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Let me premise this story by saying that jump off, casual-sex situations almost never turn into legitimate monogamous relationships. If I could do an actual statistical study on the subject, I’m sure it would say something like, “Only 25% of the couples surveyed who began their relationship by agreeing to have sex with no strings attached ultimately ended up pursuing a long-term monogamous relationships.” Even I agree that I got lucky, because I could have easily ended up as another notch on a bedpost with a broken heart.
When I first met my boyfriend in 2004, he was completely honest about the fact that his priorities were money, alcohol and sex and in that order. Meeting through a mutual friend we weren’t exactly trying to make the best first impression, so I’d often see women parading in and out of the bachelor pad he shared with a roommate and I even got to be a fly in the wall during the conversations that played out after the girls left about their sex game (or lack there of), who had pretty panties and who had grandma britches. Sorry, ladies but if you don’t know now you know: Men gossip about the opposite sex as much if not more than their female counterparts. Even with all this top secret info, soon I found myself all seduced by that dreaded swag that at the man who is now my boyfriend possessed and before I knew it I had joined the parade. Boyfriend was honest about his intentions about only wanting sex, but silly behind me over-analyzed every look, gesture and random compliment. He may have said, “You’re a cool chick,” but I just knew it really meant, “I want you to be the mother of my children.” The mind can convince you that the sky is purple if you want to believe it bad enough.
David Blaine has nothing on the female brain. I ended up convincing myself that I could be happy in a relationship based on sex, when I knew what I wanted was a relationship with this man. In fact, I think how honest he was about everything made him even more attractive. He wasn’t lying to spare anyone’s feelings, I didn’t have to go through his phone because all of the girls he was involved with knew exactly what he was about. In fact he told me something I’ll never forget, “Men only lie when they feel they have something to lose.” Well, damn I should’ve known then, but even with him being up front about being a jerk, he still had girls doing the most to be down with him…even if it was only for that night.
Even if he was the man of my dreams outside the bedroom, the truth was he didn’t want a relationship at the time, at least not one with me. Gender-stereotypes just aren’t my thing, but the truth is I’m a typical girl and as much as I may admire the girls who can play like Robin Givens in Boomerang who get their needs met and then roll out in the middle of the night leaving Eddie Murphy with the smack face, it’s hard for me to separate romantic feelings from sex. That’s not to say I go falling for every guy I’ve ever gotten physical with, but if I like a guy I can’t just get it popping with him one night and then give him advice about the new girl he’s kicking it with the next.
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Is it possible for women to separate love from sex? Well psychological studies say physically our brains aren’t designed that way. In general, women have less ability to have a stand-alone physical relationship because of the post-coital release of hormones. Women’s bodies typically release hormones and neurochemicals namely oxytocin after sex. Oxytocin is the hormone that promotes bonding and intimacy and women tend to produce more of it. For that reason, women sometimes develop feelings through sex even when they don’t mean to. Does this mean that you can blame your hormones for repeatedly running back to a jerk? Try again. These chemicals quickly drop after sex, but oxytocin levels can remain steady if two people remain in contact. The problem comes with dopamine which works in the “reward center” of our brain. Dopamine brings a sense of pleasure and can be addictive: You like how sex makes you feel so you want more of it, even if in reality the man you’re backing it up for is bringing you down.
There’s also evidence that our ability to multi-task may work against us in the bedroom. Men separate information into different parts in their brain. If your man is watching the game, he’s not simultaneously thinking about that part he needs for his car and what tax deductions he forgot to include on his return. He’s just hoping Dwyane Wade makes this next free throw. Women tend to link everything together. How many times have you thought of how you need shoes for your cousin’s wedding…a wedding that shouldn’t be taking place because all her and her man do is argue…they couldn’t even agree on the cake…but that red velvet cake was delicious…hmm maybe you should stop at that bakery on the next block after work…but they are doing construction so traffic is going to be a nightmare. You get my drift? When women are having sex, we tend to take in everything we’re feeling, thinking and doing as one complete experience. Men are honestly just thinking about the fact that they’re gettin’ some and the gettin’ is good.
I’m not saying men are basic creatures who are only capable of doing one thing at a time just like I’m not saying that there aren’t women who can randomly hook up with a guy and then get onto to the next one like a bus transfer. What I will say is that our bodies are designed differently and the inability to separate sex from true emotion doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can actually make you use more discretion when it comes to who you give your heart and give it up to. You have to be honest with yourself about what you can handle and you have to learn to listen to what a man is saying and not hear what you want him to mean.
It took awhile for me, but when I decided that I wanted to keep our relationship platonic while boyfriend stayed promiscuous, my feelings were hurt a lot less. It wasn’t a smooth transition. There were moments of weakness where I found myself calling him out of the blue and hoping he’d invite me over, because I believed that every invitation implied he had real feelings for me. But the hardest part was admitting to myself that I was no Robin Givens, no matter how badly I wanted to be. I couldn’t have sex with this man without catching feelings and there was nothing casual about it. In his own time he decided he was ready for something serious, and luckily I still wanted the same. Not having sex during that time made it easier to see the relationship for what it really was, without my hormone high getting in the way.
Ladies, just because our hormones make it harder for us to separate love from lust doesn’t mean we can’t. Fellas, just because your brain makes it easier to doesn’t mean you should. There’s something about having sex with someone who you actually care about that just feels better. If I learned anything from my situation, it’s that if your inability to separate love from sex is making you unhappy, you may need to separate yourself from the situation and focus on yourself.
Have you ever had a serious relationship come out of a casual encounter?
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
