.
Warning: “Don’t really ask direct questions, instead make comments that encourage him to talk, and be sure to leave him a lot of time to come up with his answers. If you’re really verbal, you might be too fast for him, and unintentionally shut him down, especially about delicate or uncomfortable subjects,” recommends Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., “Dr. Romance” psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.
Where did you grow up? Attitudes about interracial dating vary from country to country, state to region, region to city. The West Coast, Denver, Colorado, the Twin Cities, Austin, Texas and Manhattan are well-known for their openness to interracial and intercultural relationships, which might mean that interracial dating has never been a prickly issue for him.
How many black women have you dated? If the response is “all my girlfriends were black!” it can be just as much cause for pause as, “you’re the first one, but I’ve always been curious.” Be wary of the rainbeau guy who wants to be an honorary black person and prove he’s “down.” And for someone who has never dated a black girl but is SUDDENLY interested, be sure he’s not just checking off his rainbeau-booty list.
Ask about his family “Especially in rainbow relationships, you need to know about his family, how it operates and how they’ll deal with a mixed relationship. Again, don’t take things personally and get upset. He’ll just stop telling you things. To keep the lines of communication open, be as accepting as you can, and uncritical. Ask interested questions, such as “What was dinner time like?” or “What were your parents’ jobs?” says Dr. Tessina.
Does career come first? This is a two-fold concern, because no woman can have a meaningful relationship with a work-a-holic. But if he’s all about his career and it entails a lot of off-work schmoozing like cocktail parties and dinners depending on the company’s locale, industry, and culture, dating anyone other than “Becky” could hamstring his rise to the top. If he’s not willing to put you first and stand next to you proudly at that work/social function, then you’d best keep it moving.
Were you popular in high school? We all remember what high school was like–shallow as a puddle, and everyone was preoccupied with “fitting in.” If your rainbeau guy was never concerned about being the most popular, most athletic, best dressed, or whatever, chances are he won’t give a flying fig about any criticism of him dating a madame noire.
What do you like to do for fun? Connections and common interests run more than skin deep. The more you see that he too makes a wicked chicken parmesan, loves the Packers, and enjoys a good cabernet, that pesky melanin or cultural difference begins to fade, and allows the connection to grow based on what on the inside, rather than the package it’s wrapped up in.
When the time is right, ask for some casual hangout time with his friends “If you get close to his friends, you’ll have a better idea of what’s going on there. If his closest friends are people who scare you, or people you really don’t like, pay attention to what that tells you about your rainbeau,” says Dr. Tessina.
Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed (to be released February 2012), and runs a blog, www.beyondblackwhite.com, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships. She is also the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.
