“I Hope He’s Almost Done:” 14 Funny Thoughts Women Have During Sex

January 14, 2014  |  
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Even when you’re with somebody you’re really into, you can still be in your head during sex. Here are 14 funny things every woman thinks while doing the deed.

“Maybe if I make noise, he’ll finish faster”

Let’s be real: after we orgasm, sex isn’t all that amazing feeling anymore. It’s not bad, it’s not good, it’s just whatever. And whatever doesn’t elicit moans out of us. But, we’ve all made pretend noises to speed our guy along, after we’re done.

“Was that a fart?”

When two sweaty bodies press up against each other at just the right speed and angle, a very unfortunate sound can result. But did he think I made that sound?!

“Seriously—what is the right way to give a bj?”

Bjs are sort of mysterious things—the tiniest details make the biggest difference and since the end result is always the same, it’s hard to gauge how good or bad we are at them. A lot of us wonder if we’ve been doing it wrong this whole time, and men just survive our bjs rather than enjoy them!

“Hand jobs make me feel like I’m in high school”

Don’t worry: you’re not dirty or super raunchy because you’d rather skip to giving the guy oral. Hand jobs are very reminiscent of fooling around with your high school boyfriend under the blankets while watching a movie.

“Reverse cowgirl makes me look funny”

He can see everything; we can see nothing in terms of his reactions, and we have nothing to look at besides the rest of the room! Meanwhile, our butt is bouncing up and down and we’re doing half-push-up’s.

“I know my boobs are flopped to the side right now”

When you lay on your back, your perfectly shaped breasts look like two partially melted scoops of ice cream gliding off a cake.

“What am I supposed to do while he’s putting on the condom?”

It only takes about 12 seconds, but it’s the longest 12 seconds of your life. You can’t be pleasuring him anymore, because he needs to put that condom on. And you can’t kiss him on the mouth because he needs to see what he’s doing down there. So instead you do some awkward kisses on the shoulder.

“If we finish in 15 minutes I can get 8 hours of sleep”

Sex is great, but so is sleep. And we’ve all played the “Let’s see if we can finish in time to clock in enough sleep” game. We’ve even cleared our boyfriend’s plate before he was done eating to make sure we hit the hay in time.

“His face looks so funny right now”

When a man is experiencing extreme pleasure, his face looks partially like he can’t believe the play his favorite football player just made, like he’s watching a car accident, and like what an orgasm should look like—all mixed into one.

“Oh no—does my face look funny right now?”

On the other side of things, women can end up just looking like something is constantly surprising us for the entire act.

“I wonder if other girls can hold this position longer”

When your knees start to shake in a certain position, you know you’ve vowed to beat the “record” of some other imaginary girl out there—probably one who does yoga—who has held the position longer.

“Why is he so silent?”

Some guys are just quiet, and then it’s over, leaving you with no idea if they’re 15 minutes away from finishing or 15 seconds away.

“Keep the teeth out, keep the teeth out…”

If you spend the majority of your time giving your guy oral being terrified that your teeth might graze his member, you’re not the only one.

“It’s his turn to get on top”

It’s fun hopping on top and riding your guy the first few months of dating, but after a while, you start to notice it’s also more tiring than being on the bottom. And secretly, you keep track of whose turn it is to be on top.

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